Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten Day 6

The morning began somewhat foggily--no that's not a metaphor, emo punk. It really was foggy, but it had lifted by the time we entered New Mexico:


When you think of New Mexico, what do you think of? Pipe down, those of you who have been there. Do you think of Mexico, only newer? Desert, illegal immigrants, etc? Well think again because this state rocks. We began the day at Carlsbad National Park, with a whole new set of scenery. We encountered our first real bushy cacti, which Kristen proceeded to prick herself on.


There were also some pretty sweet hills around the caverns. The Chihuahuan Desert, they call it. I didn't see any of those damn yippy dogs though. Thank Bobness. The caverns themselves were enormous. Luray Caverns got nothin' on these mamajammas. They have one cavern, aptly named the "Big Room" that is about 600,000 sq. ft. or 14 football fields. We Americans like to measure incomprehensible size in football fields. Anyway, that puts it at the largest cavern room in the Western Hemisphere.

We had lunch at this place in White's City (side note: when we first saw signs for White's City, the font they used made me think it said "Whites Only" and I was almost really excited. I swear I'm not really racist, guys. Chill out). Anyway, it's right outside Carlsbad. We told the guy who served us that we were from Virginia and he immediately looked at a map. Good people, though. Super friendly. Great personalities. He rocked those sweat pants.

We then headed to Roswell for some alien interaction. Verdict: those aliens need to step up their game, because we were not impressed. The UFO Museum (and Research Center) looked like a middle school science fair set up in a gymnasium.


But, it presented some interesting evidence to a government cover up, which was its goal. So, mission accomplished, guys.

As we set out past Roswell, we were officially ahead of schedule. I think that since General Mosby is now an outlaw in Virginia, she tends to run a little faster than normal. That, and it was Time-Warp Tuesday! Woo! Sonic Boom!

The drive through central/Western New Mexico was gorgeous. I later found out that this area is called the "Billy the Kid Scenic Byway" because, I guess, he once took a dump here. Anyway, I may look into purchasing some property in Ruidoso. It's 7500 ft. above sea level, it's got Apache casinos, fine dining, skiing, theatre, and a friggin' castle. Maybe that's the property I'll look into buying. Anyway, it was so pretty out that we agreed it would be a shame to continue driving in the dark, so we found the Classic Inn at Alamobambo #5, NM. It's a nice little gathering of chain restaurants and people who were probably once in chains. We chose Crapplebee's for lack of more authentic (read: Mexican) dining fare. If you ever find yourself there, pray you don't get Nicole as a waitress. She's terrible enough to be called out by name.

Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten Day 5

I got up reluctantly at 7 (8 E.S.T.) and didn't shower. Mmm, smelly Virginians. I think we both wanted to get the fork out of there because it was so damn cold and rainy. Of course, we come on the one day that it's cold on the Gulf coast, two hours from the Mexican border.

The drive to San Antonio was just as boring as the drive to Corpus Christi. It rained off and on the whole way, lightly drizzling when we parked near the Alamo.


Yes, the Alamo. The Alamo where Davy Crockett, Jim Bonham, and David Bowie got massacred by the Mexican Army, but for some reason this event is remembered as a great victory for freedom by the Texans. Still, it was cool to see and it came equipped with all sorts of interesting facts and history. Although, I didn't see any exhibit on when Ozzy Osborne pissed on it and got arrested. I guess they keep that sort of thing hush hush. They could have even made a big deal out of it and used him as an example of how you "don't mess with Texas."

Being right in the middle of the city, the Alamo is surrounded by the Guinness World Records Museum, a Ripley's Museum, and some Tomb Rider (not Raider) bullshit. We passed by all that noise and came to the river walk, a very nice (and probably bumping in the summer months) spot with many restaurants and bars. Except that it was treacherously easy to fall into the river, it seemed like a good place to hang out on a Monday around 1 P.M. We chose Cafe Ole at the beckoning of some exotic bird and a black man and had lunch. Neither of us were terribly impressed with the quality of the Mexican food. I guess we were still jaded from the previous night's meal. The cool thing about this restaurant was the bathrooms. I'll leave it to your imagination. They were the most interesting this side of New Orleans.

When we left, I dozed off. Don't worry, faithful servants, I wasn't driving. When I awoke some time later, lo and behold, we were in the hill country! Glorious hills! I hadn't seen a hill since Tennessee. I was giddy the entire rest of the day's drive. We passed through brush, tumbleweed, canyon, and dirt and eventually arrived at Fort Stockton for dinner. Another Mexican place, we thought. We were surprised. Full menu, it said. So I ordered the works: fried cat fish, hush puppies, fries, Texas toast, a little salad thingy that was originally designed to be the toppings of a taco, and some nasty nasty Chardonnay. It revived us, so we drove down an interesting road (285 N, for those of you who plan on mimicking my every move some day) to Pecos, site of the first ever rodeo.

The thing that struck me as so odd is that we would see the lights of this flat city 20 miles away, and it would just sit as this oasis so far away. Like an F-Zero background, it seemed like it would never get closer. It finally did, though, and we wound up at the Motel 6. The Pecos Motel 6, where dreams are made and sometimes realized, and fortunes told. We hope to leave here soon.

Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten Day 4

Day four saw us successfully into Texas. We crossed the Mississippi River at Baton Rouge and kept gunning it for the border. After crossing, we saw a sign that said "El Paso - 878 miles." So, if you've ever wondered how many miles it is from the East end to the West end of Texas, now you know!


We passed over Houston and eventually entered an area rivaling Mississippi state for the most desolate, boring area of the U.S. I have ever seen. If you ever find yourself on Rt. 59 to Rt. 77 South, realize that you'll be on it forever, it'll be long, lonely, and boring as shit. And definitely stop for gas when you get the chance.

Eventually, after persisting through incredible odds, we reached Corpus Christi. We were initially greeted by an oil refinery, smelling like burning tires for miles. Oooh! This town was going to be fun! Luckily as we passed it and got into the actual city part, things improved slightly. But only slightly. Actually, once on Padre Island, things looked Outer Banks-esque, or maybe a cross between that and dirty Myrtle Beach-esque-ish.

We greeted our host for the evening, Ryan, and his roommate, Sean, warmly and thanked them for the place to stay. After a round of darts and malt liquor, we ventured into town for Mexican food. We were two hours from the border, after all. It was pretty good, and I was fairly drunk by then, so I thought it would be appropriate to save the leftovers. Wrong! That was a Kim Jong-il level decision. They went into the trash today.

Anyway, we hit up a bar called Pelicans first, and as soon as we entered we knew we weren't staying. They were in the midst of a sour faced intense Texas Hold-em tournament, and we were obviously interrupting their sour faces. So, we traveled almost next door to Scuttlebutt's and drank and played pool. So Texan, were we. There we met some of their friends, all of them characters. It was a good night, and I was sloshed by the close of it.

Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten Day 3

Day 3 was a rip-roaring success as far as I am concerned. The drive was short--4 hours--and Jackson was a giant shit pile like I had suspected. The only tall building in the town had a giant cross on it. As soon as we passed into Louisiana--


--we saw signs for Kentwood, the childhood home of Britney Spears. I tell you, Jackson looked like a wonderful oasis comparatively. This was one of those instances where someone's entire lifetime of choices was explained completely. We have had several of those instances thus far.

We crossed into the New Orleans area via the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway, the longest water bridge in the world. I gotta say, it's pretty long. We had to search around for a hotel that was reasonably priced, but found one pretty quickly that has actually been the cheapest deal on the trip so far.

Immediately we hit the streets, gunning for the French Quarter. What a crazy place that place is. Drunk people everywhere, live music, people dressed as strange things (hand grenades). I really enjoyed the architecture as well. The bars were all holes in the wall with shitty, shitty (pun halfway intended) bathroom facilities. But, I managed using cunning, wits, brawn, sex appeal, and gusto. We had New Orleans-esque food all day and I tried four different types of Abita beers. Abita seems to be the beer of choice in the French Quarter.


It was damn cold, too. Walking around and seeing St. Louis Cathedral and the mighty Mississip was really awesome, but it left my extremities number than my heart. When the pre-pre Mardi Gras parade finally came, it was probably colder, but we didn't notice because we had been drinking and there were many people crowded on that damn Royal St.

The parade began with Dr. John, surprisingly enough, being named King of the parade. It continued with a political satire theme. Various politicians were displayed with other things like gravestones that read "R.I.P. Integrity" and the like. It really can be summed up as this: same shit, different city. Although I did not know most of the politicians displayed, I knew the complaints. We all do. From what I saw, New Orleans is a pretty as well as kick-ass town with a lot of character. I hope to go back there some day before I'm too old to enjoy it. If nothing else, than for the culture. It's thriving.

Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten Day 2

Did you ever have the desire to go to Athens and see some old, beat up temple that was once used to store gunpowder? Why spend thousands of hard earned American greenbacks going to some foreign place just so some dirty commies can get their mits on it? Go to Nashville instead! They have a full scale reproduction of the Parthenon right there! And it's in pristine condition. No nicks or scratches of any kind. I'm just saying. They didn't have to unsuccessfully ask the British government for their frieze back.

Anyway, DAY2 began like any other day that begins by being greeted with an impending snow storm. The only difference was that we had to get on the road. No dirty nature was going to stop us. So, our first stop after the wonderful Knight's Inn continental breakfast was seeing the Parthenon in the snow. Does it even snow in Athens? Psh.

The highway between Nashville and Memphis saw the most rigorous portion of General Mosby's final exam thus far, but the colors flew all over the snowy sky as she handled it like a champ. There were no less than nine accidents in that 200 mile stretch, along with may different types of snowy conditions. Tennessee cars seem to get cocky and fall off the road or tip over or whatnot, but not General Mosby. No no. She never lost her cool under pressure. It went from snow to rain to hail back to rain and not once did General Mosby ask if enough was enough.

So, the trip to Memphis took six hours instead of three and a half. I had no complaints about that, as we were still one of the cars on the road and not flipped over on the side of it. I did, however, have a complaint that fucking Graceland was closed due to the weather. How often does one get to Memphis to see the King? And the guy at the Walgreen's down the street said that kind of thing only happened maybe once a year. Lucky us. Oh well, that put us right back on schedule to get to...


Now, this next anecdote explains Mississippi very well. We crossed the border and we see no sign. You know when you cross a state border and the exits are suddenly totally different numbers? Well, that happened, and things were obviously Mississippian by the difference in the signage. So, we were both bummed that both Graceland was closed and that we thought Mississippi couldn't even afford a welcome sign. Well, turns out 10 miles later, the welcome sign shows up randomly and abruptly. Doesn't that just explain to everyone who enters that Mississippi is just a little behind the ball there? I thought it was very fitting. Anyway, we drove down Highway 61, the fabled birth of the Blues where Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil to play the guitar. And you know what we listened to on that highway? You guessed it: Lady Gaga. And Bob Dylan's Highway 61 Revisited. I mean, come on. How could you not?

So, it's my first time in Mississippi, and hopefully my last. It's just so much work to spell out in blog posts. Impressions: um, well. There isn't anything in this damn state. Oh, except for the most awesome thing of all--a town named after me:

It was a town sooooo cool that it got its own stop sign. Trust me, that's rare down here. Sorry the picture is so crappy. It was dark and raining. They just discovered electricity down here so none of the signs (deemed non-essential since literacy is below 20%) are lit up. Anyway, imagine a single lane road going through a massive field that is partially flooded, no houses anywhere to be seen, trees in the distance, and crows. That's Mississippi. Incredibly desolate of life. Coming from Virginia, I kept waiting to see a new subdivision around every bend, but nothing. Just fields. We are right outside of Jackson, so I'll let you know how that is when we pass by it and give it the finger tomorrow. Seriously, the only life we passed here was a penitentiary and a mental hospital. No joke.

Actually, that's not entirely true. We stopped at a typical gas station on Route 49 S (off of Highway 61, where those silly blues men roamed aimlessly while most likely bitching about what they don't have). This mom-and-pop style cinder block gas station was peculiar in that a) it had the old style manual gas pumps b) it had a cashier with all gold teeth and c) the bathroom was in some back room where there used to be a segregated eating area (for those wily darkies, I'm guessing). And the cops were eyeing me. They got nothing.

So, we're three hours from New Orleans and well into the South. I have been more scared in my life, but this is definitely a code orange or so. It's a different world down here than even the rural parts of Virginia. Or, maybe it's all in my head. I'll let you know how day 3 goes at some point. Pray or hope or wrestle snakes or do whatever it is you all do for spiritual guidance for General Mosby with me. She is such a Godsend.

Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten Day 1

So Soheil owes me a punch in the face the next time he sees me. General Mosby (my Volvo) made it to Nashville like a champ, and she even had enough juice to drive us around whilst lost and afterward downtown.

The trip began with the hardest goodbyes of all, my mother and nana, sounding a bittersweet starting gun. The open road lifted my spirits though, and before too long Kristen and I were rolling at never more than 75 mph toward Tennessee.

I almost repeated history with my camera. At the Tennessee border crossing, I stupidly decided to put the timer on the camera so we could both be in the picture and placed it on the hood of my car. STUPID. Anyway, a maniacal truck whizzed by and it fell onto the open road. My heart fell with it. When I picked it up, however, it was fine except for a few new scratches (it adds character). It kept on ticking.

In Nashville, we stopped at the place I've frequented before. I don't remember the name, but it's got Southern people in it. That's not much help, is it? Well, screw you, buddy. Then we waited for someone to bait us into their bar, and one did. We struck up a conversation with the bouncer and walked in to a great country cover band. They took requests, and the female lead singer had some great chops. I don't like most country music, but this stuff at least kept our feet tapping.

We turned in early like old people to get a fresh start for...DAY 2!! Go, General Mosby, go!

Route Map, Beotch.

So, here it is. The Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten route map. Take a look and cry at its beauty.


View Larger Map

We leave, well, now that it's 12:01 AM, tomorrow. Thursday, January 28th, I say goodbye to the last and most important of the fam: my mom and grandmother. I am finishing up packing and I will make it work, forever hold my peace. I will update from the road...hopefully.

Update

Ok, so I'm a terrible person. I was going to roll out this big ol' blog with all sorts of super posts on how awesome my friends are, how awesome my family is, and what I've been doing and where I've been sleeping in the past two weeks. Well, I didn't get around to it yet. I'm planning on it in the future, but you know me and plans. We sometimes get into fist fights. Anyway, the reasons for me being such a blog loser are many, and most of them are my fault. Some of them are Pat Sajak's fault. So, instead of dwelling on my ineptitudinousness, I'm just going to move on.

To sum up: I'm living with me ma and grandma, I've been getting everything ready for the massive undertaking I'm about to embark upon in two days, I've been crying at the heavier goodbyes, I've been eating well, I've been drinking a lot (not one of the reasons I haven't gotten around to blogging, just a regular pastime of mine), and I've been spending time with the fam.

As for events that I have been taking part in: I have taken my grandmother to her various doctor appointments, I booked my flight on Korean Air, I got my E-2 visa, I got some lunch with a couple of my former coworkers, I had a couple more goodbye thingies (they are getting to be a dime a dozen here, but hey, I have a lot of people that I care about and want to say, "Hey, see you later on down the road, partner," to), I got my car checked out, I went wine tasting, I saw Avatar again, and I've generally been putting my possessions into two piles--the "this shit is going with me" pile, and the "I don't need this crap anymore" pile. Eventually, I will pack the former pile into a couple of bags and call it well-planned. I'll probably be grossly unprepared when I arrive in Incheon on the 17th.

The other thing that is happening is that the sense of urgency has hit. I sort of waddled around here for a week enjoying not working before yesterday when I realized I only had three days left to prepare everything. The everything I am speaking of is not too terribly daunting, but it does take some time and I need to get this shit rolling pretty fast. I leave for my "Epic Road Trip Extravaganza Winter 2010 Gala Celebration Party Oh-Ten" on Thursday morn. That means all my shit has to be in order by Wednesday night...two nights away. I got this, hoss, back off. Gimme a minute.

So, I am diligently printing things out, silently pushing the things I don't plan on finishing but should finish under the rug while pointing out something really bizarre going on behind you, and generally freaking out. But like I said, hoss, I got this. If you touch me again I'm going to send you home in several paper bags.

You may have noticed that there is an abundant lack of pictures. That is to exemplify my lack of preparedness when it comes to anything important to me. Actually, it's because my family's computer is not memory card friendly and I just can't be bothered right now. Don't worry, faithful servants...er, readers, I can be bothered when I get to Korea. Proooooooomiiiiiise! Road trip update coming!

Goodbyes

Last night was my going away party in the NoVa area. We held it at the house on Pooh corner where Kristen, my (now former) co-worker, lives. She even made cookies and brownies! It was a delightfully good turnout, with probably 40+ people making an appearance. I wore a smile the entire night...until the goodbyes.

I was never very good at goodbyes. Usually they come out awkwardly and somehow incomplete. Sometimes I even squeak and say nonsensical gibberish. You can't say, "Hey, see you tomorrow," or "Let's do something next week." Instead it's more like, "Hey, sorry I'm missing your wedding/graduation/birthday coming up because of my selfish dreams of going to some foreign land for an extended period of time." But, you know what? It's not goodbye goodbye. It's only, "See you later. Much, much later. In enough time for you to have a kid if you wanted to (or even if you only wanted the initial feely-good part of that process). In enough time to change your entire life or move away or get married. What have you. A year is a very long time, and I was bitterly reminded of that last night. Still, it was a bitter sweet. I was very grateful to have so many people come to see me off right. I saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time, some people I had never seen before, some people who I had met once or twice, some people who eventually broke my camera, and some great friends who are a huge part of my life almost daily.

My sister, Sara, made a grand entrance, as usual. It was surprising to see her after she feigned not being able to make it all the way from Richmond. She came decked in sequins, some bitchin' sunglasses, and papal garb passing out signs and jello shots (vegan, of course). The signs were hysterical and heartwarming. The jello shots were throat burning and intoxicating.

My good friend Laurence came with some lambic kriek beer. It tasted like candy, or black cherry soda. Totally awesome of him.

Agh, you ever get a booger that you just can't weasel out with your grubby little digits and instead it just leaves a snot trail on your finger and your nostril until you finally muster the motivation to go get a tissue? Well, I haven't mustered the motivation to get a tissue yet because you, the faithful subscriber, are more important. Or my laziness is just that strong.

Alright, here's the skinny. It was a great party, and all the babies cried and the children giggled and the adults got good-timing drunk and the geriatrics went to sleep early after watching Jeopardy. I'm going to miss the whole lot of them. We are an eclectic group, but the dynamic works and everyone who attended is a wonderful person whom I am blessed to know. I know, sounds like a bunch of sentimental, right-wing, smoke blowing bull shit, but I mean it.

Friday, January 15th, 2010!

My last day of work was what can be described as sad. There were many tearful goodbyes, and reminders of some lost opportunities, or alternate futures that could have been. Remember, I'm not going into weather conditions so you'll just have to take that previous statement as it is.

Ok, I'm just jerking your chain (is that a slavery reference? I never fully understood. Probably because my I.Q. is less than 70). My last day was actually very relaxing and I was glad to have gone through it. My replacement, Willie Handjiverson, took the reins--not the leather straps, but the kidneys--admirably. I think he's got a solid handle on things...until things get into some other state of matter. Can one have a plasma handle on things? We'll soon find out!

Anyway, this day was a long time coming. Over the last year and 8 months, I've had a lot of time to think about all the crazy things I could do on my last day without any foreseeable consequences (harrassmentbadgeringtaekwondocompetitionsrapemurdermoneylaunderingkittenslavery), and all the things I would say to my boss upon never seeing her again. So, when the time came, I strolled casually into her office and engaged in a final conversation with her. You know what I told her? I said, "Thank you, I've grown so much since I've been here." Now, I know what you're thinking. Where are the curse words and the violence? Why didn't you bring a machine gun and call her a dirty animal? Well, I have to admit that I told the truth. She's not a perfect boss, not by any stretch of the word even. But, she was my boss, and I've learned since she's been part of my life. Now, I definitely omitted some key pieces of information, but I think it made her feel a little better. And isn't that what life is about, folks? Making people feel just a little better than if they'd never met you? Yeah, that and porn.

The fun's not over yet. The rest of my night consisted of pigs chest bumping each other, Vikings, and a giant metal Ghandi. That's right, me and the boys went to the Brickskeller. Ironically, it's just down the street from the South Korean Embassy, but they would have been proud if there wasn't a giant church blocking their view of my debauchery. We had some good beers, some piss watery beers, and some unexplainable beers that smelled like bacon. I'm glad I got to see all the boys, as that was our night. You can't take it away from us. Not even for all the taxpayer money that Goldman Sachs got. Not even for however much money in therapy it would take to fix Courtney Love.

Warning: boring blog post coming up. Even I, the glorious Khan, can produce drivel.

So, I finished my second to last week of work. In an unparalleled act of intelligence, my replacement started yesterday. I have been training him all god damn day on both of the past two work days. He seems like a nice guy. His name is Al Tripperton* and he lives at 4235 Willow Onyx Terrace in Flattsville, TP 78901.** He loves hiking in moon boots. His favorite food is grilled praline sausage with brussel sprouts. Sometimes he'll go out of his way to tear the edges off of paper signs. He has a hot and cold relationship with his mother. It's going to be a sharp learning curve once the boss gets back on Monday and we actually have to do work, but I think he can get it.

He had this "all work and no play" mentality when he came in for his first day at Super Secret Work Location 2.0, but I quickly beat it out of him with my spreadsheets and CAFM program. Now he thinks his boss is a lunatic and everything is broken. All is right in the world.

I also emailed Joyce today and she said that my contract will be in the mail next week. That's a far cry from what she originally told me, but I learned not to trust the Koreans a while ago. Originally, it was 3 weeks from when I mailed my shit in October, then it was "December" then it was "between Christmas and New Years" and now it's "next week." I guess she wasn't that far off if you're comatose. Oh well, C'est la vie, I say.

I suppose that is all for now. Glorious day to you all, all zero of you.

*Not his real name
**His real address, I swear to Bob. Write him a letter or go visit him there.