The Samsung Umbrella Corporation

I am in the midst of eating a half a pound of cheese so I can salvage the other pound and a half from going bad. This is going to be brutal. The things I do. But you know what? I can't get this cheese anywhere else, so I'm adamant about saving the pound and a half. Along those same lines, something I ate is raping my insides viciously and without mercy. Ok, let's get down to business.

What does Samsung make in the U.S.? What, some electronics? Some phones, some TVs or something? In Korea, they are a mega-giant corporation who makes everything. At first, I didn't really notice, but I started looking at the brand names on things and realized they make a lot of shit. In addition to electronics, which we all know Samsung for, they build appliances (my range is a Samsung), they built the locks in my apartment, they make cars, they build ships, they make weapons, they sell life insurance, they own newspapers, they build buildings. Here's something you may not have known, Samsung built not only the Petronas towers, but also the Taipei 101 and the Burj Khalifa (which I will probably always call the Burj Dubai).

I want to tell you something about Samsung. Samsung owns South Korea. The proof of this is that about a week ago, the former CEO of Samsung, Lee Kun-hee, announced that he is returning to again lead Samsung as "chairman." This is after resigning last year when he was caught bribing important Korean officials. He was sentenced to, like, seven years in prison and a huge fine, but when he didn't respond to the sentence, he was officially pardoned by the South Korean government. Does that say anything about Samsung's relationship with South Korea or what? Do you think that good ol' Amurrica would do the same thing for, say, Bill Gates so shamelessly? Samsung is the reason I am alive or dead within these borders. They are the mafia here. I will obediently continue buying Samsung products because I am obligated to love Samsung with all my heart. And I do, with all my heart.

Ok, I'm going to take yet another Samsung dump. Oh, at least I cleaned my apartment with my Samsung flavored all purpose Samsung cleaner. Annyeong Samsungeyo!

The Tuesday Update

You know, I can't even think of an adequate name to describe this Tuesday. It's not very exciting. I know that makes you want to read on, right? Well do it anyway! I ache for some kind of attention. I am going to follow the standard English presentation format and tell you what I'm going to tell you, then tell you, then tell you what I told you. So, here goes. I am going to talk about badminton, my art project, a quick overview of my most recent taxi ride, my co-teacher, and my apartment.

The badminton club began yesterday. I was under the impression that it would be just a bunch of teachers playing casually for an hour or so after school, probably getting some games going, etc. Laughing, talking, you know, real laid back. I knew something was up when we began with a pretty intense group stretch. This, I figured, was a good thing. There were some teachers there who were over 40 and probably needed it lest they pull something or get sore in the morning. We paired up and started warming up, hitting the birdie back and forth, and eventually our coach (yes, we have a coach, I found out) comes around and inspects our form individually. I can hit a birdie ok, but she was ragging on my form. The way she was showing me how to play felt so unnatural, but she's really good at badminton so I guess she knows what she's talking about. We had to do drills, which I wasn't expecting at all. I had to take a break for Pocari Sweat. Pocari Sweat, children, is the Korean version of Gatorade. Yes, it's called Pocari Sweat. Anyway, I ended up leaving badminton early to do some shopping. Segue.

I had my co-teacher drop me off down near music street where there are some art shops. It's by the art college so it's a real artsy place. I dropped a Ulysses S. Grant on some paints, canvas, and brushes sos I could get started on my long awaited project(s). I sketched her up last night, and will begin the painting process this evening some time, if I ever get done with writing various things/people. You'll find out all about it when I'm done. Special exposé coming soon. Blardy blar blar. Brilliant segue. I suggest that journalists and poets begin using "blardy blar blar" as a segue for anything.

So, I went to HomePlus(uh) today to stock up on some groceries. I ended up getting more than I could rightfully or tactfully carry on the subway, so I hopped into a cab. This cab ride is normally about $2.50, so I figured both I and the cabbie could handle the short ride in each other's company. I told the guy "Seomun Market" and with a "Ne." we were off. We get down the road and then he starts pulling onto some strange streets, but Manquest is picking up his intentions as taking a back way. I knew we were headed kind of in the right direction. At a stop light, he turns around and starts blabbering in Korean like he has no idea where I want to go. I end up telling him where to turn and then he gets on the phone asking about Seomun Market. "Oh, Seomun sijang," he says, hanging up. Dude, really? I mean it says Seomun Market right on the sign. I mean, I guess I could have just read the hangeul and said Seomun Sijang, but I thought I could trust the guy. Well, he got me there anyway, but I was not happy about the cab price. Neomu bissayo.

My co-teacher and I did not see eye to eye today. I think it was partly because I got toothpaste in my eye this morning (silly rabbit, it's not eye paste! I am such an idiot). Anyway, the long and short of it is that we had open class today wherein the homeroom teachers and some others come to watch us perform. This was the sixth time we had done that lesson together. Why did she act totally different? That class was the most bizarre school experience I've had yet. The kids were totally quiet, raising their hands. My teacher spoke almost solely in English and we actually finished our lesson plan on time, all of which never ever happen. I've been getting increasingly frustrated with her because she keeps changing things up on me and usually giving me less to do. I know she's got 14 years of experience and all, but I am there so that the kids can learn how a native speaker talks. I am used pretty adequately by the other co-teachers, but not her. I think she has her ideas and that's it. But, before my karma meter runs on empty, I'll cut it off.

My apartment is a dirty, rotten place full of vermin and grime. I'm not just talking about myself, either. My floor is littered with dead bugs and accumulating crap. I think I bring it on myself for not taking my trash out frequently enough. With the addition of all the food trash, it attracts the little critters. I am going to re-evaluate and use the prevention method.

So, now that you've trudged through this boring, pointless post, how do you feel? I told you about the badminton adventure, art project numero uno, the cab, my wonderful co-teacher who really is a nice lady, but I'm starting to think there are alterior motives and a little self absorbed attitude there, and finally about the hole I affectionately call home. Footnote: I think my laziness is kicking in again and I am in a gripping, edge-of-your-seat, epic Marvel type duel with it. I'll keep you posted. Sorry I don't have any interesting pictures for you. I'll try to remedy that soon.

The Things You'll See

Oh, Seoul. What can I tell you about Seoul? Well, let me move chronologically so you get an idea of how my weekend flowed. Friday after work, I took the slow train to Seoul station. It took 3 and 1/2 hours. They stopped at every rice paddy that had any type of life along the way. That's fine, it gave me an opportunity for a much needed nap. I rolled into Seoul at about 9:30, welcomed by the Han River and a bustling city. Coleman met me at the station like the nice Virginian he is (he's from Charlottesville), and we got some kimbap for dinner before meeting up with the other friends I came to see in the outskirts of Seoul. We ended up hitting this bar wherein we were the only ones there besides this group of Korean dudes who we eventually mixed in with. I had my first "Blackout Korea" experience, too. One of the Koreans passed out at our table, so...we drew on him:

He had to be carried out by his friends. The bastards ordered a bottle of Jack Daniels. I mean, what do they expect? We played this hilarious drinking game. The rule was this: think of a number between 1 and 50 and enter it into your phone. Now everyone guess the number. Whoever guesses it drinks. Ooooh! I almost couldn't grasp the rule because it was so complex. I kind of messed up my wrist playing Girl Fighter. Girl Fighter is like that strength test where you hit the lever with the huge hammer and see how high the weight goes. The difference is that in this strength test, you punch the crap out of some bag and it measures PSI, but not in inches because they use the much more efficient metric system. So, I got 695 something somethings, and hurt my wrist in the process. We stayed at Bailey's on Friday night, which is definitely the nicest apartment I've seen in Korea yet. She has a loft and all sorts of cool stuff because the last Native Teacher left them there. Awesome place. I'm jealous.

Saturday, after waking up late and making an awesome breakfast, we went into Seoul to Itaewon, the main foreigner district. We checked out the English bookstore "What the Book?" and went shopping around that area while drinking on the street:I made my first successful haggle. I bought these killer sunglasses that were originally $20 for $13 instead. I said, "eolma-eyo?" She said, "Twenty." I said, "Bitch. Namu bissayo! Ten!" She said, "I'm very hungry! Thirteen." I took her on it. I don't want her to starve, you know. After a bit more shopping, we took the metro down to Hongdae, the other foreigner district, where we had Mexican food for dinner. I had a Negro Modelo, which tasted delicious comparatively to standard Korean beer, and a shrimp burrito.

That's when the night got totally out of hand. We met up with some of my friends' friends, and went for Makali (sp?). Makali is like a yogurty milky liquor made of rice. You drink it from a bowl. It's really tasty and will make for a good night/terrible morning. We eventually hit up a few clubs which were highlighted by "Unlimited Potatoes!" (you get fries whenever you want, which is good when drinking) and drunken Westerners making fools of themselves. Lots of that. I'm really cutting out a lot of stuff that happened, which may be mostly crappy for you, the reader, or for me many years later looking back, but it was a good night. Lots of people passing around my sweet new shades, lots of dancing, lots of drinking, and lots of Koreans. Here's some dude wearing my sweet and sassy new shades:One highlight was when we saw a bus driver get out of his bus and fight with some dude on the street. You don't break those fights up, you just watch them and chuckle quietly to yourself as Koreans get all sullied. Seoul is full of fun and Ho bars:I know it looks like it says "Ho Barv," but it's really saying, "Ho Bar Five." It's right next to Ho Bar Seven. There are ten in Hongdae, and they're always hilarious and full of American G.I.s. Also, what bar in America opens at 8:00 AM? That's devotion. Devotion to hos.

We spent the night in a Korean sauna. Yes, you can spend the night in a spa. I am no longer a stranger to the Korean sauna experience. I learned that it's actually called jimjubang. For those of you whom I haven't explained the "bang" thing to, "bang" is just Korean for room, I guess. Noraebang is "song room," PC bang is "PC room," and jimjubang is "Korean man love room." I'll explain the whole sauna process.

First they give you a key and a uniform. The key is to your locker, where you put all of your clothes. The uniform is for wearing, stupid. The first area is the hot tub/washing area. This is full of naked Korean men. You go in and shower first. You have your choice of either standing or sitting showers. Then, as naked as you came, you step into the hot tubs, which are of varying degrees, or the sauna. There's also a cold pool that is so refreshing after sitting in a hot room/pool. You'll have to forgive me if the details are a bit fuzzy. I was really intoxicated, after all. Anyway, it was really strange to be hanging out with people I had just met a few hours prior, but completely naked and in a hot tub. "Hey, man. I don't remember your name, but you want to get naked together and sit in really hot water next to a bunch of Koreans?" So, we did that for a bit, and then we checked out literally three floors of Koreans sleeping on the floor in uniforms. Hundreds. I expected to hear some kind of humming and see some soft glowing lights like they are charging up for the next day. We immediately called the jimjubang "the Hive." There's a PC area and a restaurant inside and a TV room, but mostly just Koreans sleeping on the floor. I eventually joined them and passed out for about six hours.

I got woken up at noon (yes, we stayed out until 6 AM. Sorry, Nana) by some dude kicking us out. Oh, and Nana, I took this picture for you:
Seoul graffiti. Nana, you are real. Anyway, back to the story. We lost Bailey somewhere in the jimjubang and didn't reunite with her until about 3:00. In that time period, we ate pho for breakfast (lunch?) and then went to a pretty sweet little flea market. Our friend Nate, who is an absolute riot, was approached by some Evangelists who wanted him to come to their church. What I heard of his response was this: "I know that I am going to Hell. Me and a ton of beautiful, smart, cool people are running as fast as we can straight to Hell together. Together, but alone. I've accepted that. You will never see me at your church. You will never see me again." It was pretty awesome to witness, but still kind of funny that the Evangelist didn't really understand what he was saying and just gave him a flyer anyway.

Sunday was basically spent walking around Hongdae, drinking beers on the street and shopping. I think the theme of the weekend was, "Life is sooooo easy." It's true. Life is so easy and so good. The sun was out, it was warm enough and we were in good company in a huge, gigantic world city. I really couldn't complain. My ultimate analysis of Seoul is that it's exponentially cooler than Daegu. There's more art, more life, and more beauty there. I was kind of sad to go home, honestly. I feel like I have more friends in Seoul than in Daegu at this point.

I took the fast train, the KTX, home. It got me there in half the time as the slow train, but was twice as expensive. I talked to an American G.I. chick who was stationed in Daegu at Camp Walker. It was nice to get that perspective of how life goes in Korea.

Ok, I'm going to go to bed. I have open classes tomorrow, which should be full of excitement. Yay, Monday! I know you all love those!

Payday!

Check it:
I'm rich. I got paid, so now I'm swimming in money. Well, that's not true. I'm kind of rich. I mean, I'm a millionaire now. I get invited to fancy parties that take place on stunning skyscraper roofs where they serve cocktails on trays and go swimming in pools with their tuxedos on. I wanted to go out and spend a massive amount of money on a guitar, but ultimately, like this door:the path led to nowhere. I didn't get the guitar because I was indecisive by the time the shop closed. He had an American Standard Telecaster for 700,000 won. That's about $700, which isn't a bad price for an American Standard, but I tried to haggle with him. He wouldn't budge. "No discount. Store closing. 7:30." Man.

I'm still all torn up about it. It was a really sweet ax. I got to play it, and it just left me wanting more. It could be because I hadn't seriously played in so long, but I'd like to think it was love at first sight. But then when the time came to make a decision based on his non-haggling, I just kept thinking, well, I'll have to buy an amp and a strap and a case and blah blah blah, so it'll eventually be really expensive. I should just go in and buy it. I guess there's always next week.

And then, I was going to go to the art store to at least get a canvas and some paints, but of course it was closed by the time I passed by. I am chomping at the bit to get started on this painting, but I suppose it'll have to wait for next week.

In other news, I won't be able to update for a couple of days because I'm headed off to Seoul tomorrow after work for the weekend. I'll be able to update you on Sunday night or Monday. I know, if I had a virtual tissue I would lend it to you. It's going to be very sad for me, too. Trust me. I'll be crying in my beer as I hang out with all the people I haven't seen since orientation. It's going to be just a terrible, awful weekend. I suppose I'll base whether I can afford an ax on how much this weekend costs. I hear Seoul is not cheap. I hope it's not as bad as I fear. I'll let you know.

The Update

Bullet point update, go!

• I saw a Korean with a beard. Yes, it was a man. This took me by surprise(uh) because I didn't think Koreans were capable of growing full beards.
• I got a coffee mug for school because I was urged to stop wasting paper cups. This is it:
• It says, "My lovely puppy is best friend. Lovely puppy. Puppy is best friend happy for your life." Do you see a puppy on this mug? No, just FOOTBALL. I couldn't have thought up a better mug to use for school.
  
• I don't know if it was the octopus, the soju, or the espresso I had before bed on Monday night, but Tuesday morning after some weird dreams, I awoke early and inspired. I'm totally serious. I had ideas for like three songs and I know what I'm going to paint for the first five paintings I do after I get paid. And this was before I even got out of bed that morning.
  
• I saw the Korean version of Tommy Wiseau.
• One of the most disgusting looking men alive. I feel so sorry for both him and his Korean counterpart. I wonder if Koreans would tell him he bely handsome.
  
• Teaching is growing on me for sure. I cooked up some ideas for all the broadcasts I have to do this semester and I'm actually excited for the extra classes I'll be doing. It's like doing a fun school project every day. I'm sure the novelty will wear off.
• This is the cover of my 6th grade teacher's guide:
• Doesn't it look like the jealous black kid is in the midst of punching all the rich white kids in the flying pencil and giving them black eyes? Stereotypes are now globalized. Also, doesn't it look like the kids in the flying pencil are totally stoned? No wonder they're flying in a pencil through the sky. These thoughts came long before the unanswered question as to why there are no Korean looking children on the front. Oh, I have the answer. Because Korean children can't speak English, they don't smoke pot, nor do they hang out with flying black people.
  
• I saw a Korean wearing a San Francisco Giants hat but also wearing a New York Yankees jacket. No team loyalty.
• I had a dream wherein I was the leader of a Revolutionary War reenactment army and we had friendly competition with the British reenactment army. There was no specific battle we were reenacting, we just battled. And the town we did it in was totally awesome. All built for the period and it definitely could not exist in real life. Anyway, I never found out who won, but true to history, my army was totally ragtag and craptastic. I didn't even have a horse. I had to run everywhere.
  
• I downloaded Flight of the Conchords season 2 and Weeds seasons 4 and 5. I have some TV shows to watch, boyeeeeeeeeee.
• Public urination: Don't do it. Spread the word and maybe Korea will catch on some day.

Bullet point update, stop!

A Case of the Mondays?

I think it's pretty universally accepted that Monday morning is the worst time frame of the week. Absolutely 100% true. Unless, of course, you work shift work and then just replace actual Monday with whatever Monday is to you. I felt my first case of the Mondays today. Haha, I'm only three weeks in and it already feels like a job! Maybe the weekends are just that good? Maybe, but a boy's gotta get that chedda.

As it turned out, today was actually my favorite day of teaching yet. I taught for the first time with the final remaining co-teacher I had yet to teach with. He's already my new favorite. Usually people would be unhappy about being left to flap in the wind, but I loved it. It allowed me to just be an individual teacher and find my style. After being smothered with Koreans padding everything for the Westerner, it was refreshing to have some space. He's like, "you do this part, I do this part," and we're done lesson planning. Really nice.

I even had the principal grace us with his presence for one class. He didn't know how co-teaching went down so he wanted to see it first hand. I'm not really sure what his reaction was, but it was probably somewhere between elated and appalled. He's just so stoic, you know? And I don't subscribe to the traditional cardboardy Korean way of teaching, so I may have been a little flamboyant for him, especially for a male teacher. I gotta insert the humor though. Would it really be like me to just be straight serious all the time? Psh. Besides, the kids like it and that's what matters.

Alright, let me back track and then jump forward. Time warp! So yesterday, Sunday (which has unofficially become the "Daegu exploration day" of the week), I paid a visit to the Daegu National Museum. That was a good way to burn fifteen minutes. It was kind of small and all in Korean, so my knowledge intake was limited. What I gathered was that some guy who liked showing off that he was missing some fingers tried to murder the Japanese Emperor back in the day so he was hung (hanged?). Then they found some really old stuff around here and put it on display. The coolest thing was actually a series of photographs of Daegu from 1954. It looked like a completely different city. Dirt roads and rice paddies. No high rises, no spitting, no scooters on the sidewalks, no wae-gooken.

So, tonight I had semi-live octopus for dinner. It was a little strange because I watched it die being cooked and then I ate it. What kind of person does that make me? Sara, I know you've got an opinion.
I guess we did it for the novelty and I'm not sure how the Koreans serving us thought of us as we snapped pictures of our dying meal. Oh well. It was actually pretty tasty, all things considered. Quite spicy, but nothing a little soju didn't chase away. Ok, I guess I have nothing else for you so I'm gonna hop in bed and take an 8 hour nap.

Folk Ceramic Toilet Spiders

I'm so good to you folks. Here's some pics from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away:

What are these mammajammas? These, my friends, are photos from the Korean Folk Village. We got the privilege of seeing a traditional Korean music performance thingy. I tried putting some video on here for yous, but blogger wasn't having it so I told myself that you weren't worth the effort. The second performance was too hard for the males to watch, so I did not capture it on the digital celluloid. Anyway, the Korean Folk Village was pretty neat. Attached to it was a little theme park and a sculpture garden. This may have been the best part of that day:

It was immediately dubbed the "Love Mushroom." Hey, at least it loves me. Slut.

You know, the details of that day have become blurry as time has passed on, but I told you I'd post about it. I remember a traditional toilet and the toilet goddess. The second part of the day was the Icheon Ceramics place. We watched a video wherein the praises of Icheon Ceramics were being sung a little too loud. When the video said, "The jade made my eyesight better!" I knew something was fishy. Also, when we met our tour guide, that was the first time that I noticed that a lot of Koreans could possibly be distant cousins of the Cusack family. Some of them have that Cusack look to them. Or, do the Cusacks just have some Korean in them? Perhaps I have just stumbled on to some dark, sordid secret that the Cusacks have been trying to keep in the closet for decades. I smell blackmail coming. Does anyone have either John or Joan's address?

Let's see, do I have any interesting pictures from that place to show you?

Oh, nope. It's just a rabbit passing a tiger the opium pipe. At least the tiger is really into it. I feel like the ceramics place was just a ploy to get us to buy some pottery. It was a nice place and all, but necessary? Probably not. Ronnie had the right idea when he suggested we skip out to go to the hot springs. I should have taken him up on it.

Ok. Toilets. So toilets in Korea range from strange, futuristic contraptions with buttons and scary noises down to holes in the floor. All have some kind of urinal, nicer places have the throne, whereas in bars and places where you'd never touch the walls you'll always find your friendly neighborhood squatter and usually the two genders are not separated. It's like urinal and then squatter stall for the ladies, both in the same room. I wanted to take a minute to paint the picture of my school bathroom. First of all, it's always cold. It's colder in the bathroom than it is outside. I'm not going into the smell. You can guess on that one. So, I go in, do ma thang, making sure to avoid the fecal stains that children somehow get on the walls. I don't understand that, but whatever. The worst part that makes me want to just hold it until I get home is the water that comes out of the sink. I am not sure how it's still in liquid form. Seriously, does my school have a pipe leading directly to Siberia where they tap sub glacial waters for the sink? And the kicker is that they don't have any paper towels to dry anything, so I look like an asshole coming out of the bathroom every time when I'm shivering and my hands are three seconds away from frostbite. I whip 'em around for air drying, but eventually just wipe them all over my clothes. They're all wrinkled anyway, so it's fine.

Spiders are neat, aren't they? Dynamic little creatures that can adapt to any corner of a first floor Korean apartment despite the presence of their friends' and family's dead bodies. I can tell that summer is going to be a nightmare here when it comes to little crawling things. I have a couple of months to think about whether I should approach it aggressively or just embrace it, becoming their king. As long as they don't crawl up my nose while I'm sleeping, right?

Ok, I have an important question that nobody will answer, I'd bet. Why didn't anyone tell me that Corey Haim died? You guys had over a week to think about how best to tell me, but instead you let me find out on Yahoo!? What gives? Yeah, ok, I guess I have to rethink my approach to the Corey Haim Comeback Fundraiser I was going to have.

Me and Mr. Lee, Flying Free Tenaciously

Ok, here's the make up test for not posting yesterday. Errybody, I apologize. I am still alive. You know, when I start traveling outside of Daegu, we're not going to be able to talk every day. That's just how it's gotta be, girl. I know, it tears me up inside too, but it's asking too much of me to keep posting mundane crap every single day. Maybe I should break it up a bit, build up the material. Now that I've got the webs in my home, I can post leisurely and with pictures. See?

Haha. You guys are like, "What the...?" Yeah, I kind of was too. This was our entertainment for the evening. Remember how I was hoping for table dances and lollipop gingersnaps? Well, I got both with our evening's entertainment. Granted, the only person who table danced was a 300 lb. black man from Atlanta and the lollipop was the songs that these girls karaoked up for us. Still, I think they're gonna make it. They've got panache. Ok, actually I'm lying about the table dancing. The only 300 lb. black man from Atlanta table dancing was in my head. But there was a 300 lb. black man from Atlanta there. Actually, I'd say he's closer to 400. Maybe pushing 450. "Biggest mofo in Korea" type of guy. But he's real nice. Yew know how them Sutherners awre.

Alright, I got a lot to cover with you folks, so pay attention. Now that there's no more excuses about that damn Folk Village and Ceramics joint, I'm going to post on that stuff probably tomorrow. Look out, chilluns, you're gonna get...VIDEO! That's right, the movin' flicker shows are coming to World Class Flaneur soon.

So, this post is going to be all over the place, because I have several different topics that I want to hit on. I figure the structure of my post will be like this:A disgusting bowel movement between two pieces of bread. But seriously, let's move on to the subject of the title of this post. Today, after helping the Man set up my internets, Mr. Lee took me to Apsan Park, which is the home of Mt. Apsan. Mt. Apsan offers commanding views of Daegu when the yellow dust and clouds and smog don't interrupt your sight distance (I know, it's probably a crime I even say such things about Daegu. It is green and clean and colorful, after all). Anyway, the park is real nice. What really struck me as far as differences go in this type of park is how paved and parky this place was. I know, I sound like a mumbling retard, but what I'm trying to say is that in the U.S., this type of park, wherein you hike up a mountain, would be rugged with dirt trails and not many amenities. Here, the paths are paved and wide enough that cars sometimes drive on them, they are lined with convenience stores, tennis courts, and randomly thrown in gym equipment. I mean it's not like there is no nature. There is tons of it, in nice, clearly managed portions. There's even a cable car to take you up to the summit if you don't feel like going the distance.

Mr. Lee's and my particular trip began with some freakishly nice weather. Weather I had not experienced since California nice. When we got to Apsan Park, we were greeted with a Korean War Memorial Museum, called the Nakdong River Victory Memorial Hall. It had some Korean War artifacts and it dropped some knowledge on me. By the time we began climbing the mountain, the cool breeze was so refreshing. About 20 minutes later, the clouds came in and everything got dark and all the Koreans ran for cover as though Grendel was about to come down from the mountain and begin murdering the villagers. When in Rome, right? We swiftly trekked down the mountain and got back on the bus to Seomun Market. I gave him some Virginia peanuts as a parting gift and to say thank you. He's so nice. He wanted to take me to the sauna. I'm definitely not ready for that yet. Especially with my landlord. That would be super weird. Maybe in a couple of months when my balls swell to the size of Kim Jong Il's ego.

Alright, so let's move on to why I'm here: the children. I got some hate mail that I'm being sexist by only including the boys' English names. Ok, so to appease the masses, here are the top four girl English names in my classes: Victory, Jelly, Eather, and Vianka. The Undertaker still wins, deprived ladies. I think you all should just relish in the fact that the female students are smart enough to pick mostly normal names. Most I've talked to are in agreement that the girl students are usually on the same page with English, while the boys are of vastly different levels. The best English speakers are the boys, but so are the worst speakers.

So, remember the autograph thing? Yeah, apparently now it's become a badge of coolness to have my ol' John Hancock written on a student's hand. So they all hound me to write on their palms. I guess as long as it stays innocent and my signature doesn't become some kind of black market currency at the school, I'm ok with it.

Listen, I was going to talk about toilets and spiders (a killing combination) but now that I have the internets I have some mass downloading to do so I'll save it for next time. To recap, in future posts I still have to cover:

• Korean Folk Village
• Icheon Ceramics
• Toilets
• Spiders

Ok, I'm on it.

The Most Uneventful Post/Day Yet

I'm having trouble coming up with anything noteworthy to write about today. Today was that mundane. Hell, I'm having trouble remembering what I even did today. Ok, I had classes. Four of them. They were all the same lesson. None of the kids did anything really outlandish. The same crap. Lots of "Herro!" and the like. Lunch was pretty crappy.

I tell you, pardon my French, but I am so sick and fucking tired of plain rice. It's fine when you add stuff to it, which I can do on half the days I eat lunch there, but today was another plain rice day. It's so bland and tasteless. I just shovel it into my mouth to get a full stomach. It's far from satisfying. I was telling my friend the other day that I miss getting that nasty, greasy base and a food coma from over eating really tasty food. I haven't experienced it since Papa John's on Saturday. No wonder the Koreans are all skinny. There's no grease! I'll have to hit up a Western chain soon for some comfort. I can feel it.

Man, talk about failing to deliver the goods today. I apologize, everybody. I probably shouldn't even write a post today, but it's kind of habit at this point. I heard Alex Chilton died. That kinda sucks. He was a pretty awesome dude. Honestly, I thought he died like 30 years ago, so I didn't even pay attention to his solo album output since then. Haha, joke's on me, I guess.

Tomorrow I have a DMOE (Daegu Metropolitan Office of Education) Welcome Dinner with all the fellow new Native English Teachers in Daegu. It should be pretty good, since I'm sure we'll go out partying afterwards. I hear there's gonna be a live band at the restaurant we go to, so remind me to let you know how that goes.

Also, I'm joining the badminton club at school. We meet every Wednesday and optionally on Thursday, so that should be at the very least an experience. I'm starting to get antsy to get out of Daegu. When I get paid next weekend I think I'm going to head to Seoul. I hope I actually get up there this time. It'll be nice for a change. And I definitely want to hit up Japan in April. Oh, the possibilities.

The weird dreams just keep coming, too. I had a dream last night that I ran into some like formerly famous black lady who was now old who lived in my apartment building. At first she was really cold to me because I was a white devil. But eventually my charms won her over and by the end of our interaction she kissed me on the cheek and gave me a bottle of wine (because she was still rich from her celebrity days). Also, apparently I was living in New Orleans or something, and there were these guys running around the building rampant just robbing everyone's apartment. Nobody thought to call the police. So we all just tried to avoid them in the halls and stuff. I definitely got shot at though. Very interesting dream. What does it all mean, Sigmund?

Ok, before I bore you to tears, I'm out. Hopefully Friday will be more eventful and I'll come to you with tales of table dances and rainbow lollipops.

The Best Stuff Is The Stuff You Kind of Expected, But Didn't Really Know What To Expect And Then It Turns Out To Be Pretty Awesome, After All

Korea, you and I have been together for a full month now, a mensiversary if you will, and I gotta say that I like how things are going between us. Your different ways took some getting used to, and I have to be honest, I'm still getting used to the little things that scare most people away. But I can overlook them for the most part. We're both pretty easygoing, so we can look past the little differences that make us both unique.

When we are together, my ego really gets a huge boost. All the children who call you home really love me! It's so strange, but I think that you nurtured them that way specifically. For that, I thank you. You've been nothing but accommodating, despite the language barrier that seems to keep us a little too distant most of the time. On the other hand, because of this barrier, I feel like I can be an anonymous observer and just watch you work from afar. You work magic, my dear. You do. I can't wait to explore more of your intricacies and all your special little quirks over the course of our contractual year as a couple.

Ok, enough mushy crap. I just had to advertise the fact that I've been in Korea for exactly one month and one hour. Pretty special.

Last night I had a "famous" waffle from the waffle house downtown. I'd never heard of it before, but was pretty awesome. Instead of plain ol' syrup (sorry, Canada), they load on a couple of flavors of ice cream, whipped cream, fruit, and...a tomato? Yes, a tomato. I didn't eat that part.

Afterwards, we went to the shops to find some unique clothes. I saw the absolute champion of just plain crazy Korean T-shirts. It was a picture of a baby. Ok, not too strange, right? Ok, now imagine that some guy drew and wrote all over it using MS Paint. Still not weird enough. Ok, imagine that this guy put a Hitler 'stache on the baby with a swastika arm band. It doesn't end there. The topping on the waffle, if you will, was that a word bubble protruded from this baby's mouth that said, "Where's my Jew bagle?" Now that's class, Korea. That's pure class there. I experienced true class, finally. I can die happy. The thing is, I know that if I bought that shirt and sent it to Mike Pocius, he would wear it.

So today was a big ol' happy day for me. Classes were pretty routine this morning, except that second period was a batch of fourth graders who I'd never taught before. After class, they bum rushed to the front and asked for my autograph! What!? And I mean every student came up with paper and a pen! I mean, seriously. I'm just a Joe Schmoe from Amurrica. Am I really that special? It's like every few days they have a meeting and discuss how they can flatter me on a new level the next time they see me. Soon they'll be screaming for a lock of my hair. There are only so many of those I can give away.

No, the real treat came in the afternoon. My co-teacher and I went downtown and got me a bran' new cell phone. This boy's got digits. It took me forever to figure out how to turn off the super gay Korean sound effects though. Those things are vicious and really loud. Why would anyone want them on a phone?

Also, I got both the packages that my Mom and Nana sent for me. What a treat. I finally have some good ol' Amurrican eats and a Tony Bennett poster for my wall. Ooh, Tonay Tonay, we are going to have some good times together, I can already see it. Me pouring soju on you and pretending you drank it. Me and you sharing my darkest secrets together for a year. You're gonna either really love it or grow so repulsed with me that you commit seppuku in traitorish Japanese fashion.

The funniest part of my day came afterward when my co-teacher called around to find an internet deal. She said she called my landlord and that it would be better for me to not get TCN (a local internet/cable company) because he was stealing cable from them illegally. Oh, not so bely Chlistian now, are we!? So that's how I've been getting cable. It all makes sense now. Anyway, I'll be getting internet on Friday. Finally, I can stop frequenting the PC bangs. I'm kind of gonna miss this little puppy though. It's just one of the aspects of my relationship with Mama Korea that I've grown to enjoy. I'm sure I'll enjoy being able to Google in my underwear more. And I can finally just post pictures and video for you folks without the added hassle of going through alternate avenues. Just upload and done!

And, I can get started on my massive downloading spree. I love the lack of laws concerning what I can and can't download. It's gonna be supershaweet. Expect Skype calls from me after this week! Ok, dinner time. Later, folksy folks.

Wet Clothes and Yellow Dust

I decided to give my washer another chance last night. Yeah, it was about the same as when I gave that no good ex-girlfriend another chance after she cheated on me. It's totally over between us. I'm just going to live in filthy clothes or just keep buying new ones for the next year. I did my whites last night, and not only did my clothes come out so sopping wet that it made puddles on my floor, but the bottoms of my socks were still dark with soot. They still await the time when I get motivated to put them away...in the trash can!

So today, the kids came in with brand new English name tags. Originally, I was told that they didn't have English names and that I'd have to remember their Korean names. Haha, yeah right. That'll never happen. When I hear a Korean name I just draw a blank stare and immediately forget it. So, I'm playing it up a bit. Not all the kids had English names. But the ones who did, oh man were they zingers. Let me share with you a few of my favorites.

Sorry, ladies, the boys chose all the interesting names. I have a boy named Joy, a boy named Jesus, a boy named Boy, a boy named Signus, a boy named David Black (what made you decide to put a last name in there, fella?), and my personal favorite of all time: The Undertaker. Yes, The Undertaker. This particular boy loves wrestling. He wanted to be named after his hero, so he chose The Undertaker. I will remember that boy's name for as long as I live. Sure beats Jung-Min or whatever his Korean name is. I wish my name was The Undertaker. Way to pull through on that one, Mom.

Otherwise, today was a pretty uneventful day. Sorry I can't post any pictures for you guys. Actually, that's not true. Here's four to throw a little variety in there:

Woobang Land! Woo...bang! This next one is a pretty prominent advertisement for soju:

What!? Good morning!? No soju signifies to me that the next morning will be good. Soju guarantees a terrible hangover and about a 30% chance of waking up next to someone you don't remember who vaguely resembles a walrus/manatee hybrid. Definitely not a good morning.

These next two aren't as commentary worthy, but they're all I've got left so live with it:

When it snowed last week, the kids all went out and had fun in it. This is a picture of them enjoying the snow between classes. There were a lot more of them. I seemed to choose the time when there were the least amount of children playing to take a picture, but it was the only time I had a break from teaching the little rats. Finally, this is a Confucian Temple in Duryu Park. Very serene, etc etc. The shrubbery landscaping really adds a nice flavor to it, no?

Ok, best part of my day. I got my Alien Registration Card this afternoon. Delivered straight to me by the postman guy. I was giddy with excitement. Not only does this signify that I can travel outside of Korea whenever I want (yay, no more house arrest!), it also signifies that I can get a cell phone and the internets in my apartment. I am going to take care of these things tomorrow when the helpy co-teacher is around. Oh, it's going to be a good day for sure.

I've got one more bomb to drop before I wrap this post up. So, I was told that today is the official beginning of yellow dust season. "What's yellow dust season, Steve?" you ask? Well, Opey, yellow dust season will put a damper on your plans real quick. Since China is a dirty cesspool of vermin and pollution, every Spring when the wind blows East, China sends their nastiest, most polluted dust over with it for the Koreans and Japanese to breathe in a nefarious plan to take them over via chemical warfare. What this means for Suteebuh and his current countrymen is that there will be lower visibility for some time and breathing in the air may cause health problems. I'd say not breathing in air causes more immediate health problems, so I'm going to just continue with business as usual. Children and the elderly are advised to not go outside if it is not necessary. That's why the Koreans wear masks all the time when they go out. That and that durn Swine Flu.

Isn't it funny that every country has its own set of unique problems caused by the increasing manhandling of nature colliding with that very same nature's ability to manhandle (nature-handle?) us back? The only way to beat this problem is to nuke the Earth, killing nature once and for all and then moving to Mars. That sounds like the Steve you know and love talking, right?

Hmm. I ran out of things to say. I feel like there was more, but it's more of the same. There were a lot of pictures taken of me today and a ton of Koreans in my life.

The 'gu In Pictures

I am easily the most brilliant creature to ever grace this increasingly brown tinted hole we all call home. Newton: an idiot. Einstein: half retarded. Move over fellas, there's a new brain in town. His name is Suh-tee-bah Blad Pitt, and he's got a mind to reckon with. I figured out a way to bring you pictures for the blog without harming anything personal with the adware infested PC bang PCs. Yes, I am that brilliant. So, I bring you: the 'gu in pictures.

This is my humble town. Don't worry, that's not smog...mostly. It was just cloudy yesterday. Look at that maze of streets down there! I live closer to the tall part in the hardly to the left distance. This picture was taken from the base of this tower:

No, that castley looking thing is not the base of the tower. That's the entrance to Woobang Land, celebrating its 15th anniversary with a gigantic gaudy cake. Before moving on to more personal scenery pics, here is a glimpse of the bustling downtown area:

Those mofos were out in force because it was the first only semi-cold day in a while. Ok, now. Here's a picture of the outside of my pad:

Really glitzy, right? What, you can't tell which one is mine? Ok, so look under the SM Tech sign. You see that red brick framed doorway there right in the middle of the photo? That one's mine. You see those Koreans in the background? They're actually always there. I think it's their job to stand there and spit. It's a pretty sweet gig. I'm thinking of asking how they got their positions so that I can look into it once my teaching contract is up. Also, aren't you jealous of how easy it would be for me to purchase an LCD TV? I don't even have to put shoes on to go shopping there. Ok, next:

This is my 'hood. Pretty nice, right? Yeah, I've got two cathedrals within walking distance, AND:

The obligatory foreboding Nazi temple right down the street. I know, I'm not an idiot. You don't have to call me out on my joke. I'm just going for the comedy value here. Ok, let's move on to the next two important things in my life right now:

This is my school. Namsan Elementary. Represent. This isn't the building that I teach in though. There are three buildings to the school. This picture was actually taken from the building I teach in, but it looks almost exactly like this one. Sorry I can't do anything right, princess. And finally, to throw a little perplexing humor in, this is what my local PC bang says right outside the door:

If anyone can figure out what they're trying to say then you get ten points. Even if you can't, I look past this small blemish because the employees are really nice to the wae-gook and the fat, pimply Koreans are amicable enough.

You can thank me for the visual stimuli later. Right now, I've got to move on to more important matters.

So, today was a standard Monday here in Korea. I got a ton of hellos, a ton of pictures taken of me, and all the kids were jolly as ever. Actually, this group of girls scared the crap out of me today. I was leaving work, and they pop out from under a stairwell and start snapping pictures of me. I swear. Paparazzi. I guess I can commiserate with Brad Pitt more than I thought.

Oh, and this past weekend was White Day. I know you don't know what that is unless you live in Korea, so I'm going to tell you. Apparently, on the 14th of every month (every month! Jesus!) there is some kind of love type holiday. Valentine's Day is just the one in February, so it's not that big of a deal. The 14th of March is White Day. White Day is when the boy gets something for the girl, whereas Valentine's Day is when the girl gets something for the boy, and Black Day (hey, no racist jokes, ok?) is when the singles eat some black noodle soup thing or something. This wouldn't phase me except that I strangely got candy from some of the boys I teach. I guess that's not gay? And some girls half expectantly eyed me and asked me where their candy was. Please, I ain' yo bowfriend! You're 12 years old! Look for someone your own age to give you candy. Maybe if your milkshake brought all the boys to the yard like mine, you'd have boys giving you candy instead of them giving it to me. I can only sigh when I think that all my admirers are not yet old enough to drive a car and half of them are male.

Also, remember how I told you that you should leave the spider carcass on your ceiling yesterday? Well, that only applies to spiders. I am currently experiencing an ant infestation, and those suckers you want to get rid of. Right now, my apartment has about a thousand dead ant carcasses strewn about the floor. It's a killing floor (someone please get the Led Zeppelin reference). I think they eat their own, so I shouldn't leave them there for too long. It'll only attract more of those little suckers. It really blows because my bed sits directly on the floor and those bastards are going to crawl up my nose while I'm sleeping.

So, I guess I should probably go home and eat some dinner. I'm anxious to play my accordion, too. I learned "Good Lovin" by the Rascals yesterday. Don't worry, it's not an accomplishment by any stretch of the word. That song is probably more simple than "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." Hmm, maybe I'll add that one to my repertoire tonight. That's progress that keeps me coming back. Brilliance.

Exploring the 'gu

Before I get into today's events, I wanted to say a couple of things.

You know when a spider makes its home in a corner of your moldy Korean bathroom? Your first inclination is to kill it and dispose of the body, right? WRONG. Word of advice: kill it and leave the body there for all other potential real estate buyers to see. You don't want those suckers to reproduce in case they're pregnant or whatever spiders do to reproduce, but who's going to move in after the dead one? When you go looking for a new house, is it enticing to buy one that's right next door to a dead body? "Hey, honey, look! That's a dead dude over there! Little Timmy is going to have so much fun here! Let's go poke it! I know what's for dinner tonight!" The only problem with this is when the guts that suction the dead spider to your ceiling finally fail and the spider carcass falls on your head when you're taking a dumper. That'll ruin your morning real quick.

Ok, second thing. I saw a grown man weeping on the sidewalk today. He was just sitting there cross legged in the middle of the blind person yellow strip (those in Korea know what I'm talking about), snot and tears running down his face. He was wailing. No sucking it up for the passing wae-gook. It was pretty haunting. I hope I don't have nightmares about it tonight.

Last night was so uneventful that I fell asleep at 10. There were some St. Patty's Day parties going on downtown that I swore I would check out, but did I? No. I watched The Mummy Returns and fell asleep early. I needed it though, because I didn't wake up until 12 hours later. I felt so much better today and decided to check out a new part of Daegu that didn't involve Homeplus, downtown, or foreigners in it.

So, I got on the metro and took it to Duryu Park. Yeah, I could have gone there yesterday when all the other EPIK kids were going for some girl's birthday, but I'm a loner. I don't need no dang farners telling me what to do. Besides, I had only seen this girl once before and fondly only know her as "Phil's groupie." That Phil guy, man. He's a chubby, jolly Briton who would probably be an underground loser in any other place, but here in Korea he thrives. He's got ladies surrounding him constantly. I don't know how he does it. He's got the swagger, for sure. He just exudes that reserved confidence. I'm still mad at him though. He grew a killer pedophile mustache at orientation that he promptly shaved off after a few hours. I personally think he'd have twice as many ladies surrounding him if he kept it. Ok, we all know that's not true, but come on! Mustaches are bitchin. Are they not? Maybe I'll start growing one. Don't worry, Nana. I'm mostly joking.

Anyway, Duryu Park is the "Central Park" type place in Daegu. It's pretty nice. My first stop, where I saw the weeping Korean, was Daegu Tower. It's a hike up some damned hill, but you get views of the entire city from there. I was going to go up the tower properly, but it was like $10 and cloudy, so I didn't think it would be worth it. The base of the tower has a pretty commanding view itself, so I just drank that in (with a small Coca-Cola) and called it. Right next to it is Woobang Land, Daegu's amusement park. It looks pretty awesome, complete with roller coasters and those rocking ships that I don't really like. It even has one of those cable car things that suspends you over the park while you're half way scared to death that the cable is going to snap.

So, after looking at Woobang Land from afar, I hit up a couple of temples in the park. There's no information on them anywhere in English, so I don't know if they have any historical significance, but they were pretty neat. Very serene, and the work put into the intricate designs of these places is dizzying. It's gotta take a long time to paint those suckers up. I wonder how often they have to put a fresh coat of paint on the wood.

Anyway, Duryu Park is a generally stress free experience. It's pretty hilly and foresty, so there are a ton of places to go hiking where the only other people you run into are young Koreans practicing some chi mantra on a hilltop or old Koreans gathered around some game board of some sort. There are also various sports fields, an outdoor arena, and the Daegu Arts Center. I went in it to check it out, but it looked pretty dead, so I didn't get to see any art. I'm not even sure any of the galleries were open.

I explored the surrounding area around the park, too. Didn't see much of interest. A water treatment plant, some girl's high school, a ton of Koreans. Manquest saved me more than once today. For those of you unfamiliar with Manquest, it is the innate sense of direction that the vast majority of men possess that allows them to know approximately where they are at all times. In the psychological realm, it is explained that since boys play with blocks as kids, they develop a spatial ability that most girls don't get through playing with dolls. I played with a ton of Legos as a kid and my sense of direction is pretty on point, so I'm buying into this theory. Do they sell stock in psychological theories? This one is going to explode if I have anything to do with it.

To save myself the trouble of writing about it tomorrow, I'm going to explain to you what I'll be doing after I leave the ol' PC bang. I'm going to pass a bunch of scooters on the sidewalk as I walk home, and then I'm going to clean the apartment, cook dinner, probably watch some terrible movie, practice me accordion, and go over lesson plans for tomorrow. Exciting? You betcha.