Steve-topia?

Let's discuss what would make the perfect country, in my experience. I've been wanting to do this post for quite a long time, but I haven't found the time or place. Now that it's the lull before the weekend, I guess now is the perfect time and place. Nevermind that none of you will read this.

Not counting the Vatican (who would do such a thing!?), I have been to nine different countries on three different continents. That's definitely on the lower end of the travel spectrum compared to my expat friends, so don't consider it boasting. It's more like a meek confession. In my experiences, I have noticed things about a country that are better than in my homeland. Yes, believe it or not, not everything in the United States of America is best. Many things are--don't get me wrong--but you will get no blind patriotism here.

As such, I wanted to compile a list of things that are important to me in the made-up, perfect "most amazing awesometastic land in all the land" country contest. Keep in mind that the following message may reveal a bit about my personality. Here goes:

1. Let's not jump to any rash conclusions based on the fact that I thought of this first, but Public Drinking. This is legal in the French Quarter of New Orleans, a part of Las Vegas, and I think one street in Austin, Texas on certain dates. It is legal anywhere, everywhere, and at any time in Korea, Japan, and the Philippines. There's nothing like walking down the street, past a cop, drinking a tall boy. Asia -1, North America -0, Europe -0.

2. This is another Asia booster. No Tipping. Now, before all you servers and hairstylists and taxi drivers get upset at me, hear me out. Do you know why you rely on tips in the U.S.? Because you get paid crap. Blame capitalism and the individualistic attitude Western society has. Your boss is too stingy to pay you decently and you're not concerned with the well-being of the establishment you work at unless you're given incentive to do so. In Asia, they think collectively. What's good for the establishment is good for the employee. Hands down. They get paid decently so they don't need to rely on tips. Providing service is what they're paid to do. I'll give a half point to Europe because not everywhere I've been on that continent relies on tipping. Asia -2, North America -0, Europe -1/2.

3. This next one is extremely important. Nature. Yes, Mama Nature has to be thriving and well in my perfect country. Smog? Hell no. Birds? Hell yes. Give me some trees and some mountians! Although the parts of Korea that I've seen are somewhat lacking in breathtaking vistas, I still have to give Asia a half a point for Japan and the Philippines. North America definitely gets a point, and Europe gets a point for Switzerland alone. Asia -2 1/2, North America -1, Europe -1 1/2.

4. Also important for preserving #3 and keeping out that nasty smog. Bomb Diggity Public Transportation. I don't want to have to rely on a car to get where I'm going. Hell, even if a bus won't take me there, at least make taxis affordable. Ah, sorry again, America. Asia gets a point for most genius modes of cheap transport. Asia -3 1/2, North America -1, Europe -1 1/2.

5. It seems like everything I can think of is just to spite North America. Government Run Public Healthcare. Let's not even get into the situation in America. They get half a point for the half that has working healthcare (the Canadian half). All I know is that I call roll up into any joint and get any basic healthcare need for less than 10 bucks in Korea. Within reason, of course. And we all know Europe is full of communists, so their healthcare works. Asia -4 1/2, North America -1 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

6. Ok, let's get more specific. My perfect country needs to have a Vibrant, Young, Attractive Population. Damn it, America, get your act together. You're on life support here. Sorry but if you come to Korea, you'll realize that Asia is where it's at. Everyone is thin here. And not for lack of food. There must be something in the kimchi here that keeps these girls attractive. Asia -5 1/2, North America -1 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

7. I'm gonna cheat a little. It's the American way. This one's worth two points: Family and Friends. One for family, one for friends. Now, to all you Korean expat friends, don't be hasty. You are all from somewhere Western. Mostly the U.S. You will be going back there some day. Probably in the near future. So get off my back when I give both points to North America. Come on, what's a perfect country worth if it's full of strangers? Asia -5 1/2, North America 3 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

8. What about peace, love, and understanding? A Second Official Language. I don't care if the first language is Hopi and the second is Punjabi. A bilingual population is an educated population. Now, I know that every continent I'm comparing has at least one country with a second official language, but I'm going to go with majority based on countries I've visited. So, in actuality, none of the three get points. Asia -5 1/2, North America -3 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

9. This is an important cultural aspect. Diversity. This could go hand in hand with the previous point, but they are not one in the same. One thing I can't stand about Korea is the lack of diversity. It's all about homogeny in Asia. Let's just take food for example. My choices are usually Korean, Italian-Korean, Mexican-Korean, Japanese-Korean, or American-Korean. Yeah, fusion food is nice and all, but give me some diversity and some authenticity. Sorry Asia and Europe, nobody's got diversity covered like the melting pot of the world: North America. Asia -5 1/2, North America -4 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

10. Ten's a nice, round number, right? Top ten blardy blars or top ten skindamarinks. Ok, fine. How's this for ten? Thriving Artistic Expression. I can't rightfully give Asia a full point. There is a thriving art scene in Seoul and in Japan, but where I live? Not a chance. Unless you count the fact that every Korean has a $3,000 camera, I can't swing more than half a point. We all know the other two contestants have an art scene worth boasting about.

Final tally: Asia -6, North America -5 1/2, Europe -3 1/2. Looks like my perfect utopia is more Asian than anything else. Perhaps a hint of that European feel, a dash of interesting history and culture, and that great North American diversity. What a place to live. Now, let's work on making it real.