A Letter To Our Consumers

Dear Americans,

When you travel abroad, from time to time you will meet the occasional international traveler who readily admits that he or she "doesn't like Americans." Instead of getting angry, politely remind them that that is no different than saying "I don't like blacks," "I don't like Jews," or "I don't like gay people." Ask them their reasons. Usually, they will state, "Americans are loud and ignorant." Ask them, are Americans ignorant like the kind of ignorant that is disliking a person based on where they are from? You can go so far as to ask them if they've ever visited America. 99% of the time, they'll say, "No, I have no desire to go." You can consider the conversation over at that point, as they are unswayable bigots.

You may get tired of having to justify yourself for being American. Don't give in and claim Canadian citizenship. That would be doing your country a disservice. Stick to your guns and know that you're a better person for not judging someone based on their nationality. What your government does has no basis on your personality and who you are. Your accent does not determine your IQ, and chances are you are not the loud, fat, uncontrollable drunk that your reputation precedes you as. Finally, there are enough worldly, open people you will meet who like Americans just as much as everyone else. Some even like us more because they say we're not stuck up (unlike aforementioned unswayable bigots) and boatloads more fun (they may even use the word "smashing" in their description of us). Words of advice.

Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Steve

Dear American Haters,

So, you don't like Americans? Tell me, how many Americans have you known on more than a cursory level? 3? So, for every one of those loud, fat, ignorant ones you knew, there were probably 10 quiet, polite ones that you didn't even notice. How many times have you wrongfully assumed that a Canadian was an American because they were loud and obnoxious? Whatever first world country you're from, I can guarantee that I've met 3 of your fellow countrypeople who were equally, if not more, disgusting and ignorant as the Americans you claim to know. Let's be generous and say that you've met 30 Americans and they were all loud and obnoxious, ignorant, drooling, obese, drug addled cesspools of STDs and drama. Essentially they were all Snookies. That's still .0000001% of the U.S. population. Do you think doctors come to blanketed conclusions based on .0000001% of the data they collect? "Well, Jim, it looks like one of your mitochondria are acting strange, so I'm going to assume that you're mentally retarded and suggest a lobotomy to fix you right up."

Oh, that's right. It's cool to dislike Americans in the international community. You can sit around the campfire on a Thai beach drinking beer all night with everyone else and bash us on how stupid we all are and how we don't speak the Queen's English and aren't part of the Commonwealth. We bomb Islamic countries and get our fingers into everyone else's business internationally and we're proud of it, damn it. It's like some hybrid car owners. You're smug and superior if you dislike Americans. What an ego stroke, eh? If I judged people based on what their government does, regardless of where they're from, I'd have absolutely no friends and hate life. Surely, every single American went down to the White House and personally shook George Bush's hand on invading Iraq and gave him $10 to keep the good work up. Are you really that obtuse?

Oh, you've got one more card to pull. Wait for it. "Americans don't travel." I am clearly case in point, having traveled. Let's take a look the geographical size of Europe vs. that of the U.S. Surprisingly, the size is relatively similar. So, let's go ahead and assume the EU is now one country. On top of it, let's put a 5,000 mile wide ocean between Europe and Asia. Now how many countries have you been to? Many Americans don't leave the U.S. because the U.S. is huge and somewhat isolated. There are 50 states with 50 different feelings. It's like containing 50 countries in one. They all have their own laws and their own governments. In addition, our visa policies make it more expensive to travel than you (again, not my fault, but my government's). It costs you, what, $40 to go to China, whereas it costs me closer to $200. Let's not even get into differences in work ethic expectations and economies. There's only about a billion things you're glossing over to reach that smug conclusion.

If there's one thing that I want you to get from this letter, American hater, is that you are a blight. If you can fall asleep at night making seriously flawed, blanketed statements about a group of people, then you have no place in an increasingly globalized world. Go home and don't reproduce.

Sincerely,
Steve