I wake up usually about 7:10, drunk with sleep (Do you wake up tired in the morning? Well, if you do, you should take these PILLS!!!! Go Pfizer!). I have never once felt like I've gotten a good night's sleep on that poor excuse for a bed I have. But the point of this post is not to rant. I immediately go for breakfast--either cereal or waffles, sometimes with fruit, yogurt, and juice. I kill the clone of the previous day's horned centipede from hell who is living in my bathroom and take my shower, etc. I have about 15 minutes to check the usual suspects of websites before I shuffle slowly to work. Lately, I'm usually sweating by the time I get there seven minutes later.
I say some variation of "hello" or "good morning" 800 times to each passing child before I get to my desk. My co-teacher is already there. About 50% of the time, the annoying girl who cleans the classroom is there yelling "annyeong haseyo" at me because I refuse to speak Korean when the kids demand it of me. I'm not a dancing monkey...well, that's not entirely true, but I like to think of myself as something a little greater. My co-teacher dutifully brings me tea in the morning, which I love, but also feel slightly awkward about. At this point, she'll either tell me that the kids are going on a field trip that day so there are no classes or she'll relay some other message that requires me to do work that afternoon.
If there are classes that day, she busts out her notebook and we go over the lesson plan that she created. Keep in mind that she has, on more than one occasion, told me that I am to start planning more and playing a bigger role. In the beginning, I took her word for it and began planning things and preparing for a bigger role. However, when nothing changes and whatever I suggest gets put on the wayside for the plan she already inexplicably made, I give up and go with it. The lesson is never extremely deviant from the textbook, which is fine, but the teacher's guide for that thing is kind of silly. Every lesson has a "greeting" section wherein the teacher greets the kids. The lesson plan goes so far as to write out some fictional conversation that will never happen in a real classroom. As follows:
Teacher: Hello class.
Students: Hello teacher.
Teacher: How are you today?
Students: Not so good.
Teacher: Oh, I'm sorry. Who is absent?
Students: ______ is absent.
Teacher: Where is he/she?
Students: He/she has a fever.
Teacher: Oh no! What day is it today?
Students: Wednesday.
Teacher: Did you get a haircut?
Students: Yes.
Teacher: It looks good. Let's start today's lesson...
Is that really necessary? Like to the point of even leaving a blank for the student's name as though that's what is going to happen. What kind of madhouse classroom carries on exactly like in this book? The scary part is, I bet there's a teacher in Korea somewhere who reads this book word for word. I'll admit that I have come pretty damn close, but only in the listening check because sometimes I don't know what other questions to ask the students.
Usually, I'll have about four classes a day where the following happens. I greet them (not quite like the dialogue above), let my co-teacher talk for a while, then I say some things, ask the students some questions, have them repeat after me and my coveted American accent, let the co-teacher talk, then walk around the classroom while the students do group work. This is the highlight of my day. I'll get asked how old I am, I'll get told I'm so handsome, kids will feel my hairy arms like I'm a freak show, kids ask me to play "rock, paper, scissors" with them, I get to confiscate pencils or other paraphernalia that are being misused to cause harm to others, sometimes I get to participate in the students' groups or games or role plays, sometimes I get to put some Korean to use and really blow some minds, and sometimes I just veg out in the back when I'm super tired.
Games are a huge highlight. I wish there were more of them. The kids love them and they usually make me laugh (the kids, that is, not the games). The songs and chants can be an unintentional hoot, too. Here's a link so that you get an idea of what the songs are like. In this particular one, sung to the tune of "Love Potion #9," the male singer is a little too into it and every class busted out laughing when he did the "Oh, oh he is good!" In another song, they just decided not to have a male part although a male was clearly singing. So it's just a woman's voice coming out of a man instead. Sometimes I wonder if the songs are intentionally retarded.
Class is also the best time to scope out the unintentionally funny t-shirts that kids wear. A few favorites are:
- Black t-shirt that says "majah flavah" with each letter in a different bright neon color. I've seen this shirt on more than three kids at my school. Do they all shop at the same place?
- A green t-shirt that just says "Paper why?" Is that a why made out of paper or are they asking paper why it did something? "Paper, why did you murder my family? Paper, WHYYYYYYY?!"
- A white t-shirt that is covered in random sentences and on the back says "He was fucking angry indeed" right above some slogan about nuclear contamination or something.
- The sweatshirts with the zip up hood. On the chest will be a body, usually Mario's or Batman's, and then when you zip up the hood, Mario's or Batman's face is there. So it's kind of a costume as well as a sweatshirt. The best one I saw was one with Mario's body, but a skull as the head.
Anyway, class will usually lead up to lunch. Lunch is always a toss up. I get to butt in front of the kids because I'm a teacher (in name) and get a first hand glimpse of what is about to be slopped onto my tray. There is a formula to each day's meal. The metal tray is set up so that there are three circle inlets on the upper half and two larger bowl cavities on the lower half. First scoop goes into the top left circle. It's usually "dessert" (which ranges from dried minnos to drinking yogurt to fruit). I don't know why dessert is put on my tray first. Next is kimchi. It always goes in the center of the top half. They always give me too much. Third is the final bowl of the top half. This is the meat/seafood/tofu/mystery substance (dog?) that is today's exotic dish. This ranges from little Korean hot dogs to veggie omelet patties to quail eggs to anything else I can't identify. The left bottom bowl gets a healthy serving of rice, and the right bowl gets soup, usually seaweed or tofu or seafood of some sort. Mmm.
I get to say "hello" to every kid I missed saying it to that morning, and even some who sneak a second one while I eat and stare across the room at the shy non-English speaking teacher that I have what may be an unhealthy crush on. The Koreans eat wicked fast, which means I'm the last to leave at the teachers' table. They sometimes have even started seating the first graders around me by the time I finish.
At this point, it's the afternoon. The afternoon means one thing: I'm going to be bored to tears unless I find something to do. I used to have four afternoon classes sprinkled throughout the week, but I haven't really had any of them in probably a month due to various things. Now that I don't even expect them anymore, I predict that I will have two tomorrow.
This afternoon free time is designated "lesson planning time" or "office time" so on the off chance that some industrious kid wants to come in and speak English to me, I'll be here. Since neither of these things really happen, I have to find other things to do. The Koreans have a system called "look busy" when they have nothing to do. I, however, have adopted the "screw it" system instead and read or listen to music or Facebook chat with other bored teachers.
This goes on for the better part of the afternoon, sprinkled with potty or snack breaks. At 4:30 I dart home just to realize that my apartment is a lot crappier looking when the sun is up and I really have nothing to do. Thus my evenings are a combination of
a) going out with teachers for dinner/drinks
b) going out with Koreans for dinner/drinks
c) staying in and watching "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
d) going shopping
and lately e) having all night benders because the World Cup is on and the U.S. is advancing to the next round.
This is a massively long post and I am proud of you if you actually read this far. Not that your life is enriched any more by doing so, but hey, I'll bake you a cookie and throw it as hard as I can in your direction and hope it reaches your mouth.
Sounds like you have some pretty interesting days. Its been forever and I hope all's well with you. So you know, I recently got back from the World Cup, it was pretty awesome. Anyhow, now you need to make me a cookie and throw it in my direction, I prefer chocholate chip.
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