Don't Look Back In Anger

2010. We've had some good times. When I was in your presence, I changed my life dramatically. Over the past 365 days, I've grown as a person immensely. I've seen some crazy things. I've been to 3 new countries and 7 new states I'd never seen before. I've immersed myself into a radically different culture, made leaping strides in learning a second language, expanded my horizons, learned some things about myself, and completed a few projects to add to my legacy.

When I put it that way, it sounds so productive, doesn't it? Yes, I should be proud of myself. Am I? Meh. I started this blog on January 1st, 2010 as a New Year's resolution and I think it may be the only New Year's resolution that I've ever kept. As it's been a part of my life this entire year, I took a little while to look back on the oldest posts in the blog to see how things have changed in my ideologue in 365 days. This is the first time I can measure and chart a change in myself over the course of the year. Granted, it would take a while and be pretty boring to read all those old posts again, but at the same time, It'd be a nostalgic look at my journey.

The top 30 things I've done (and can remember and in no particular order) this year that are not already mentioned above:

1. I took a cross-country road trip.
2. I quit a cushy government job and took a major pay cut to pursue personal happiness.
3. I flew over the Pacific Ocean for the first time.
   
4. I experienced what it feels like to teach children for an entire school year.
5. I para-sailed, snorkeled, kayaked, cave swam, and ATV-ed for the first time.
6. I experienced World Cup Fever, which doesn't exist in the U.S.
7. I had my feet eaten by fish.
8. I got drunk with a group of 50+ year old men who do not speak English.
   
9. I took a high speed train.
10. I took a high speed hydrofoil.
11. I got completely covered in therapeutic mud.
12. I saw monkeys having sex.
13. I saw two monumentally important World War II historic sites, from both the Axis and the Allied side.
14. I battled with and eventually overcame the worst and largest bug infestation I've ever witnessed.
15. I ate an octopus that was not fully dead yet.
16. I pirated a boat.
17. I attended more than one rooftop soiree.
18. I bar-tended for a night.
19. I played "war" for money, and won.
20. I ordered and received McDonald's delivery.
    
21. I prayed to Buddha.
    
22. I learned what it's like to live completely alone.
    
23. I bought a piece of clothing that cost more than $150.
24. I saw the greatest fireworks show I've ever seen.
25. I started eating meat again (yeah, that cat's out of the bag. But damn it's so delicious. And let's be honest, Koreans do it a little more healthily than Americans...and I guess included in that is that I've eaten parts of the pig that are probably illegal to eat in America).
26. I developed a tolerance for spicy food. In Korea, this is not an option.
27. I experienced squatter toilets.
28. I took part in a play for Korean children.
29. I was on TV...more than once.
30. I wrote 149 blog posts.

What did you do this year? Honestly, I'm curious. I'm not trying to brag or anything. I'm genuinely curious about your year so spill the beans. Top 30. Top 10 even. It's fun to look back at what you've accomplished. Some of you got married. Some of you had children. Some of you bought a house. Some of you changed your job. Some of you experienced great loss that equates growing as a person. Those certainly trump anything I did this year. But, let's see what 2011 brings, eh?

The Future Is Bright

Let's talk about this link here. It's referring to my job replacement. If you're too lazy to read it, which I'd guess probably half of you are (I would probably be included in that if I were in your position), I will explain it. The Korean education system is slowly shifting from a mildly autistic happy child to a violently retarded drooling chimpanzee with its latest set of decisions.

I am, of course, exaggerating, but it seems that Korea has taken a serious interest in implementing the use of robots to replace foreign English teachers in the future. Yes, you heard me. Robots. That's good and well, isn't it? Because a robot can deviate from a set pattern of dialogue and tell jokes or inspire a student to learn. A robot can certainly be mobile and explain a game or activity using body language. A robot is an excellent lesson planner. A robot is also certainly capable of properly disciplining a student for misbehavior.

I am, of course, joking. A robot cannot feasibly do any of these things. It can only do one or two of them if it is remotely controlled by a Filipino, as they suggest it may be. The main reason they want to implement this program is the same reason why anyone does stupid things: money. Let's take a look at the last paragraph that borders on insulting:

"Plus, they won't complain about health insurance, sick leave and severance package, or leave in three months for a better-paying job in Japan... all you need is a repair and upgrade every once in a while."

Maybe someone should upgrade and repair your thought processes, brother. We're human beings. Most of us don't complain about things like that, but some of us do. If they'd rather pump money into a barely animate object instead of treating us like human beings with needs, then so be it. They will fall behind in their English ability.

One other thing stood out to me about the article. This:

"Having robots in the classroom makes the students more active in participating, especially shy ones afraid of speaking out to human teachers," Kim said.

Seriously? Let's talk about avoidance issues here (which is part of a larger problem in this country). So, instead of exposing shy students to human teachers to help get over their shyness, you'd rather appease them by giving them a robot instead of a real human being. What's the point of learning a language if you're too afraid to speak it to actual people!? I admit, sometimes I'm a little bashful about speaking Korean to Koreans, but I usually trudge forward. Why? Because I know and every reasonable person knows that making mistakes is part of learning.

Anyway, Korea is going down a silly, fruitless road if they choose to pursue this option in full. This might work in a hagwon environment or a very low level classroom, but to develop a working portfolio of English knowledge, the student must be exposed to native teachers period. They're losing out on 1) mannerisms 2) accents 3) cultural awareness 4) overcoming shyness toward non-Koreans. It could not possibly be adopted in a middle or high school level with any success. I hope they do not commit to doing that in the name of saving a buck. Future generations will suffer.

Merry Un-Christmas

Yeah, I kind of missed that whole "Merry Christmas Errybody Back Home" obligatory blog post, didn't I? Well, luckily for you, you get this half assed late one instead. Yeah, boyee. Discount bin.

Right, so Merry Christmas. This year was the clear winner for the strangest Christmas I've yet experienced award. Nothing particularly funny or crazy: "Oh, look at that wacky waygook again! All his mind bending misadventures through time and space are probably good for another two or three seasons of viewership before we start exploiting it and introducing his evil brother for another six or seven seasons and then finally cancelling it. Don't forget the reunion special ten years after that either. Milk it, baby!" No, nothing like that.

It was strange in that it just felt like another day. Indeed, it's like it didn't even happen yet because they still play Christmas music in stores and nothing was closed on Christmas. It's clear to me that Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving) is the most important holiday in Korea. In a way, I can understand this. It's not religious based. It's just a time to spend with family, appreciating them and being thankful for life, no strings attached.

I never thought I'd say that I missed the season. We all complain that Christmas commercials and decorations come out earlier each year and we're annoyed by Christmas music by the time Halloween rolls around, but it's strange being on the other end of that. You expect to feel these things each year and when you totally bypass it all, it feels hollow. I didn't get sick of Christmas music this year. I enjoyed singing along to "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" when I heard it only one time. I don't really watch TV because it's usually in a foreign tongue, so I missed all the annoying overplayed Christmas commercials. No Christmas edition snuggy commercials for this guy.

Still, I am thankful that I got to talk to Mom and Sara on Christmas Day and I got to spend the evening with friends. It was really special to be able to have that many lonely foreigners in one room. The only thing missing was the fake fire on the TV and it would have felt like some kind of home.

Other than that, I'm deskwarming this week, so I'll keep it real by watching movies and playing computer games (oh, and a little preparation for camps next week). When I find out what I'm dewing for New Years, I'll let you know. It'll probably be just as exciting as my posts have been for the past 4 months. Gotta keep up the high standard of quality.

World Class Flaneur: Quality, Excellence, A Bullshit Sense of Self-Worth. Since 2010.

I'll Hit You In The Temple, Where It Hurts

As part of our "End of Year" celebration, or as the Koreans call it, "푸피 팬티" (that's a 2nd grade level joke for the Hangul reading or industrious demographic), we departed our humble elementary school in a charter bus bound for God knows where. I was told that we would be attending a "teacher training" course. For those fellow teachers who have any experience with this will immediately recognize how utterly horrifying this sounds. An hour sitting in a room with Koreans speaking in rapid Korean about teaching probably equates to getting your nipples burnt off by Satan's forked tongue.

Instead, we spent a little over an hour on the bus enjoying a Korean movie called "Panga Panga." I learned that "panga panga" is a "cute" "way" of "saying" "Nice to meet you" in "Korean" (pangap sumnida [반갑습니다]). Basically, from what I gathered, the film is a statement on a very familiar theme to us Americans: discrimination. Yes, they got it over here too. You know who it's against? The foreigners. No, not us white foreigners. They see us as happy leprechauns who will give them pots of gold if they call us "handsome" or "gorgeous" enough times. The foreigners they don't like are the Pilipinas, the Thai, the Vietnamese. Sound familiar? *cough*Mexicans*cough* In the end, however, everyone wins and gets to stay in Korea legally and the protagonist (I don't remember which SE Asian country he's from) gets the Filipino girl (he'd never dare fall in love with a pure Korean woman). The proudest moment? That I just told you the synopsis of a film I watched entirely in Korean.

There are obvious reasons I could understand that much: cliche plot, body language, the actors enunciated, most of the protagonist's lines were just trying to convince everyone he was a Korean (한국사람이야! 한국사람이야!). Boy, his heart was in it though. He really wanted to be a Korean.

When it was right at the "foreigner singing competition" climactic moment, we reached our first destination: Unmun Temple.

Unmun Temple is in a beautiful location in a valley surrounded by picturesque mountains. The thing with temples that I've been to is that the surrounding landscape really makes or breaks it. In Gyeongju, Bulguk Temple is a jewel of Korea. I was not as impressed with it as other temples simply because there was no surrounding scenery other than trees. To me, Unmun is a top five. It is serene, remote, and it has a couple of things that make it unique.

You will remember (won't you?) when I went to Haein Temple several months ago and snapped illegal pictures of the Tripitaka Koreana. Well, Unmun has nothing of that magnitude in its clutches. It does, however, possess a pine tree that is fueled and fertilized with booze. Yeah, that's right. Booze. And it's pretty friggin majestic.

Yeah, that's only one weird looking tree right there. Also, this is the historic site wherein I ceremonially committed treason against Jesus. Not only am I celebrating his birthday in a heathen country, I prayed to their heathen god very near to that special date. Here's proof of my heresy:

Buddha just looked so kind and inviting, sitting up there covered in gold and smiling. It's a lot happier looking than a bloody Christ nailed to a cross. I learned how to properly pray to Buddha, but I didn't do it the proper amount of times. You're supposed to hit that guy up a hundred and eight times when you pray. That's a thigh work out times seven.

The final thing that makes Unmun unique is that it is the largest nunnery in Korea. In Buddhism, they're more like female monks though. They got the shaved head and everything. They live back here somewheres like little bald ghosts:

Hey, here's my co-teachers:

Adorable little guys, aren't they? I love 'em to death.

After a short walk through the forest and pine cone scented nature, we boarded the bus again and stopped for dinner. My leaders chose a small place that specialized in rather tasty and succulent beef. I think before we have any work function, all the Koreans gather in an alleyway (or right in front of me. It's not like it would make a difference) and they snicker about getting the foreign kid as drunk as possible.

It always starts about halfway through the meal. Someone quietly suggests to me that it would be a kind gesture to drink a shot with the principal. I agree that it would and awkwardly saunter over there. We trade shots and then the vice principal pipes up that I should drink a shot with him, too. I oblige. When that's done, the head teacher thinks I should take a shot with him. After that, the judo coach thinks it would show a lot of respect if I drank a shot with him. Then, the "group" leader teacher for the night laughs his unique chuckle and just holds out his glass to be filled and does the same for me before I can protest. In a matter of two minutes, I am 300% more drunk than before and they all laugh and ask me to speak in Korean. Basically, I am their entertainment for a few minutes. When they grow bored they make their bow and say thank you as a kind way of saying "leave now, we're done with you." I am glad to go.

In other news, aren't you proud (or at least annoyed) that I am updating so much now? It's only because classes are over and this lonely Christmas season is coaxing me to express myself. Ah, I am so cool...

World Class Event! The Unveiling Of...Venus da Milo

See, family? I sometimes do productive things. Rarely, but I do. What's that you say? You see a montage of me and my friend Veronica working on our masterpiece? What else did you say? Those pictures do not even really show you what the finished product looks like? Yeah, well that was really my intention. Although I unveiled it to you, it's still kinda shrouded in mystery, eh? That's art, friend. That's what life is about. I know we'll have done a good job on the project if what you focus on in each picture is my shabby apartment in the background. What's the last thing you said? Oh, you don't get it? Perhaps you should look at it again...on weed. Hey buddy. No need to get belligerent. It's not like you paid admission fee.

Oh, also I did post something new below in case you're one of the zero people who check out the blog every day and also one of those people who can't see things right below what you are currently reading. It originally posted below my previous post in a successful effort to confuse your/my slow mind. Lovezzzz.

World Class City and SantaCon

Here is a link to the "Top 10 Places to Visit in 2011." Guess which city is on the list. Go on, guess. The 10th one, the one just making the cut, the oddest and least-heard-of one present: you guessed it. My town. Daegu. I have to give props to my friend Veronica for making me aware of this list. She has an excellent blog and is a talented photographer to boot. You can find her blog here. Buy her a cookie or something.

What I originally came here to talk to you about is how I spent my time after Seodaemun Prison (see last post, lazy). I present to you...SANTACON!See hundreds of smashed foreigners blurrily stumbling down a well lit Korean street donning Santa costumes and singing inappropriate versions of classic Christmas carols that nobody around can understand because the foreigners are mumbling them. Behold the majesty.

Eventually we parted from the group as it was loud and cumbersome to be a part of and accommodate. We found ourselves in the rather lively park in Hongdae witnessing both a silent disco and a live music concert happening simultaneously. There was a roof and jello shots for Greenpeace and a Dutch guy? It was revelrous and fun and I hope to get back to Seoul one more time before departing this peninsula for a month at home.

That's it for this edition of World Class Flaneur. I'm living up to my name, aren't I?

Prison. Fo' Lyfe.

Good morning, America! I'm back in action for a minute. I know, it doesn't quite make up for the absence you've felt in your heart lately. I've got enough juice for a few posts so as my final week of classes wrap up and my materials for Winter camp come to a close, I'll have a void in my life where productive things used to be. Thus, you are my new productive thing, World Class Flaneur.

First, let's do a post dedicated to those who lost their lives during the Japanese occupation from 1910-1945. Last Saturday, I made a trip up to Seoul and had the pleasure of visiting Seodaemun Prison. You usually don't put "pleasure" and "prison" in the same sentence, but this is Korea, after all. It doesn't anymore, but it used to look like this:
Now it looks like this:
...which doesn't really tell you much, but they didn't have a tidy little model for the present prison and you obviously can't see it all from any one point except the guard towers where you're not allowed to go.

The prison was designed to house the anti-Japanese dissenters and Native English Teachers who got low scores on their open classes. It was surprisingly not overly depressing. It doesn't quite compare to the Holocaust Museum or the Nagasaki Atomic Bomb Museum in that scope. It was almost like a Tower of London type of thing where you see the torture devices and they have a silly little program wherein they take your mugshot and place it on a prisoner in a video. They then show you going to prison and getting tortured and screaming for freedom in your cell.
Obviously, this was a terrible place where atrocities against man were committed. I never forgot that. But, as with most things in Korea, they have a way of defying expectations and warping your percieved feelings on something. The room with pictures of all the prisoners who died actually was quite moving. However, instead of letting solely the pictures tell the story, they had to have a digital touch screen floor computer in the middle of it to cheapen the experience and make every child who passes through the room 90% more annoying.

One thing I learned while there that is not something normally advertised in the "woe is me" themed musuems is that the prison was still used until 1987. Anyone interested in Korean history will most likely know that South Korea was effectively a military dictatorship until that very year. You can most likely guess the similarities in its use both during and after Japanese occupation. The best part? The leper building in the back. It offered the best views of the "campus" and it's where friggin' lepers were kept. You don't see those much anymore.


Anyway, it was an interesting and educational little tour in an area of Seoul that I had not previously ventured to. Also, we found a Quiznos. The first one I'd seen since leaving.

Wait For Me, America

Don't give up on me yet, America. I know I haven't written for over a week. I know I owe some of you emails and/or party favors. I know that times have been rough and it seemed like there was not a light with which to guide yourself. I am sorry that you felt I had abandoned you.

Truth is, I've been busy planning for winter camp and when I'm not doing that I feel too lazy to update my blog. But! Luckily for you, I am finished planning winter camp as of yesterday. Oh wait, no I'm not. I still have powerpoints to make and some materials. Crap. Well, that sucks for both of us, I suppose.

Wait for me. Soon I will have nothing to do when the children have all left and I'm sitting in a dark, cold classroom by my lonesome. Just one more week of class...

General Update #141

Look. You don't have to tell me. I get into this rant every month. I end the month strong, but I always particularly suck at opening it. I'm a closer (who else has noticed that closer is just one letter away from loser? Anyone?). What can I say?

Well, I guess I can say that I don't see this month being exceptionally full of blog posts. Sorry to get your Christmas dreams' hopes up. My desire to blog seems to have toppled under the pressure of the Siberian winds that flare up occasionally. Good thing I'm going to Seoul this weekend.

Hmm, maybe three or four things. First, I was provided this great lecture by my friend John in Incheon about North Korea called "The Cleanest Race." It's done by a guy teaching in Busan, and it does an excellent job of providing insight into why North Korea is acting the way it is. I'm going to warn you: it's an hour long. But! It's a really good hour if you are at all interested in history or the region. It puts both North and South Korea in perspective in ways you'd never think (i.e., beyond economic/military numbers, which is all that we hear about on the news because no one believes that actual people live in these places). I have been interested in North Korea for some time now, but this just enhances it. Here's the link.

I think I've touched on this before, but in many of my classes there is always one mentally handicapped child. They always sit in the same seat and are kind of ostricized from the class. It appears they learn little while there. Sometimes they are disruptive. Often they'll rip the handout into a million pieces and make a collage out of it. Sometimes they'll have a laughing fit that will disrupt other students. Other times, they'll turn their desks upside down. Once, one got into a fist fight and a throwing match with a girl classmate. Now, I'm not saying they are full out mentally retarded. Some of them have spoken to me in English or read English words and are very nice, pleasant students. I know they are capable. But, they are not in the right learning environment for what they need. There is a reason they are kept separate. To develop their ability to the fullest capacity, they need specialized attention. In Korea, it seems the acceptable substitute for this is to ignore it.

The explanation as to why something like this is often ignored or underplayed would take a little while to explain and since my desire to blog lately has eroded under various weather conditions, I'll spare you. Needless to say, both the parent and the child suffer for it. Not to mention the poor, poor Native English Teacher who has to put up with it for 80 minutes a week. Perhaps they suffer the most.

Topic number three. I bartended...kind of...not really. Well, perhaps in the most literal sense of the word. I tended a bar. But I was behind it and I did get people beers and easy things like gin and tonics. All out of the goodness of my heart (thus not violating contract, Mama Korea. Don't kick me out). I guess I've just about exhausted that subject...

Topic numero quattro: I have found a way to convert .MOV to .AVI. Fiiiiiiiiiiiinally. A special shout out goes to my cousin Jeff who was the only person to send me advice on how to make that happen. So, thank you Jeff and thanks for nothing everyone else. The method I have found deteriorates the quality of the video slightly, but I suppose the quality wasn't the greatest in the first place since I was doing it with a point and shoot camera. Anyway, hopefully I'll have something put together by the time I come home so that folks can see a glimpse of the Kow-rea I saw.


What else? I'm good for now. I don't want to empty my entire clip because that means less stuff to write about next time. So, for now...goodbye.

Thanksgiving and Hereafter

Yessir, I had a Thanksgiving. Here's proof:Granted, I'm not in any of those pictures so I could have just Googled them and downloaded some randoms or something, but I'm sure you trust me at this point. That's a long way to go to fabricate a lie, don't you think? And I wouldn't keep...talking about it if I were lying because to continue to talk about it means you're trying to cover up something. Like a lie.

Anyway, I took these pictures toward the beginning of the party as opposed to the end, when there were about six hundred more people and they were stabbing each other with turkey bones just to get the last slice of pumpkin pie. Actually, the hosts, a wonderful couple from Memphis, TN, ended up having quite a bit of leftovers to choose from.

After the food digesting began, we made our way to Kyungpook to watch our friends' band play at a bar. Here's proof of that as well: So, at this point I've got visual evidence of my whole night on Saturday. Lest you think I was in Vegas partying with strippers or something. Which is totally not what happened on Saturday.

So, yesterday I stumbled on to this entertaining site called "Uncyclopedia" (erm, maybe the more easily offended should avoid it) which is just like a Wikipedia, but a bit more politically incorrect. I looked at the South Korea page specifically. Although riddled with fake facts concerning Starcraft and kimchi farts, it did actually have two interesting facts (that are true) about the Korean language:

'If you're on a date in Korea, you can say "Da-li yeppo", which means both "the moon looks beautiful" (달이 예뻐) and "you've got nice legs" (다리 예뻐).'

'Korean is the only known language in which "my place of work" and "my rectum" are both, perhaps appropriately, the same word: jik-jang (직장).'

You should check out the United States of America page, too.

Did anyone reading this ever play Doom or Area 51 or Wolfenstein or one of those first person shooter games that came out before the Nintendo 64 existed? I feel like I play that game whenever I'm in school except instead of zombies or Nazis popping out and shooting at me, it's kids popping out and saying hello. In those games, monsters pop out of secret places and scare you and shoot at you, whereas in my life kids pop out of secret places like trash cans and toilet stalls and shoot at me with "hello" and I have to respond in due time or I lose life. Whenever I pass a teacher, it's like encountering a boss because I can't just say "hello" and be done with it. No, I have to blurt out "annyeong haseyo" (안녕 하세요) and bow. Some times, especially on Mondays, I literally forget how to move my mouth to utter this phrase and it comes out "mmummmble-seyo" and I bow and they bow and we go about our day as though I wasn't an inept Korean speaker.

Gobble Gobble

GobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobbleIhateyougobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobble. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. While you're gobbledy gobbling down turkey or whatever substitute you like to eat, I'll be working at work on a normal Thursday. For those of you who asked if they celebrate Turkey Day in Korea, well...you better have just been teasing me about me missing it. Fear not, citizens. I will be celebrating Turkey Day with the best of them...only on Saturday instead of Thursday. Yes, yes, blasphemy, I know. But! I get a day to celebrate the greatest day of gluttony in America. What I don't get is this:Curses to you Americans in America who get to sample this fruit. You are reading it correctly. Turkey & Gravy Soda by Jones Soda Co. complete with two blue balls. The symbolism there must be coincidental. I'm really curious, to be honest. It must either betray true turkey and gravy flavor to be palatable or it must be really damn disgusting.

Either way, I'm going to Costco tonight to pick up the bestest Costco made pumpkin pie I can find. I don't care if everybody else brings pumpkin pie to the potluck on Saturday. That just means there will be plenty of it. What's Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie? You may also ask out loud, to the horror of those who can overhear you talking to yourself, "Will you have turkey on this Turkey Day of turkey days? The answer to your question is a loud, resounding, "If they deliver it to the proper address."

You see, dear readers, our local expat magazine, "Daegu Pockets," has been kind enough to find a way to deliver cooked turkeys directly to your door. Without this service, I imagine it would be nearly impossible to find a turkey. Most Koreans I have spoken to have never tried turkey. Explaining the taste is a bit difficult. "Well, it's like chicken, but not. Kind of. Uh...it's bigger?" So, props to the 'Pockets crew for getting that hurdle jumped.

Anyway, has anyone found a solution to my video editing problem yet? Get working, people! I don't pay you for nothing!

Also, may the happiest of Thanksgivings unfurl itself before you on this day (Wish the same for me on Saturday, you selfish jerks).

Thoughts on North Korea and Google Translate

I was going to post on yodeling and perhaps the conundrum of farting with thin walls, but the North Koreans made my topic much more interesting. Let's talk about them. Hopefully, since this post is published so close to the last one, everyone will forget about the preceding post below. Especially since I just pointed it out.

Yesterday while I was at school, I received news that North Korea had attacked. My heart sunk immediately, until I read what really happened. South Korea was doing some routine military exercises (defense exercises at that). This involved shooting artillery rounds into the sea to the south and west, away from North Korea. North Korea fired 200 artillery rounds at the island, burning some stuff, killing two, and injuring a dozen more or so. The South reacted by shooting 80 rounds back and deploying fighter jets that make it look like the South flexed or something.

Normally, there are really imposing U.S. warships helping the South Koreans out while doing their military drills on this island. This time, they were missing, giving the North the chance to fire without much of a rebuttal. This comes at a time when North Korea is desperate. They are starving to death and they want attention.

In the wake of this, many non-Koreans are panicking. "OMG!WhatiftheNorthattacksandwe'reallstuckherewhatarewegonnadowhatarewegonnadowherestheliquorandtheguns?" To this I say, balogna. Baloney. Balonie. Baylognia. Just look at the locals. Are they freaking out? No. They've been part of this equation a lot longer than you have. To them I ask, "Is this serious?" They kind of chuckle and say, "This happen a bely opten. No wolly, no wolly." Indeed, in the Spring the North sank the Cheonan. Since I've been here there has been an instance of gunfire on the DMZ. This stuff happens. Indeed, maybe we all just pay attention to Korean news more on my behalf. It's probably akin to when you buy a new car and you suddenly see that everyone else bought your same car, too. Honestly, I'm not worried, therefore you shouldn't be either.

Since the news put North Korea in the forefront of our minds, a friend and I discussed the average cost of a meal in North Korea pretty ad nauseam. We did algebra that I hadn't done since my freshman year of college. That's how into it we were. We took the Big Mac Index in the U.S. ($3.57) over its average yearly salary ($46,381), equal to X over North Korea's average yearly salary ($1,244). Solve for X. According to this formula, the average meal in North Korea is a little over 10 cents. That's based on life in North Korea being as fair as it is in the U.S. (which still ain't that fair). Instead of a meal costing 15 North Korean Won as it would according to our formula, it ends up costing much more. Let's look at some data:

According to GoodFriends: North Korea Today, the price of 1 kg of rice, as of January 2010(which is long ago, but still after the currency went all googly eyed on them) was, on average, about 270 won. That's $1.89. Now, a 10 lb. bag of rice costs $18.99 according to Amazon.com. Let's do the math: 10 lbs is equal to ~4.5 kg. With that in mind, 1 kg of rice costs roughly $4.22 in the U.S. That's pretty close to the Big Mac Index. Let's convert how much 1 kg of rice really costs to the average North Korean into terms we Americans can understand. Using the same formula as above, that 10 lb. bag of rice would cost you $317.10 instead of $18.99. That's a pretty large jump in price, wouldn't you say? No wonder the North Koreans are starving to death.

I think I did more research for this blog post than any post before in the history of time. On a lighter note, remember that paragraph that I wrote in Korean last post that I was hoping you forgot about but definitely didn't now that I mentioned I wrote a paragraph in Korean? Well, to save you the trouble, I plugged that puppy into Google translate and here's what came up

"Today, I went to school. Student is an idiot. Now, I'm hungry too. I could eat breakfast. At lunch, terrified that I want to eat rib. Eojae 8:00 50 minutes, I saw the movie hyejinrang. 'Social network' I saw it. Okay."

It was close. I'll give it that. However, I can assure you what I really said was more grammatically correct and made more sense. Here's what I said: "Today, I went to school. The students are idiots. Now, I'm too hungry. I didn't eat breakfast. At lunch, I hope I eat a terrible rib soup (sarcasm). Yesterday at 8:50, I saw a movie with Haejin. We saw 'The Social Network.' It was good."

Here's a little insight into Korean (as if you care). Let's take a simple verb: 피곤하다 (pee-gon-ha-da). To be tired. Now, if I write it like this--피곤해 (pee-gon-hae)--it opens up a world of possible meanings. It could mean "I am tired," "you are tired," "he is tired," "she is tired," "are you tired?" "am I tired?" "who is tired?" etc. Technically, since there is no question mark the implication is that it's a statement, however, when spoken, you don't see a question mark come out of someone's mouth. It's more ambiguous that way. The interesting thing about Korean is that just a verb can act as an entire sentence, given the subject and/or the object is implied by both listener and speaker. In this way, Google translate is notoriously treacherous. We have made it a fun game to plug work emails into it to see what little gems come up. Entertainment, I tell ya. Entertainment.

Usually with single words it's fine though. Anyway, this post turned out to be real long. Good job reading all this, or at least skimming. I don't blame you. But it's all interesting to me.

Filling Up The Month A Bit

Yes, I will get into a frenzy of blog posting about probably nothing or next to nothing to make up for the fact that I can't keep a schedule on where and when it is appropriate to blog. I do have one large frustration to vent here though.

I have several videos from my year here that I would really like to plug into Windows Movie Maker (WMM) and edit the crap out of. I want to make a video that compiles video and pictures from my first year here in Korea so's I can show the folks desperately waiting to see me (and I them) back in the homeland. The problem is that my camera records video in .MOV format, which is kind of retarded in the first place, but also creates a huge problem for me. Windows Movie Maker (WMM) does not recognize .MOV files because that file type is normally seen in Macs. I troubleshot with the ever helpful "Help" option in WMM, and it directed me to a website wherein I can download some nice and free program that would supposedly convert .MOV files to .AVI files.

This would be an immense help to me...except it doesn't work. It'll take its time and act like it's doing something. It'll get my hopes up, telling me that it really loves me and it'll massage my back and reassure me that I'm the only one. It'll be real sweet and cook me dinner once every month or so. It'll even go so far as to create the .AVI file to trick me into trusting it. Then I find it in a bar downtown with some other file type. It's usually .WMV or .MPG. They're the neighborhood sluts. It'll tell me it's not what it looks like, but I know better. When it comes home late from work, I can smell the processing. I end up taking it back every time, thinking next time there won't be a next time and it'll make my .AVI file for me, but alas, Windows Media Player (WMP...or Wimp as I like to call it) and WMM can never read it. I want to slug them each in their respective programmed faces. I also want to slug my camera for recording in that very elitist format in the first place. I also want to slug the program I downloaded for not properly converting my file to an .AVI.

I apologize. I should have warned you that the preceding paragraph was kind of technical and perhaps nonsensical. Does anyone have any suggestions as to a fix to this problem? It's bugging me and I have two or three weeks in January that would be perfect to just sit and edit video all day. I kind of miss that from college...

In news everyone can understand, I have an itchy rash on my neck. Yeah, it's real cute. The ladies go nuts for me. At first I thought it was from my shaving cream, as I recently ran out of the stash I brought from Amurrica and converted to a Korean brand. I stopped using it and the rash slowly receded back into its dark and lonely cave. I was certain I arose victorious. But then again, I thought the same thing about my battle with the collection agency that I couldn't prove was wrong but was definitely wrong (hint: they don't leave you alone. They hide and you hide, and you think it's over, but they find you. They are the Jason Voorhees of finance.).

Then, yesterday, it was super windy cold, so I buttoned up my wool pea coat all the way to the top and flipped the collar (no, I'm not a frat boy) to protect my body warmth from impending hypothermia. This morning, the rash had not only come out of its dark and lonely cave, but it set up lawn chairs and a grill and a little rebel flag to indicate that it had claimed my neck for at least a long Labor Day weekend. I finally determined that it must be because I'm allergic to the wool. Is that possible? Are people allergic to wool only in one place on their body? Does that piss anyone else off? Am I going to stop wearing my pea coat because of it? Hell no, nerka! That janx was Spensive. I'm gonna ride this train until it breaks down or collides into a mountain or a town or careens into a ravine. If I still have a neck rash when I come to America, you'll know I'm a war weary hardened rash veteran.

In the last bit of news, since I've been surrounding myself with more Koreans (mainly just one female one), my Korean ability has skyrocketed at least 200%. I bet I could write a whole paragraph in Korean. Let's try:

오늘, 학교에 갔어. 학생이 바보예요. 지금, 나는 너무 배고파. 아침 먹을 없었어. 점심에서, 무서은 갈비탕을 먹고 싶어. 어재 8시50분에, 혜진랑 영화를 봤어. '소셜네트워크'를 봤어. 좋아.

Ok, let's all give a round of applause! That short paragraph is about as complex as I can get. It's about the level of a 1st grader, if that. What does it say? Good question. Answers pending. Any guesses? Hush up, Koreans.

This blog post was brought to you by three nights of sleep deprivation and a poor man's diet. Come on, Thursday...

Take Me Home Tonight

Yes, I realize how poor of taste I have by not updating my blog for a full seven days. Especially when I was already backlogged seven days. Yes, I realize that this month may turn out to be the one with the lowest output yet. No, you don't have to rub it in my face. It's not my fault. Seriously, blame the Backstreet Boys for making "I Want It That Way" however many years ago and it still playing in certain Korean establishments I frequent. I lay depressed in my bed instead of updating my blog. It's one of those things that is akin to when I heard that some Army guy punched Monkey, the benevolent (and tiny, like a monkey) bartender in the face. You kind of lose a little faith in the future of mankind when injustices like that occur.

Anyway, I do have some news for you. Things happened over the last two weeks that I haven't told you about. First, the most important (and expensive) news:

I have booked my flight home...and back to Korea. That's called a round trip, kids. I will be heading to the land of the hoodwinked free on January 22nd, a Saturday, in the year of our Lord 2011. I will be returning to the land of maniacal ajummas on February 22nd (leaving the 21st). During my month of 불싵ing around Virginia, I would like to:

Eat my favorite meals (and subsequently get fat)

Drink good wine (and subsequently get drunk?)

See everyone on my list of people to see

Procure a year's worth of supplies that I now know I can't get easily in Korea

Celebrate Christmas

Buy a new camera (the old one is fine, but come on, bra. It's a little silly and I get frustrated sometimes)

Visit somewhere I've never been/haven't been to in a very long time (I'm eyeing you, Mt. Vernon/Gettysburg)

Now, for the second, less exciting (but cheaper!) news: I had my play on Saturday last. Here's the full cast:
Sorry, not in costume. We were done and it was hot in those things, so we changed immediately after finishing. But, it was fun. The little chilluns liked it, and there is a video in existence. Now, there's just the matter of getting hold of a copy. Also, the kids were aware of our coming to their school, so they made these cute little posters for us:This is just a small sample of a hallway filled with posters. So sweet, those little kids. Sixth graders have a heart after all. Actually, their teacher most likely made them do it, but still. It's nice enough.

Yesterday, Sunday, I went with some folks down by the river (sorry, there was no van or sighting of Chris Farley) to toss a frisbee around. I'm actually not really a hippie. The weather was nice enough that you hardly needed a jacket and I was trying not to feel lazy. Here's a nice river shot for you folks...Yes, that's a fountain and not a school of fish putting on a visual spectacle for the Korean masses. Actually, I have felt like a semi large writer's block has wedged itself into my brain lately. Coupled with apathy, that's a death-knell for a blog. I don't want it to get to that point. I am also poor (as I have paid for a plane ticket home [round trip, remember?]) and am feeling the pinch lately. This diminishes the chance for crazy Korean mishaps. I will try to think of other things to instead fill this blog with. Oh, woe is me.

Last Monday! A Week Late! Don't Rub It In!

Ahem, so last Monday (surprisingly after I made my last valid post [also, don't you hate it when food gets stuck in your laptop keyboard because you're too lazy to eat elsewhere and your spacebar gets all sticky {I'm not really sure what that had to do with anything...}?]) my school was featured in TBC's TV show of something or other involving area elementary schools.

Here's how it goes down. Basically, a big ol' van full of equipment and a control room shows up and starts setting up cameras at certain vantage points around the dirt track. When this happens, it's a signal that it's perfectly OK for gym teachers to smoke outside where students can easily see them as long as they make the excuse that all the TV guys are doing it too, so why can't they?

It doesn't contradict the healthy lifestyle they're trying to promote through their classes, it just shows that one can both be physically active and smoke a pack a day at the same time.

The only excitement in the morning is all the racket they're making: testing mics, hammering, yelling, driving, honking, etc. Gets all the students riled up for the coming attractions. The real fun begins after lunch. They get all the 5th and 6th graders together in a big rectangle in the middle of the dirt track and sit 'em down for a while. Gets the suspense building. They give them drums and those air stick things that you hit together and make noise with and let them get that out of their system for a minute. It's go time...

Cameras on cranes swoop in and out with kids continuously making obnoxious sounds and the establishing shots are gotten and the hosts come out and do their intro and there's a rocket display (our school specializes in rockets, I think) and noise competitions and trivia game competitions and teachers trying to look stoic and inconspicuous, but still strategically placed to be in all the shots and the children continuing to scream until they sound like asthmatic emphazymics (the name of my new instrumental jam band, coincidentally), all leading up to the grand finale.

There, are, it turns out two schools in attendance. The second eluded me for almost the entirety of the shoot, but soon a troupe of mothers reared and cheered for a rival school (do elementary schools even have rivals?) and out came the contenders: 8 rough looking inner city kids, their rough looking inner city gym teacher, and one of their rough looking inner city mothers. Those must have been the roughest looking inner city group of Koreans I'd ever seen. I think some of them had tattoos (you know, the tears? Where each tear tattooed on their cheek counts as one person they've killed? It might have been a mole...). Anyway, these rough-ians (haha, get it?) teamed up against a similarly comprised team representing my school for a run-to-the-death relay race.

We really had no chance from the beginning. Our first runner was mysteriously prison shanked seconds before the starting gun fired, giving the other school at least five seconds lead. When the teachers had their relay, my school's teacher was clearly faster. The problem was that the other school took a lesson straight from Dick Dastardly's Book of Dirty Tricks and switched the road signs, so he ended up going the wrong way...

I later found out that the winning school's prize was that their native English teacher got to go on a date with all the Samsung Lions cheerleaders. I'm really glad we didn't win now...

So, back in reality land, I've about exhausted everything I have. So, until next time, eh?

Forgive Me, Minions...er, Readers

The alley that I live on has turned into an icy wind tunnel wherein Jack Frost breathes his cold, freezing farts that penetrate any number of layers I may be wearing that day. Why have you forsaken me, Korea?

In other alley news, why, suddenly, did I see pigeons yesterday? I didn't know birds existed in Korea. All those stray cats will make short work of them, surely.

Meat and potatoes time.

Meat and Potatoes: On Sunday, I went to Sachoom, a dance musical that was part of the Korea In Motion Festival. There were no words (for the most part). We had to interpret it through body motion and the instincts of our soul. What I gathered is that the story was mostly about a boy who fell in love with some standard Korean hottie, but she was deciding between him and the school jerk based on their dance skills. Our hero could not dance, thus she went with the jerk. The jerk continued to be a jerk and his little dance entourage continued to show up the protagonist in their superior dance skills. Finally, our hero has a series of dreams in which his friend teaches him how to dance using poles and mops and buckets. In the end there is a dance-off between the jerk and his posse and the boy and his random new posse. They, I suppose, decide that they can both have the girl? and divvy up odd and even weekends, because they end up dancing together in a friendly way and the girl doesn't seem partial to either of them. Maybe it was a little over my head.

Guys, I've got more, but I've been sitting on this one paragraph for a week now. I truly have been kind of busy at work (surprisingly) so I haven't had the time to think fo random crap to post here. I do have things to update on. I just wanted to get this out because it's been a week since I last updated you on anything. Now I only have to update you on 5 days of activity as opposed to 7. Go me. And...I'msorryHey, look errybody! I've been working out and exercising and eating healthy!:

Psh. No, that's not a picture of Dolph Lundgren as He-Man...that's me. This candid photograph was taken one day in the classroom while I was thinking of how to say something very complex in Korean. I'm practically fluent, you know.

The Style Is Everything

Living in Korea, it has become apparent to me that your "style" is everything. Style is used much more commonly here than in the U.S. Stores advertise using slogans about a certain style or just style itself; kids talk about doing something "ajumma style"; ...and I don't have a third example to complete this triad, so I'll make something up...President Lee Myung-bak makes speeches about expected upcoming spring and fall styles all the time.

Thus, style is important. I want to discuss with you at least two styles that I have noticed around here. First, this pattern:

Let's talk about this pattern for a second. For those of you living here in Korea, you probably recognize it. The fact that I could reproduce it on MS Paint from memory says something. If you don't recognize it, look out your window. You'll probably see it somewhere. What I'm getting at is that it's everywhere. It took me a while to realize it. The first time I saw it was pretty early on. Maybe a month into my contract, my co-teacher gave me an umbrella with this design on it. I have since lost said umbrella during a night of drunken mishaps, but the pattern was memorable enough that when I saw someone wearing a scarf with this pattern, I noticed. "Hey, that's the matching scarf to my umbrella!" I thought, and carried on with my life.

I didn't start looking for it until I saw it twice in one day. "Hey, that's the matching visor to that scarf and that shirt and that belt and that glove set and that skirt and that flag and that throw blanket and that other glove set that matches my umbrella!" I thought. Then I stopped. Hmm, that's a really common pattern in Korea. To me, it looks like a really crappy wrapping paper from Christmas 1982. Your Atari 2600 was wrapped in that paper. Steve Perry wore that pattern on stage. That dull cigarette smoke stained off-white background and the silly red lines not really complimenting the varying shades of puke tinted black. For some reason, Korea can't get enough of this pattern. Just look for it then next time you're out. I saw it three times today in my school.

Next, let's talk about a really sad one that we all knew was inevitable:

"Hey, Steve, why is there a picture of the American flag above this text?"

"Because, Timmy, we're being sold out by The Man."

Walk around in Korea for a day and if you don't see an American flag on someone's shirt, I'll give you ten bucks. Seriously. It won't do you much good here and I'll have to go through a lot of trouble to get a ten dollar bill, but I'll do it. That's how confident I am that you won't be able to complete the temple challenge (obviously, you could walk around a forest all day and not see it, but seriously, we all know and accept that as cheating...Koreans are not qualified [see last post]). The American flag has become nothing more than a brand, a style, an image.

What if it was cool to wear shirts with the Ukranian flag on it? How would Ukranians feel? I'll tell you how I feel. I don't want to salute it when I see it on some kid's shirt, I want to punch my nearest politician in the face. Clearly, our flag is not sacred if putting it on a t-shirt with the words "American Style" below it is used solely to make money. Am I a gun-toting, Bible thumping Tea Partier? No. Not at all. I think it's on the shirt for the wrong reasons. It's exploitation of something that should be taken seriously. If it's illegal to burn the flag or even place it on the ground, this should not be ok.

"But Steve. They're wearing it because they support us."

"Timmy. Shut up. You're out of your element."

How many Korean elementary school students do you think could find the U.S. on a map? How many know what U.S.A. stands for? I'm guessing less than half. They don't know what they're wearing on their shirts. It's a statement. It's an image. It's a trend. America has become a trend to fill The Man's pockets. How do you feel about that?

I'm not sure what's worse. The previous paragraphs or the fact that I couldn't find an American flag t-shirt when the World Cup was going on. The one time you need The Man to come through for you...

Avert Your Eyes! This Is Reality!

It seems almost unfair that something eventful happens right after I write a hummer-ful of uneventful turds. But then again, so properly fitting. Today (notice the date of this post [I'm getting all crazy on you folks!]) was my school's festival. What festival? I don't know, we'll call it the Happy Student Trying Festival of Lights. Were there lights? No, but most things about this festival are misleading. Basically, all the parents come in and the students show them stuff. Each class has a showcase of their students' talents, as well as a music performance (each class has a song).


I have gathered that Koreans more or less don't care if something is fake. Give me a show. I don't care if it's real life or not. This can be exemplified by the art display. Students displayed their art all over the school. I wish I had brought my camera to show you some examples of the incredible art these "children" made. Some of this shit could be in a museum. Not like a classical Leonardo type museum, but like a van Gogh or Picasso type of museum. This stuff was insane. I couldn't make the art they made and I'm an adult with an understanding of perception and a basic grasp of mixing colors. No, no, one thing is clear to me. Thier moms helped them and it's totally accepted or this country is damn naive.


"Oh, Min-ji, look at this flawless reproduction of a springtime mountain vista you made. Your expert employment of chiaroscuro shading goes above and beyond even an art student's ability. You're a talented artist! A+!" Or do they see it as, "Oh, Min-ji, you had help on your project. You must have good parents who love you very much. Good job. A+!" In America, we call that cheating and frown upon it. There was the occasional student work that was obviously done solely by the student, and it stood out. To me, it stood out as genuine. It evoked much more emotion from me, however minimal, than something that was obviously concocted with help from others (or if not done entirely by others).


Each class's show was, however, really effing cute. I saw a magic show, a hapkido show, a group dance show, and many children singing. I especially liked the integration of "empty plastic water bottleist" into a traditional Korean drum ensemble. I always did appreciate the increasingly rare empty plastic water bottleist virtuoso. The Great Figaro Dasani was probably the last one I can think of to grace our shrinking and warming planet.


Let's get back to the bigger problem. Korea's acceptance of things that are fake. More importantly, me complaining about Korea's acceptance of the artificial. This acceptance goes above and beyond looking the other way when students get help on their art projects. Let's take a look at what a vast majority of men enjoy looking at: women. I have heard various statistics ranging from one quarter to the almost unbelievable number of three quarters of high school girls having had plastic surgery by the time they graduate. Whichever stat you take, that is an alarming number of girls with low self-esteem. Granted, what they get is not Face-Off type of surgery. Usually, they get the epicanthoplasty (double-eyelid surgery) to get a bigger eye and a more "Western" look.


Between the last paragraph and this one, I've done some more research and reports vary considerably. In the end, there is no way of assessing the truth due to the internet not being reliable for data collection and me being too lazy to ask any reliable source for any data. I am just going to do what virtually everyone else does: read one piece of questionable data and base all my opinions around it forevermore, even if I later see equally questionable data refuting it. So...there's no such thing as plastic surgery here and I find myself in the middle of a beautiful woman breeding factory. The end.

I win!

There, I got a ninth in...kind of...by cheating...except that there really are no rules and I can pretty much do what I want on this whole blog thing. Well, according to my rules (absolute power corrupts absolutely, mwahahaha), I made it to nine blog posts in October. I was considering stopping at seven. You know, so when you look over at the archives it says October (7)...like my birthday?

Actually, I feel pretty useless as a human being since I can't even update my blog with anything interesting in a full week. On the weekend of Halloween, no less! I am a disgrace to thrill seeking expats everywhere. Take me out to the pasture and put a steel rod in my head, why don'chya?

You're mad at me. I can tell. I know, I know. It's Halloween and I should have been out partying with the best of them, and I kind of was, but not full on debauchery style: dressed in a costume that either cost $300 or that I spent 6 hours making, doing shots off the sexy bartender and kicking the crap out of the school quarterback that everyone tolerates but nobody really likes. It was more subdued, and I was actually one of the two or three douche bags who didn't dress up in a bar full of people who did dress up. My douchiness was felt all over the bar.

How are the elections going? I haven't been paying attention too much because none of it really pertains to me since Virginia doesn't have any race going on (does the House really count? Really?). The only thing interesting is this from the New York gubernatorial race:




I would vote for this guy. At least he's got some sense. Sure he may suffer from PTSD as a result of Vietnam, but hey, is he really worse than any of the "real" politicians we put in office? Honestly.

Honestly. I'm glad to be away from all that garbage. Politics ruled the D.C. area (obviously), and I was sick and tired of it. Hearing everyone's nonsensical opinions on why they don't like this guy or do like that guy. Here, I can't understand the politics because it's in a foreign language. I can't understand idiots on the metro having conversations that make you doubt the future of mankind. I can't understand when I'm being made fun of in public. Ignorance is bliss.

Maybe I need to make something happen in order to have an eventful blog post. I think that was the idea when I started this thing, but it has just trailed off into stupidity and the daily routine. Spice it up a bit, Holcomb!

너무 추워

Give me a minute to catch my breath.

What the hell, God!? What gives? Two weeks ago it was pleasant enough. I didn't need a coat to go outside. I could generally navigate my apartment in comfort. Now--psh--now I need a heavy wool coat (the most expensive piece of clothing I've ever bought) just to go outside. I've contemplated turning the heat on. I can see my breath and the wind is biting. 너무 추워!

I calculated based on when it began getting warm in spring, and I've only got six months to go before it starts getting warm. Wait. SIX!? That doesn't work out right! November, December, January, February, March, April. So we get about six months of cold weather, a month combined of warm weather, then five months of ridiculously hot weather. Hmm, why does Korea advertise themselves as having four seasons? That seems like two seasons and a garnish.

In other news, guess who's gonna be Little Red Riding Hood in this play that the Daegu College of Education is putting on in English for all the little childrens. Guess blindly as I slowly bring two thumbs up to point at my own dastardly smiling face and proclaim, "This guy!" Yeah, two showings in November of a play that I will have helped write involving a fairy tale mash-up a-la Shrek, but designed for kids who don't really speak good English. I hope we get noticed by the Tony Awards. I'm planning on making it big with this one. Banking on it. Investing my life savings on it (ha, what life savings?). Seriously, who else here can say that they've had their bank charge an overdraft fee on their savings account because a $4 maintenance fee dropped the balance into the negative? Yeah...

I really want to try to get October's number of posts up a bit, so plan on me posting random worthless crap like this for a couple of days. Actually, maybe I'll just post one more October closer (clozer, not closer).

Hey, if you haven't checked this article out, I suggest you do immediately. It's staggering in a freak show or E! True Hollywood Story way.



Last worthless thing. Without further ado, I present...













...my dream car.Can you tell I ran out of things to say? Hopefully the weekend will be more eventful.

But This One Goes To Eleven

Hmm, random stuff to talk about...

Ah, let's talk about music. Let's be specific. Like Rolling Stone specific, except not paid by record companies to say one hot new band is going to be the next Skynyrd or whatever. Specific as in let's explore the top ten best skindamarinking albums of the most recent millennium. That is to say, the ten best albums that came out after January 1st, 2000...as Steve Holcomb rates them (and, keep in mind that I have not heard every album that came out after January 1st, 2000, so this list is also incomplete in scope and complete in bias. Take that!). Also, take that this list does not include live albums, compilations, or super deluxe max re-issues of old crap. So, *sigh* the top ten best original studio albums, according to Steve, that Steve has heard that came out after January 1st, 2000. As a Libra, I always have to keep things fair and am generally indecisive. As such, I could only narrow it down to eleven ("But this one goes to eleven.") and there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I ranked them from 1-10 (erm, 11). Thus they are in alphabetical order. Who am I kidding? I'll probably look at this tomorrow and think at least three of these need to be changed out. Don't gimme no lip.Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavilion. Since coming out last year, Merriweather Post Pavilion has steadily grown on me. Upon first listen, I thought, hey this sounds like the Beach Boys if they were born 30 years later, on acid that was made in a government lab (as opposed to the acid they were actually on), and maybe a bit more pretentious. Honestly, this album is a trip. Just look at the cover. The reason I made it so big is because it moves when you stare at it. In fact, the cover perfectly sums up the sound: trippy and maybe even nauseating, but entrancing and beautiful at the same time. On the first song, the vocalist sings, "If I could just leave my body for a night," and from there on out, the album takes you to places that you never thought you'd like. Actually, this album is fairly polarizing. Love/hate/love again/hate twice in a row/love forever.

Arcade Fire: Funeral. Arcade Fire's first album is appropriately named. Before production, various family members of the band line-up died, bringing some pretty raw emotions into production. It seems like every song is about death or loss, but not in an overly depressing way. Sometimes, it is just raw power ("Wake Up") and sometimes it is as delicate as a flower ("In The Backseat"). I can't count the times I've listened to this album. But that may go for most of the albums on this list.

Andrew Bird: The Mysterious Production of Eggs. This clown was introduced to me by my sister, who (believe it or not) influences my life considerably. Well, not lately, since I live 9,000 miles away. The first time I listened to this album, I thought, hmm, that's nice. Eventually, it got so bad that the paramedics had to pry this album off of my cold dead chest before resuscitating me back to life. I couldn't stop listening to this album and had each song from it stuck in my head at at least one point over the course of last summer. It's whimsical and light, yet heavy enough to help you feel.

The Flaming Lips: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots. Let me get this out of the way. I have a man-crush on Wayne Coyne. If I were a supple young female, I would be won by his charm. With that said, Yoshimi is a great album. I wish there were more albums like this. Weird and electronic, yet still warm and human. Like Unit 3000-21, this robot has learned to feel. I also think "Do You Realize??" is one of the best singles to come off of any of the albums on this list.

Interpol: Turn On The Bright Lights. I'm going to be honest and confess my nerdiness. I didn't know how much I liked this album until Rock Band 2 came out and reminded me that "PDA" existed. After that, I gave Bright Lights another spin. I'm glad I did, because I would have missed out on a classic that, unfortunately, Interpol hasn't been able to replicate since. This release finds power song after power song. I don't know if there is a really weak track on the album.

Iron & Wine: The Creek Drank The Cradle. I remember the exact moment I began my journey with this album. I was about to go into the chaos that is Fairfax Circle when "Upward Over The Mountain" came on my iPod and distracted me. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I almost crashed into some Asian lady who didn't yield when she was supposed to. I made it safely, and began what would be a passionate relationship with Iron & Wine. Like most passionate relationships, however, ours too fizzled out and now we are just occasional lovers.

The Mars Volta: De-Loused In The Comatorium. I also remember where I was when I first heard this album, although the story is much less remarkable. I was driving to work...and I heard it through a friend. It was really like nothing else I'd ever heard before. It sounded like if Led Zeppelin just came out and had a heavy jazz influence mixed with an interest in the psychological subconscious instead of the blues. They would just get weirder after their debut.

Radiohead: Kid A. This is the oldest album on the list, clocking in at an October 3rd, 2000 release date. It took me a while to get into parts of this album. Particularly "Kid A" and "Treefingers" and the silent part between "Motion Picture Soundtrack" and the secret song. I remember the first time I saw Radiohead in concert, it was before I had heard this album. When they played stuff from it, I thought, hmm, that's interesting. Very electronic. Yeah, but this album got me into electronic based music. Good job, boys. A solid departure from OK Computer.

Radiohead: Hail To The Thief. Yes, sue me. I put two Radiohead albums on this list. When I was narrowing my list down from 17 or so, I had three. Along with the Beatles and Led Zeppelin, Radiohead hold a place in the triumvirate of British rock bands that have helped shape who I am. This 2003 album is based mainly as an attack on then President Bush. It's pretty biting. It is also a return to a more guitar oriented sound for the fivesome, but instead of returning to their earlier sound, they grew to incorporate their electronic period into a more traditional rock set up.

The Strokes: Is This It. You may notice that five of the past ten albums listed have been debut albums. I believe there's a reason for this and it points to a trend in the music industry. It's about attention span and maximizing profit. At some point in time, record companies must have realized that it's easier and cheaper to exploit some band for maybe three albums, each subsequent one trailing off a little bit into the ether, before dumping them. This is what happened to the Strokes, this is what may happen to Arcade Fire, to Interpol, and what should have happened to the Mars Volta. Actually, all three of the Strokes albums are fine works, but this first one is genre defining. So seemingly simple yet based from a more complicated formula. Albert Hammond, Jr. is clearly the star and main talent to me in this band.

Tenacious D: Tenacious D. This is more of an honorable mention than anything. It's just a coincidence that it also falls last on the list alphabetically. I had to include this comedy album because I think, not really by choice, I heard this album during college more than any other. It was a staple between me and my friends. It's coarse, vulgar, and it rocks. The Tenacious D movie pales in comparison and a lot of people can't stomach Jack Black, but this album brings fond memories for me of times past that will never return (sometimes I'm glad for that).

So, you've made it, eh? What do you think? I should probably quit this blogging thing or "expressing my opinion" and stick to teaching, which I'm also not very good at. Well, here's to being mediocre at everything, eh? Cheers, buddy. Say, has anyone ever told you you're kind of an asshole? You don't always have to call people out on their shortcomings. Sometimes, they are well aware without your citicism. I expect an apology soon.

The Busan Four and the Fireworks Galore Happy Special Hour

This weekend saw rain and an increasingly sick blog author. The highlight, however, was the Busan Fireworks Festival. On Saturday evening, I took the KTX down to Busan with three in company to see what would turn out to be the greatest fireworks display I'd ever seen.

First, however, we had to navigate the crowds. The subway was increasingly packed as we approached Kwangan-lee Beach. There were crowd control guys who would help pack people into the train. It was difficult to get lost or move, as all you had to and could do was follow the million (yes, literally there was a million people) others who were on their way to the beach. There was a point when I physically could not move from being packed into the crowd so tight. Eventually, we eyed an alleyway that led to an air conditioning unit, that led to a ladder, that led to the roof of a motel. We ended up getting some really great seats for the last 45 minutes of the show. Without further ado, here are a few mediocre pictures of fireworks taken with a mediocre camera with a nighttime picture phobia:
And to prove that I was indeed there:
It was really spectacular in person. The set up is what really made it. This marvel of a suspension bridge spanning the bay and boats exploding with fire all while pieces like "Ride of the Valkyries" played and a million people roaring at the highlights. Not to mention the panoply of lights around like a watered down Hong Kong.

Here's a picture of the most people I've ever seen at one time:And that's just one side. The other side was the same, in front of us was the same, not to mention all the people in the alleys and arteries of streets trickling back away from the beach. It was absurd how many people were there, and that goes to show that Korea can operate logically to make public urination legal in instances like this.

I also have video, but with a combination of the real name verification law for YouTube and Blogger's ineffective video upload process, I cannot show you. I think it actually may be my mediocre camera's fault. I don't know how to change the recording format (which is also why I can't seem to figure out how to make my videos compatible with Movie Maker) to be anything resembling an easy, compact file. Such is life, I suppose.

In other news, we spent the rest of the night wandering around in the rain, unsuccessfully trying to find a love motel to stay in (remember those million people I talked about? Yeah, apparently they all needed a place to sleep as well...and they plan ahead). As a result, I think I am getting sick (as I previously mentioned. Remember? Geez, you must be getting old). I can only hope that the pinnacle of this illness is not too bad and I can carry on with my life with minimal interruptions from the green sickness goblin.

It's Sunday night and I'm eagerly looking forward to Monday, wherein I can go to school and teach children who don't much care about English for five days straight before what may or may not be a crazy Halloween weekend. I will, as always (or at least sometimes, right?), keep you posted.

PACECISTS Unite!

My weekend was not worth mentioning besides the fact that I spent it with friends and they did a wonderful job of keeping my hopes high and the future looking bright. Instead of talking about that (sorry, guys and gals), I am going to mention the little things that pop up in my head from time to time. The little things that matter more than whatever I was doing at 9:43 PM on Friday.

Having a shower that gives me the freedom to do all my bathroom rituals simultaneously, my thought process has turned from lazy to absurd. I now wish there was a way that I could dry myself and get dressed for work while still in the shower. On these chilly October mornings, the shower feels so good when the temperature is slightly too hot. I make excuses to stay in there for longer. "Oh, I missed washing my left inner ankle, I better rewash my entire body for five more minutes."

Stray cats are a blessing in disguise. They are an indicator of coming weather patterns, they can show you to free food, and they are a great source of entertainment. As I walked home last night, I saw three stray cats playfully batting at each other. Someone turned on the proverbial waterworks. Oh, life is so precious, isn't it? I think life needs more stray cats. I'm going to start a coalition of some sort. Persons Against Confining or Euthanizing Cats Instead of Setting Them Stray. PACECISTS. I like it. You can donate through the Paypal link below:

Paypal - Donate Now!

Doing my laundry is kind of like the war on drugs. It's dirty, messy, nobody is ever going to win and I'm pretty sure there are backroom deals being made to keep it going forever. Having to hang dry my clothes limits the number of loads of laundry I can do a week. I can get two in if I'm really industrious and the weather allows (I just listen to the stray cats). Now think about it. Between completing loads, I am wearing clothes. Sometimes multiple items (sometimes just underwear [sorry for the mental image]). These items get dirty, and for every week I spend doing laundry, another load gets added to the list. That's just clothes. What about washing my sheets, my towels, my place mats? As you can see, this method of washing just doesn't seem to be compatible with my lifestyle. And don't even get me started on how poorly my washing machine completes its job.


Why does it seem like there's always a catch when it comes to my school lunches? Are you looking forward to those fried fish filets? Well watch out, because they have bones all up in them! That soup looks mildly attractive, doesn't it? Too bad it's SPICY AS HELL. You want some drinking yogurt? How about two? Put it back! You can only have one! But have as much rice as you want. That fruit looks like it is tasty. Oh, we put it in the garbage for a week before serving it to you. Those lunch ladies have a vendetta against me for some reason.

I guess life is full of surprises. Life, always chucking surprises at me. Well, I'm gonna start chucking something resembling an overflowing toilet that many Mexican construction workers have used recently back at life. See how life likes that.