My last day of work was what can be described as sad. There were many tearful goodbyes, and reminders of some lost opportunities, or alternate futures that could have been. Remember, I'm not going into weather conditions so you'll just have to take that previous statement as it is.
Ok, I'm just jerking your chain (is that a slavery reference? I never fully understood. Probably because my I.Q. is less than 70). My last day was actually very relaxing and I was glad to have gone through it. My replacement, Willie Handjiverson, took the reins--not the leather straps, but the kidneys--admirably. I think he's got a solid handle on things...until things get into some other state of matter. Can one have a plasma handle on things? We'll soon find out!
Anyway, this day was a long time coming. Over the last year and 8 months, I've had a lot of time to think about all the crazy things I could do on my last day without any foreseeable consequences (harrassmentbadgeringtaekwondocompetitionsrapemurdermoneylaunderingkittenslavery), and all the things I would say to my boss upon never seeing her again. So, when the time came, I strolled casually into her office and engaged in a final conversation with her. You know what I told her? I said, "Thank you, I've grown so much since I've been here." Now, I know what you're thinking. Where are the curse words and the violence? Why didn't you bring a machine gun and call her a dirty animal? Well, I have to admit that I told the truth. She's not a perfect boss, not by any stretch of the word even. But, she was my boss, and I've learned since she's been part of my life. Now, I definitely omitted some key pieces of information, but I think it made her feel a little better. And isn't that what life is about, folks? Making people feel just a little better than if they'd never met you? Yeah, that and porn.
The fun's not over yet. The rest of my night consisted of pigs chest bumping each other, Vikings, and a giant metal Ghandi. That's right, me and the boys went to the Brickskeller. Ironically, it's just down the street from the South Korean Embassy, but they would have been proud if there wasn't a giant church blocking their view of my debauchery. We had some good beers, some piss watery beers, and some unexplainable beers that smelled like bacon. I'm glad I got to see all the boys, as that was our night. You can't take it away from us. Not even for all the taxpayer money that Goldman Sachs got. Not even for however much money in therapy it would take to fix Courtney Love.
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