World Class Flaneur

Thanksgiving

2011-12-01T12:06:00.001+09:00

A few phone pics from Thanksgiving come a little late ya know. Quite a little party we had...is that soju jungle juice? Dayamn son.

Warning: This Sad Tale Is Not Safe For Children

2011-11-28T13:04:00.001+09:00

You'd like to think, hey, it's been a couple of weeks. I bet Steve has an exciting story to tell us about his worldly travels. And, you'd be half correct. I do have a story, but it's not mine and it has nothing to do with worldly travels...or does it?

You may have noticed that there was a YouTube video (perhaps part of the video box is cut off depending on your browser/computer/OS/attitude) located directly above my free poetry. This is a song the students listened to today in my 6th grade class. Watch it first and let me tell you why this is a bad video unfit for childrens' eyes. I'll wait. It's only 1:06. You can handle it.

Are you done? Ok, so, yes, the lyrics (I always considered lyrics to contain some semblence of coherent word choice)are atrocious. That's beside the point. The point is that, in the spand of 30 seconds, this song manages to weave a sad tale of love and deceit that no one should ever experience.

First, imagine, as a mother, you're with your daughter at an amusement park. For all my Virginia peeps, let's say you're at Busch Gardens. You're rocking out, maybe you're in the Germany section, waiting in line for your sixth beer. Your daughter has racked up a few toys and things that cost money you so lovingly spent. You realize the time, that the new season of Survivor starts tonight and you need to get home pretty quickly (does that show even come on anymore?).
     "Nami, (your bastard ex-husband insisted on that traditional Korean name, eventhough he's never even been to Korea and only dated a Korean girl once for a month in college) come here. It's time to go home."
     You realize that your daughter has more of her indignant father's personality in her than yours when she snaps back, "What time is it?"
     You suppress a tear from the memories and say in a motherly tone, "Four forty. It's four forty."
     You barely finish pronouncing the final "ee" syllable when your whole universe unravels before your very eyes.
     "Not now! No way!" she screams and immediately runs off.
     You feel like you're dreaming...or too drunk to function when you find yourself slurring, "Come back!" instead of chasing after her as any decent mother would do. Your limbs don't work, and all you can do is watch awestruck.
     As you follow her with your eyes, you lose her as three fat yokels choking on a Reese's Pieces Ice-Cream Blast coupled with a strawberry syrupped Belgian waffle block your view of your only child, the reason you survived the divorce, your sun and your stars. Your heart sinks.
     After three eternities of hopelessness, after you were pretty sure she was halfway to Cairo by now, you see her, but she's not looking where she's going. Her attention was caught by either the Ice-Cream Blast or the waffle, you don't know, but she's headed for inevitable danger and you can't stop from blurting, "Watch out!" just as she turns to see where she's going.
     The adrenaline and the fear turn everything to a blur, but you can make out your daughter, stopping just before her face was deep fried in a food stand fryer. She was literally centimeters away from having a face filet for dinner and she doesn't even realize what she's done. She's single-handedly destroyed a build up of trust that was a lifetime in the making. You only took her off her leash three months ago. How could she be so brash and impulsive? Would she ever wrap her head around why you will eventually stop going outside, why the TV says only scary things, and why you associate her with the feeling of lies and deceit your cheating husband caringly cultivated from mere seedlings years ago? Can she even grasp it? Probably not but suddenly you haven't had enough to drink.

This is the story I was forced to teach my 6th graders today. A story that probably would have melted my students' faces as well but, like Nami, they were too naive to realize the danger they were in. We had opened the Ark of the Covenant together, only my students managed to close their eyes before their souls were taken (or maybe they were asleep).

Before, I was reluctant to say that Korean English education needed reform, but now...

iPhone App Commence!

2011-11-09T16:09:00.001+09:00

Hey errybody! I just figured out how to post from my phone! Although if I do this it will be more for pictures...like the one posted...

Whassat? Whasher A-Whay!

2011-11-08T14:24:00.000+09:00

What's it been, like a month? Psh, whatever. Am I here to tell you about my Halloween excursion to Busan (wherein a friend and I went as Hall and Oates)? No. Am I here to tell you about the Busan Fireworks Festival (still the greatest fireworks show I've ever seen)? Nah. What about my trip to Gyeongju, wherein I experienced a series of interesting events concerning Korean culture (like a Korean band full of traditional instruments covering Beatles songs)? Not even close.

I'm back in action to tell you that Mr. Lee struck again. I suppose this story requires some background. Here, listen to this while you read:

It'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside whilst I weave a tale. So for the entire time I"ve been here, my washer has been broken. I've mentioned it on this blog before. At first, I thought I was doing something wrong. Barely able to read Korean, I thought there must be some magic button I should push to fix everything that was going wrong whenever I did laundry. I eventually had my co-teacher come to my apartment and explain to me how to do laundry like a special needs third grader. I thought the problem was fixed. That was certainly not the case. It wouldn't spin, instead opting to make a loud grunting sound as though to say, "Hey, I'm tryin' but I just ate sixteen chalupas from Taco Bell and I ain't movin' cause I can't get up from my Lazy Boy. Plus the game's on, how you gonna do that to a brotha?" I knew it was time to say something.

Unfortunately for me, I mentioned my problem after the 30 day grace period stipulated on my contract. After day 30 of living in my domicile, whatever went wrong with furniture, appliances, or infrastructure was my problem. This was reinforced by my co-teacher who was apologetic, but basically restated the contract and said I'd have to fix my washing machine if I wanted it to work. Well, I wasn't going to spend money on a washing machine in some weird Asian country, so for the next year and eight months I washed my clothes in a broken machine, pretending it got them clean.

The actual results varied. All my white shirts have faded to some dull gray, sometimes the smells of my clothes was a little funny (works great when talking to women), sometimes mystery stains that weren't present when I put the article into the washing machine appeared, and it couldn't even entertain the thought of washing bedsheets. I couldn't wait to go on vacation so that I could use a real washing machine and a dryer so my clothes would at least be clean twice a year.

"You're an idiot, Steve," you might say (and rightfully so), "why not just go to a laundromat or dry cleaner to take care of your dirty work?" Good question, and I like your use of puns. Well, laundromats don't exist here as far as I know, and I...have this strange phobia of a certain style of Korean shops. The dry cleaner by my apartment was such a shop. You step into someone's living quarters that doubles as their shop; a one or two room shack, if you will. You'll interrupt them eating, sleeping, watching TV, and the living conditions leave something to be desired and you're surprised that something this third world still exists in Korea and you feel guilty about simply being American. So, besides partially doubting the ability of said dry cleaner to make my clothes clean in questionable conditions, I developed an irrational fear of the establishment itself.

Is the song over yet? If it is, play this one, damn you. It's magical and I'm a moodsmith.

Ahem, fast forward to about two weeks ago. I casually mention to my co-teacher how my washing machine is broken in the context of a conversation (not expecting anything to come of it, more explaining why I smell like rotten vegetables every day instead of a snuggle bear). We go through the whole shabang, "Why didn't you say something about it before?" "I did about a year and a half ago." Blah blah blah.

This time, the reception was different. They asked the vice principal and he said the school would pay to get it fixed. I guess holding a bit of tenure carries some weight (oohhhhh, I get the song choice now...but what's that first one about?). I was walking on sunshine. The next step was to call the Daewoo Service Center and get someone to take a look see at me washer. That involved me pulling some Catherine Zeta-Jones stunts from the movie Entrapment (co-starring Sean Connery) and getting in behind my washing machine to read the faded number off the back panel. Flash fast forward to Monday (yesterday) when Daewoo Dude finally shows up to my apartment wherein I am patiently waiting with my coteacher. He takes one look at my machine and says what I can only assume is the equivalent of, "Sumbitch got a brokin gear. Gon' costya hundert n' thirty, easy." (Why do all repairmen have this accent? God only knows...) "Futhamore," he adds, "Ya owe me fifteen bucks fer the consultation visit." Guess what we paid?

ZERO. BAM! Enter Mr. Lee who doesn't like service technicians getting all up in his property without his prior knowledge/consent (for those of you absent from previous adventures of the World Class Flaneur, Mr. Lee is my landlord. Very kind, Christian man who possesses no English and equally as much tact). He says a bunch of stuff, Daewoo Dude says a bunch of stuff, my coteacher says a bunch of stuff and it goes on like this for five minutes. Then everyone leaves, myself last.

"What happened?" I ask, innocently. "Your landlord will change your washer." "Mr. Lee strikes again," I whisper....

Microscopic fast forward to when I get home at 4:45. Things are slightly out of place and I guessed Mr. Lee had been doing some work in there. I walk to the bathroom and, lo and behold, not only do I have a washer that is clearly an upgrade, Mr. Lee also cleaned my entire bathroom. Now, I admit, it was getting a little nasty in there. Mold had been creeping up and spiders had made my bathroom their nesting den of Satan. Even still, cleaning my entire bathroom was well above and beyond a landlord's call of duty. Especially since I was totallyplanningondoingit before I moved out.

The...I'm going to go with...funniest part? He used my painting rag to clean it. My painting rag with all the dried paint on it (and some wet paint) that was being used for my painting. Now it's all wet...

But, I certainly can't complain and completely should thank him and take him out to dinner or something. No telling how many questionable hairs he found in there.

Bucket List: Shortened

2011-10-20T14:11:00.000+09:00

There comes a time in everyone's life here in Korea where they reach a fork in the road. This fork is glittery and flashy. Sometimes it is diamond studded and you would cut your teeth if you tried to use the fork for its intended purpose. Nonetheless, this fork has two routes by which one may continue his journey. One is the route of the purist, the cynic. You begin to wear your iPod more frequently when in public. You avoid certain establishments because of their music choice. You don't turn on your TV in fear that your ears will be tainted with the demonic tones of K-pop. The other is to embrace the catchiness and popularity of K-pop music. To let it envelop you, feeling your body lose control to the beat and those catchy choruses. Eventually, you begin to recognize artists and even start to discern which ones you like more than others. You may even know individual members' names.

I, of course, took the more fun route--the latter. For the past year or so, I've just accepted that K-pop will never go away (even now, Girls' Generation, the leading K-pop band, has completed an English album that will soon go on sale in the U.S.) and have learned to enjoy it for what it is: ear candy. The bonus is that it doesn't make you fat, just stupid.

As such, I jumped at the opportunity when my employer emailed me about free tickets to the Asian Song Festival. "What's Asian Song Festival, Steve?" I hear you ask in a voice resembling the Swedish Chef. It's exactly what it sounds like: a festival to celebrate Asian songs. Note how the word "music" is strategically missing from the festival name. It is exactly how it should be. We are celebrating songs, not music. These are produced, polished dance routines that are lip synced exactly the same every time. If you've ever seen the likes of New Kids On The Block, Backstreet Boys, or even Menudo, you'll know what kind of experience this was. Where the "Asian" part comes in is where they included pop acts from Japan, China, Taiwan, Thailand, and Hong Kong. I was hoping a North Korean pop star would show up, but I realized that he or she would have been shot already.

When the day finally came, I geared up for it by drinking. It made the time go by faster, and when the moment was upon us (they started it 20 minutes early) I could hardly control myself. That last statement would only be true if I were the thousands of teenage girls in the crowd.

It's funny because all the serious fans were sitting here:

In the back. Whilst in my section (the VIP section), there sat only foreigner English teachers and older people with babies. What this resulted in was the back seats erupting into a wave of screaming while the closest rows didn't even clap. Strange concert experience, Korea. Here's some poorly composed pictures from my iPhone:

Anyway, I got to experience the musical stylings of Korean favorites such as Miss A, Beast, Lee Sung gi, Chocolat, and one strange act, my favorite of the night, that didn't really fit the bill: LeeSA. LeeSA actually plays multiple instruments and has a good voice. I always warm up a little for a girl who can sing and play guitar. Here's one of her songs:

After a Japanese pop band's performance (which, by the way, sounds like Korean pop on acid), it slowly began to rain. Sitting in the open of the stadium field, we were unprepared for rain to be unleashed upon us unawares, so we sought shelter under the entrances to the stadium. After a rain delay of about 15 minutes, the drizzle let up and the concert resumed. For us, however, the magic had seemingly been washed away by the falling water and we were no longer interested in the same act performing under different monikers. We left without seeing the headliners: Samsung's proudest musical acts Super Junior and Girls' Generation.

I still consider it a check off the Korean bucket list.

Okpo...More like Borophyl

2011-10-05T15:42:00.001+09:00

Geoje Island (the largest island in Korea) is somewhat of an anomaly. It is beautiful and looks very Korean. It has thousands of Koreans living on it. However, it's practically like being in a different, much less homogenous country. There are a few reasons for this. First, which is mostly conveyed visually but does have a story, is Okpo Land. Okpo Land was an amusement park that operated in the 90s. The story goes that more than one person died on the rides. The final one, in 1999, was a girl who fell off the birdie kid ride (pictured later). Her family received no compensation, no apology, and the park shut down immediately and the owner vanished.

As he didn't have time to sell off the rides, they just stayed there in the same condition they were in the day the park closed down. Since then, nature has since reclaimed most of it. Because of its ease of access and the non-confrontational attitude of most Koreans, it has become somewhat of a cult tourist site for the intrepid urban explorer. You can find several internet pages devoted to it and a myriad of pictures of the various rusting attractions. Here are more:

The open gate (notice the razor wire that serves no purpose).

Rides and the like.

The straw that broke the camel's back, asitwere.

This place was Scooby Doo creepy. And, family, I'm not going to lie, it was also dangerous. Rusting things on the top of a mountain with minimal precautions are not the smartest things to be climbing all over but, as you can tell, the pictures are worth it. What a gem. To spoil the fun a bit, according to Wikipedia, Okpo Land lies in its abandoned state because the land has been zoned for environmentally low-impact projects. I think we can both agree that the first story is much better.

Now for the other reason why Geoje Island is a world far removed from the rest of Korea. Okpo is also home to one of the largest shipyards in the world: The Daewoo Shipbuilding and Marine Engineering (DSME) shipyard.

As such, Okpo has a large revolving international population. This creates a strange atmosphere in such a homogenous society. On one hand, we were able to have authentic Thai food from a restaurant run by Thai people. We could have also chosen from Pakistani, Vietnamese, Turkish or Indian food. This is something rarely accomplished outside of Seoul.

On the other hand, there are literally dozens of "Foreigner Clubs" littered around the downtown area. What is a foreigner club? Well, essentially, this is an establishment wherein overweight, middle aged white guys pay to keep the company (in whatever sense of the word) of imported Filipino women. I swear it's a coincidence that my travels of late seem to contain a lot of prostitutes. It was very much like Southeast Asia and both revolting and entertaining to watch, and I suppose you can't have an international population in Asia without Filipino prostitutes.

Despite seeing maybe two Korean people the entire night, we still had a good time and met some pleasant young men from Angola who, according to them, make seven thousand dollars a month. As of next week, I will be moving to Okpo to get a job at the shipyard.

Oh, Japan. That's So Raven.

2011-09-19T14:20:00.000+09:00

So I think I mentioned something about going to Osaka as well. Well, anyway, I went to Osaka in addition to Kyoto. In fact, Osaka was the bread and Kyoto was the meat AND cheese in this Japan sandwich. Nara was the mayonnaise because I stopped in the train station there and saw parts of buildings from the platform I was on.

As one bartender delicately put it when we talked about how we'd only seen Osaka at night up to that point, "What else is there? During the day it's just a bunch of buildings." Thus, I present to you...A BUNCH OF BUILDINGS!

Oh, and here's more buildings at night. With a river between them.

Here's the Yoshinoya where we had our first meal.

This area featured in all the night shots is Shinsaibashi. If you go here, you will never see so many prostitutes in your life again, I'm sure of it. Not scantily clad, smoking, broken, drug addled prostitutes, no. Many of them look like they just got home from class. Then again, many of them look like they just got home from an anime convention or from their nursing job. The other strange thing was that they didn't target foreigners. They ignored me and my friends for the lone Japanese businessmen walking by. A welcome slip into anonymity, but still very different from the rest of the Asia I've seen. Certainly made for good people watching in that kind of environment.

As you can tell by the above photographs, we did eventually see Osaka during the day and, although it seemed a bit like a giant conglomerate of bland buildings, we found the top tourist attraction in Osaka: Osaka Castle.

Osaka Castle was originally built in 1585, but after being burnt by lightning, burnt by protests, and destroyed by World War II bomb raids, it wasn't really (re)built until 1995. Nonetheless, it is an important historical site and one of the most famous castles in Japan. Certainly more splendid and important than Nijo in Kyoto.

Unfortunately, instead of opting for a realistic restoration, they opted for a modernization approach. They installed air conditioning ducts (pictured) and gutted the whole building. Inside is completely modern and is devoted to hologram shows and period piece displays. Still, it was neat to be there and the top floor is an observation deck that allowed the views seen in the above pictures.

As a majority of our time was spent in Kyoto, Osaka was left mostly undiscovered with only enough time for one day adventure. I would like to come back to this area at some time, to explore more of Osaka, see more of the neighboring cities, and to revisit Kyoto and see the myriad of temples and shrines and pagodas that we didn't have time to see on this trip. Japan is enchanting, for sure, and an entirely different entity than Korea.

Look What I Did Last Weekend!

2011-09-16T14:27:00.000+09:00

I'm gonna break this up not into chronological order, but by location. I'll start with what comprised the bulk of the trip: Kyoto (what? Did I mention that I went to Japan on here? No? Well...sorry, broski. I went to Japan this past weekend as part of a five day holiday).

We spent our first night and last night in Osaka, which I will cover in a subsequent post. Let's get to the meat and potatoes.

Meat:

I want you to take a look at the main course of the greatest meal I've ever eaten.

Boom. This is beef that knocked me off my feet. It had the consistency of beef flavored butter. No resistance when biting down on it. Here's the man who cooked it:

He's in his 80s and probably fought against my country. He told us, "I don't speak English, I speak fucking American." Also, when we mentioned Kobe beef, he said, "Fuck Kobe. Mine's better." What I learned prior to this meal is that "Kobe beef" is beef from Kobe. The beef that everyone covets so much is wagyu, which is Japanese breed of cattle predisposed for high marbling and unsaturated fat. Also, "Sailor Joe" as he is henceforth named, dropped the F-bomb a lot. When he cut it (pictured above) he was deliberate and slow, but the beef resisted none. Other things that made the meal memorable:

His stories, told to us while we ate
The seven other courses (including salad, steak fries, and a bunch of Japanese stuff that was all tasty)
The unlimited free sake (or Zaky, as the bottle mentions) which added to the mood
The kicker: being served oranges and iced tea from a Japanese television star. Yeah, apparently this guy just strolls into this restaurant every Sunday, sits around peeling oranges, talking to people who show up for the $90 meals. Also, he owns a coffee shop nearby.

Also, look at this sushi on a conveyer belt:

And ramen:

Everything was delicious on this trip!

Potatoes:

*Disclaimer: You may recognize some of the following tourist sites from your wildest dreams*

So, our first stop was the Imperial Palace, which is basically a false advertisement. There's a palace, but it's not open to viewing unless you jump through hoops we didn't know we had to jump through, and so basically you walk around this massive park surrounding it in the blistering sun. Therefore, I didn't post any lackluster pictures for you to view.

Our first real stop was at Nijo Castle...which is kind of redundant because -jo means castle, so it's really Ni Castle Castle. Anyway, it also was a huge false advertisement, but not insomuch that you couldn't view it. It was really a palace surrounded by a moat and walls, which still makes it a palace to me, but then again I'm not on the UNESCO Board of Assholes. It looks like this:

And it here's what apparently makes it a castle:

Since we had rented bikes for the day, we cruised around town to a couple of non-noteworthy stops and finally went to the place I wanted to visit: The Temple of the Golden Pavilion.

Kinkaku-ji is world famous...or that's what the world tells me I should think. It dates from the late 1300s, and is, as the name implies, all golden. I hear it looks pretty stunning in the winter, when all the snow has fallen and the pond iced over and the children are half skating on it and half falling through to their watery deaths.

You know what sucks though? Pachenko.

That is seriously some bull right there. It's all in Japanese, so I don't know how to play it, but of course I did anyway. Thirteen bucks gone. Just gone. I have no idea where it went or who it went to, but it's gone forever. Oh, "Sailor Joe" told us that 80% of Pachenko places are owned by Koreans. Those wily Koreans looooooove to gamble. That's why it's illegal for them to gamble in Korea. Anyway, I guess that $13 is going back to the peninsula.

The next day, we hit up the tallest pagoda in Japan:

As well as that crazy shrine with all the torii leading up a mountain:

Let's talk about Kyoto. With a population of roughly 1.5 million, Kyoto is by no means an "ancient" city like Angkor Wat or Pompeii. It is still living and thriving with a subway, railway, and thousands of cars on the roads every day. I guess that should be easily apparent, but whenever I hear a description of Kyoto, it's always "the ancient capital" as though it's decaying in a jungle. I imagined Kyoto to be more like Gyeongju in Korea, a smaller town of maybe 30,000 people whose economy is propped up by tourism. Well, this ain't Korea.

The streets are laid out in a grid, making it easy to tell which direction you're going. As it is bisected by a river walk, Kyoto has two distinct areas. The larger, normal Kyoto, and then the smaller traditional district on the East side. This is where the Geishas reside and the more traditional food and architecture are (also where "Sailor Joe" pimps his steak out).

Although it is bustling and alive, Kyoto is a pleasant city to walk or bike, as there are hidden gems all littered all over, as though a giant, temple pooping cat used Kyoto as his litter box for a thousand years and nobody changed it for him. This is starkly different from Osaka, who would probably think a giant temple pooping cat was Godzilla and kill it before it could poop any temples. More to come...

Phnom Penh: Killing Fields, The

2011-08-31T13:13:00.018+09:00

*Disclaimer: Extreme content ahead...입니다.*

If Siem Reap was beauty, then Phnom Penh was emotion. We took an overnight bus from Siem Reap to Phnom Penh and arrived in the early morning before anything was really open...except for what we wanted to see, which apparently opened at 5:30 AM. We rented a tuktuk for the day (from a guy not nearly as cool as Homeboy) and headed through Phnom Penh to our first destination.

Driving through the two cities offered a slightly different experience. Phnom Penh was obviously bigger, being the capital and largest city in Cambodia. The amount of tuktuks and scooters stayed constant, but things were more urban in general and there was wealth present in certain areas. We saw a Lamborghini and a Bentley driving nonchalantly down the street.

Our first stop was Tuol Sleng Prison, or S-21. For those who need the history lesson: On April 17th, 1975, after a seven year civil war, the ultra-Communist Khmer Rouge captured Phnom Penh and solidified their control over Cambodia. They renamed the country Democratic Kampuchea and forced everyone to evacuate the cities for a new era of agrarianism. Year Zero. They abolished hospitals, schools, books, even currency, and forced everyone to work on collective farms as equals. Those who were thought to be intellectuals (identified by things as arbitrary as wearing glasses) were murdered. Members and supporters of the former government were murdered. Non-Cambodian ethnic groups were murdered. Those who for some reason or another had "pre-revolution nostalgia" were murdered. Anyone who could not produce adequate agricultural skills were murdered. They eventually turned on their own and murdered high ranking Khmer Rouge officials. Nobody was safe. Even if they couldn't find a reason to murder, they tortured until the person confessed a crime and named some friends or family members who would then be subsequently arrested.
One of the places in which they were tortured and murdered was Tuol Sleng. After Phnom Penh was evacuated and schools abolished, this high school was turned into a prison/torture center. 17,000 people passed through its gates. Only seven survived. When the Vietnamese invaded and overthrew the Khmer Rouge in 1979, they found Tuol Sleng with 14 bodies quickly killed on the torture tables by the fleeing enemy. The next year, they opened up Tuol Sleng as a museum and kept it very similar to how it looked when they found it. There were even still blood stains on the floor.To say it was powerful would be an understatement. Walking into a room with a bed frame and a picture above it depicting the dead person the Vietnamese found in that very same room, in that very same bed frame was definitely moving. It's hard to describe everything one sees there. The tiny cells. The torture devices. The chains. The bloodstains. The thousands of pictures of victims who passed through the prison's gates, never to be seen or heard from again. Some were children under five. Tortured and murdered all the same. There were rooms full of these photographs.It took less than a year for the grounds surrounding Tuol Sleng to fill up with bodies, so the Khmer Rouge began shipping prisoners out to places like Choeung Ek (our next stop) to be disposed of. Once a Chinese cemetery, the Khmer Rouge turned Choeung Ek into a killing field and mass grave site. After prisoners signed a confession or named the required names of other traitors, they were put in a truck and hauled out to the fields with about 20 or 30 other people, where they were led to a pit and struck with a pick ax or a hoe or any other lethal farm equipment that could kill while saving bullets. Children who were small enough were taken by the legs and swung headfirst into a tree. The specific tree was labeled as we strolled around.

In the center is a memorial to the thousands of bodies they found at Choeung Ek housing the bones of exhumed victims. It's rather startling as the bones are exposed for viewers. Also, while walking around, signs inform you that when it rains they still find things in the soil and don't be surprised if you do too. It's hard to ignore rags half buried in the dirt or more than one random tooth on the ground.

But, with that our depressing tour of Cambodian history was over. We were left with the rest of the day to enjoy more cheery sites like the Cambodian Royal Palace:

Modeled after the Thai Royal Palace.

The Silver Pagoda:

Apparently bird paradise.

The Vietnam/Cambodia Friendship Monument:The Independence Monument:

As featured on their currency!

The Central Market:
The North Korean Embassy:

No, we didn't get to go into the North Korean Embassy, but they did have some funny propaganda on the outside of it--in English.

The Riverfront:

(picture not included)

The Riverfront was charming enough, with that same French style architecture so prominent in Siem Reap. Although instead of $.50 beers like in Siem Reap, the cheapest we could find was $.60 beers (God! Everything is so marked up in the big city!).

Perhaps it was the dust entering through my eyes, nose, and mouth and subsequently clouding my brain, but Phnom Penh had a separate charm than Siem Reap. I didn't want to leave the prices, the currency, the tuktuks, the people, the haggling, the architecture, the atmosphere, the food...

Both Thailand and Cambodia are places I'd visit again, but I'd switch it around and spend more time in Cambodia than Thailand in the future. Cambodia has beach resorts, too...

Siem Reap: Tomb Raidin'

2011-08-30T13:02:00.017+09:00

I'm not sure if I was fully prepared for Cambodia. Or, I was prepared for something a little different. To be frank, Cambodia was the better part of the trip. Bangkok was a semi-first world metropolis, Ko Phi Phi was a tropical resort island. Cambodia was what I expected Thailand to be more like before the trip started. The second land border I've ever crossed, it was plain to see the difference in economy immediately. We crossed in the morning, paddling upstream against a sea of people crossing into Thailand to go to work. Surely the conditions were better and the pay was higher in Thailand.

The three hour drive to Siem Reap from the border was equally eye opening. We passed through one small town between our start and end point, otherwise it was all country, littered with occasional houses and random shops. I was the only one (besides our driver) who stayed awake for the journey, and I was rewarded with a glimpse of real Cambodia. I will never again see so many naked Cambodian children playing carelessly. I tried to imagine living in a house like that. One room, no electricity, open to the elements, perhaps just a hammock or a cot to sleep on, and only a scooter for transportation. The more I thought I could somehow do it, the more I thought about how my humble home would need a flat screen TV and a PS3. Plenty of beer. Imported wine. With that, the thought that I could manage in a life like this vanished when my first world needs came back to me.

Siem Reap was more charming than any part of Thailand I visited (not to say that parts of Thailand aren't charming. Just not the parts I visited). I think this was because of the French influence on architecture and the general feel of the city. Like a lawless version of New Orleans, I honestly felt like I was in an old Western much of the time. Dirt roads, (motorized) horses and carriages, and second or third floor railings. It was just what I wanted. It also helped that our tuktuk driver, nicknamed Homeboy, was honest and nice. It was strange how a tourist city built on Angkor's back could feel so genuine.

I had looked forward to seeing Angkor Wat for years. It had been on my "bucket list" so to speak, and it seemed to have a time limit. As popularity for the site grows, it will surely lose part of its appeal and cleanliness (a-la Thailand...). I can't stress how large the Angkor Park complex is. At one time, Angkor was the size of modern day Los Angeles, making it by far the largest pre-Industrial Era city by landmass in history. Today, there are still over a thousand identified temples and structures.

Some highlights:Of course, Angkor Wat, the largest religious building in the world and the most recognized temple among the Angkor ruins (naturally undergoing renovations when I get to see it).
Ta Phrom. This one is interesting because it is the only temple on the main circle of temples that is maintained like the other temples used to be before the French restored them: covered in jungle. It's actually a delicate balance because UNESCO wants to keep it meshed with jungle, yet doesn't want the jungle to overtake the structures to the point of destroying their integrity. Thus, there is usually some renovation construction going on here. Also, this temple is the place where part of the movie Tomb Raider was filmed, and also the reason why Angelina Jolie adopted a Cambodian baby. I probably would too, if I were rich. They're so cute.
Bayon in Angkor Thom. This structure was the most visually stunning and the one with the most incredible story. When the French discovered Angkor, they made a point to put the rubble back together as much as they could so that they would resemble temples more than piles of rock. In the case of Bayon, it was in such disrepair that they had to disassemble the entire structure brick by brick. As they did so, they drew a picture of every single brick and laid them out in the surrounding field. When they finished that part (taking years, of course) the Imperialist Japanese were expanding their reach to SE Asia and the French conservationists couldn't continue their work safely. Of course, after World War II, a civil war took place with the Khmer Rouge eventually rising to power. With an extreme ideology, the Khmer Rouge sought to destroy all records of the past, including all the pictures that the French had drawn of every brick at Bayon. When work at Angkor continued in the 80s after the Khmer Rouge fell, they had no record of what the temple looked like and thousands of bricks to put back together. Amazingly, they did it like the most complex jigsaw puzzle you've ever seen. I'd hate to be the guy in charge of that project.

We saw other temples and complexes while in Angkor, but for some reason BLOGGER is not letting me upload any more pictures. Perhaps I exhausted my space limit somehow. It's kind of making me angry. As such, we will change pace a bit and talk about how we rented a boat to take us around a floating village and a floating forest.

The interesting thing about these floating things is the water they are in: the Tonle Sap. The largest freshwater lake in SE Asia, the Tonle Sap varies from 2,700 sq. km in the dry season to a whopping 16,000 sq. km in the wet, changing the flow of the Tonle Sap river. As there is such a difference, nearby inhabitants (human, animal, and plant alike) need to adapt. As such, villages were built on high stilts. In the dry season, they are on land and cars and scooters are the mode of transportation, but in the wet season, the waters swell and the only way out of your house is by boat. It's really interesting. The plant life, too, must adapt to being flooded for several months out of the year.
Cambodia is mostly flat, providing views that would be impossible in many places in the world. I wish I had gotten a picture of this, but one of the most beautiful weather scenes I've ever seen took place on this boat. Threatening rain, the gray cloud cover above was absolute. However, in the distance you could see a distinct curtain falling across the sky indicating where the rainfall began. I could see the rain literally miles away from where it was raining. It was gorgeous and my description of it does it no justice (but neither would a picture). It was interesting to see exactly when it would start raining, as the curtain slowly approached us.

Siem Reap was actually pretty magical. I wondered if Phnom Penh would have the same type of charm and appeal. Siem Reap would be tough to top and I honestly didn't want to leave.

Ko Phi Phi: Right By Da Beach

2011-08-24T09:31:00.006+09:00

Ko Phi Phi Don is a small dumbbell shaped island located two hours East of Phuket (by ferry) in the Andaman Sea, a small Thai part of the Indian Ocean. Yes, I can now say I've swam in the Indian Ocean.

This was to be our relaxing beach portion of the trip, and mostly it was, except that it would soon destroy me.

Our hotel was located on the slope of the eastern dumbbell overlooking the northern beach. Our hotel was clean, friendly, and very fairly priced. However, that was partly offset by the 12049504308 steps one had to climb to reach it (remember, it's on the slope of a hill, which means climbing). In fact, it was part of the evacuation route in the case of a tsunami (a reactive measure from the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami that wiped out the entire island [yeah, remember that one? Killed 230,000 people? Big humanitarian aid thing afterward? You're hopeless.]).

The whole island would be pretty charming...if it weren't so dirty. It seems from what I've heard that prices have tripled in the past 5 years and the beach has become littered with beer bottles and cigarette butts. It's really an unfortunate side effect of tourism that our "environmental tax fee" we had to pay to enter the island doesn't seem to be combating.

Still, the scenery was beautiful, the people friendly, the party scene lively, and they had addicting banana shakes just as Borocay in the Philippines did.

On our second full day, we rented a boat and did the all day tour of the surrounding islands and snorkel spots. Highlights: Ko Phi Phi Lei, the location where they shot The Beach:

oh my GODLEONARDODICAPRIOHASSTOODWHEREISTOOD!!!

a beach full of monkeys:

You can kind of see some little monkeys over there.

biting fish:
and some scenery:Unfortunately, this was also the day that I would acquire an infected toe, the result of smashing it on a shallow coral reef whilst swimming.

There's the bastard. Look at his guilty face.

Not to mention the nasty, nasty sunburn I got from the equatorial sun. For the rest of the island trip, I couldn't go in the water, had to take antibiotics and couldn't drink, and couldn't take my shirt off because it hurt whenever I did. Everything an island trip should be was stolen from me! At least I got to see the watery things before I was injured.

Still, Ko Phi Phi Don was an experience I'll always remember with friends I'll never forget. A relaxing lull in the hectic sightseeing that bookended the vacation.

Bangkok: Dangerous?

2011-08-23T08:42:00.004+09:00

This page is not about Nicolas Cage. Don't you worry about that. This page is about my vacation, rather part of it, and will be handled as tastefully and succinctly as Nicolas Cage's acting career. I apologize in advance.

We touched down in Bangkok in the early evening, navigating the sprawling airport through customs and baggage claim, exchanging or withdrawing Thai Baht, and finding our Thai friend who would play our host and tour guide for the next three days before she departed for a Sri Lankan wedding.

The first thing I noticed was that Bangkok was more urban and first world than I had expected. Sure, it's no New York City, but it was fairly cosmopolitan compared to what I had envisioned. Our hostel was the nicest hostel I'd ever stayed in, and not unfairly priced at about $10 a person. As we had arrived rather late, we opted to go to the Patpong area (the traditional red light district [not the reason we visited]) for some late street food dinner. This is where we had our first encounter with a tuk tuk.
For those unawares, a tuk tuk is a scooter powered mode of transportation wherein a passenger cart is attached to the scooter not unlike a carriage is attached to a horse. In Bangkok, the tuk tuks were a little bit nicer and comprised of one solid chassis, as though the horse melded with the carriage.

On our first full day, we rented a minivan that could fit all nine of us uncomfortably in seven seats and drove about two hours outside of Bangkok to a floating market. At first, this floating market was sparse, yet touristy, and not unlike the canals that I floated down in Japan. Eventually, however, they opened up to a series of navigable canals and shops that locals and tourists alike enjoyed. In fact, they enjoyed it so much that at times there were traffic jams. This is also where I got my first taste of authentic Thailand Thai pad thai. And I got it from a bee keeper. Well, not literally a bee keeper, but there were a ton of bees swarming around that woman. Her pad thai was good though.

That night, after a crazy delicious suckling pig (featured in Anthony Bordain) we visited the infamous Khao San Road. Khao San Road is known internationally as the backpacker central of Bangkok. Here, you will find the most international (read: Western) flavor in the city. Usually, this flavor is young and European. It is certainly a place to see some strange things if you look carefully (llllllllllllllllllllllllllladyboyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!).

Day two consisted of a jaunt over to the Grand Palace, home of the King of Thailand. This place was, of course, majestic and full of all sorts of gold and silver and emeralds (and tourists). I recalled something that my grandfather had said when he visited Thailand. "I couldn't understand how there was this King's Palace that was filled with gold, but right outside the walls were people living in shacks everywhere." Things have surely changed since his visit, but I could then see what he meant. There were loads of vendors selling all sorts of trinkets and food just outside the palace gates, most likely earning them a pittance to live on while enough gold existed just meters away to feed everyone there for a lifetime.
Just a hop away from the Grand Palace was Wat Pho, the permanent home of the largest reclining Buddha in the wizzorld...dawg.

Spladow!

Also, it has a tree in the garden that was supposedly budded from the tree that Buddha sat under to find enlightenment. Or maybe a fourteenth generation Buddha tree.

That night we saw Muai Thai...for five hours. It was probably the best part of Bangkok. This traditional form of kickboxing is a lot more exciting than it sounds (and it sounds really exciting), especially in a dinky Bangkok arena full of bellowing Thai spectators. It was so funny to hear one side erupt in a unanimous "Hoah!" every time their boxer kicked his opponent, only to hear the other side of the arena "Hoah!" when the opponent kicked back. Many times, it was like a call and answer. Also not understood: the gambling system that took place in the upper echelons of this arena. It sounded like screaming and pointing and went on until the last round of each match.

In keeping with the tradition of trying local Thai food, on this night I sampled fried grasshopper. Yes, in case you were wondering, it tastes like chicken. Someone's got a picture of it somewhere, surely.

On our final full day, we once again rented a van (this time, large enough to fill all of us comfortably) to go to Ayutthaya, the ancient Siamese capital. This was filled with rubble and Buddhas, Buddhas, Buddhas. Even one Buddha got caught in a tree!
It was really neat and definitely belonged in some movie. Oh wait, it was in some movie. Anyone remember Mortal Kombat? Uh huh.That evening, I drunkenly and regretfully bought a pink Bob Marley shirt (obviously designed for a female in mind) in anticipation for our morning departure for Phuket.

Friendly Reminder

2011-08-05T08:56:00.005+09:00

A few reminders for my readers before I depart on vacation:

1) Do not touch the hamster. He does bite.
2) Remember to lock the door and the gate whenever entering or leaving the premises.
3) Aiding and abetting criminals is illegal.
4) A specific reminder to the CEO of South Korean chain "Paris Baguette": Please, I beg you, upon my return to the motherland, please actually stock baguettes instead of only sweet pastries and coffee. Your name is misleading.
5) For the next two weeks, the weekly Tuesday poker tournament will be canceled.
6) A specific reminder to Mr. Lee: Please be courteous and remember that you are not the only one who lives in my apartment.
7) Yes. There will be snacks.
8) If you hear a siren or a loud bell, remember to wrap your arms around your legs in a crouching position and everything will be OK no matter what.
9) No boys.
10) A specific reminder to Korea: it's OK to have a car that is a color other than black, white, or gray. You're so colorful otherwise, what's with the bland cars?

With that said, today is my final work day until leaving for Thailand and Cambodia. It will probably be an OK time, I'm guessing. See you soon! Kissezzzzzzzzzz!

It's Finally Over

2011-08-02T14:38:00.004+09:00

Yes, the biggest news I have is that I finished the Harry Potter series. All eight of those films (Psh, books!? No way, dude). Do I feel better for it? Mmm, only in that I will now get obscure references in the fanbase. That's not true. All the ladies love a guy who knows his Harry Potter. Proven fact. 100%.

To be honest, I'm not sure what this photo is trying to convey. "Two of us are attractive in make-up, while the third needs a backlight masking his facial features!"

Actually, I stand by my initial opinion that Dumbledore is unfit to be an educator. The difference is that later they try to cover it up and make it all like Dumbledore is some great teacher and mentor. What he teaches us is that we should forget about what we are supposed to be doing and do whatever the hell we want instead. He is supposed to be the headmaster of Hogwarts, but how often does he concern himself with that? How often does he instill in Harry and his friends that, yes, indeed, it is perfectly OK and perhaps rewardable behavior to break into places, use magic in the muggle world, deceive, lie, and generally disregard any rule that doesn't allow you to reach your end goal.

In fact, I don't see how everyone can see that Dumbledore is this great wizard and fit to run a school of witchcraft and wizardry for children and still uphold societal laws. Is the world of magic truly upheld by magic alone? It would have to be, as opposed to being governed by "the ministry" as it claims, or else they would have a panoply of other problems besides some asshat named Voldemort. And if it is run by magic alone, then why isn't the magic absolute? Why would they need courts or trials or judges? Why wouldn't the magic keep people from doing bad things? I mean it seems pretty complex (so complex that the author may or may not make up half the shit as she goes along).

I have some more complaints before I get to the good. 1) Hogwarts policies are ridiculous (perhaps, again, because of Dumbledore). You're telling me that Harry Potter is not allowed to go on a field trip to some faery village because he doesn't have parents to sign a permission slip yet he is allowed to compete in more than one deadly contest because a magic goblet said it was OK? Where are your priorities!? And the arbitrary favoritism is unacceptable. Why have the house of Slitherin if its just shunned and poked? You're creating bad mojo and begging everyone in Slitherin to join Voldemort.

2) I'm going to make an assumption that this is Jeri Kurl Rowling's fault and not the screen adaptation's fault, but she resorts to deus ex machina wayyyyy too much. Harry can't beat the bad guy on his own? Well, how about this magic sword turns up randomly that we'll try to explain later? No, no, that was intentional. The...uh...sword of Griffindor, it...uh...randomly presents itself to those in need. Oh, how about on top of that when an effin' phoenix flies in and plucks the monster's eyes out? Oh, what about in the next one when they went back in friggin time to solve their insurmountable conflict? I have the biggest problem with time travel as a resolution. It's such a cop out. If you can go back in time, then why don't you just go back to when the bad guy was a baby and kill them then? You can't introduce time travel after two movies/books (and then never mention it again) and expect people to take you seriously after that. Honestly...

3) The ending was sappy and unnecessary. Aspiring for The Return of the King wherein by the end of it we don't give a crap anymore?

With that said, here's the positive. Err...

1) It was entertaining enough that I could watch two movies in one day. The world of magic is alluring and Jasper Kronkite Rowling did a good job keeping up the entertainment value through seven different stories. It didn't get too tired and resort to recycling the same things over and over again. It introduced something interesting every time, especially toward the end of the series (although slightly predictable). I'm curious as to how much Joriah Kevlar Rowling made up as she went along and how much she had planned out far ahead of time.

2) Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman in the same movie is the coolest thing this side of a Pacino/De Niro team.

3) I'm struggling to come up with another...OH! Uh...special effects were well done in the latter movies. In the first couple, the CGI was a little obvious, but we as viewers become more jaded as technology improves, so that can't really be blamed on them.

Yeah, ok so the negatives got more air time than the positives and that's just my personality. Plus negativity sells, don't it? And that's really why I blog. The benjamins.

Dumb-ledore

2011-07-22T10:00:00.003+09:00

So, there's this thing called peer pressure that I tend to give into (which, according to science, is more often than not a good thing despite what we are taught in school) and I've started watching the Harry Potter movies.

After watching the first one, I can only come to one conclusion. Dumbledore is not fit to be an educator. Seriously, that was my lasting impression after watching the movie. Not, "Ooh, quiddich is so cool," or, "Wow, that was a really engrossing story. I can't wait to watch the next one!" No. Dumbledore is kind of a dick.

Kind of a dick.

We are not even going to broach the subject of how opening a school of witchcraft and wizardry is irresponsible in the first place. No, let's just skip to what has been observed in the first movie (because that's all I've watched so far). First of all, he doesn't hide how partial he is to Harry Potter. Yes, teachers and administrative staff at schools have students they like more than others, but blatantly flaunting it is unprofessional.

Secondly, he emotionally scars a quarter of the students by giving them a prize and then taking it back just so Harry Potter can have it. What kind of way to handle things is that? Yeah, so the kids in the Slitherin house are into the dark magic. You made it that way, how can you spite them for that? You are creating a panoply of enemies who will grow to resent you because you chose Harry Potter over everyone. Why is he such a prince?

All I can hope for the sake of all the muggles and the children attending the school that the second Dumbledore turns out to be a more fair headmaster, but judging from the way the first one went, I'm guessing the special treatment will be a series long theme. Sigh...

Walk With Me, Talk With Me

2011-07-11T13:15:00.002+09:00

Sometimes you read something that, before reading it, doesn’t look much like an inspiration, but after you read it, your own personal tragedy/comedy floats from your fingertips as though you are born for it. Perhaps it struck a chord, but I’d think even the most unremarkable writer (read: me) would be compelled to update on whatever goings on happened to happen. For me, it took the semi-autobiographical words of a previously unread established author for me to pour something new out.

You have to get back on the horse somehow, right?

Let’s start with an easier Korean observational topic. Two very basic human functions: walking and talking. I have more than once commented that Walking In Korea would make a great video game. Not a super awesome X-Box 59000 game, but it would be perfect for a smart phone or a Nintendo DS or something. It would go something like this:

You are Jack or Jill Teacher, and without a car you are forced to walk everywhere with the small caveat that you can’t touch your surroundings. The first level is easy. Walk to the store a few blocks away on a normal Sunday. You’ll pass by a few stray cats and an old lady hobbled over peeling garlic, but that’s about it. As the levels progress, it gets more difficult. Walking downtown on Saturday night for example. You’d have to not only be a little intoxicated, creating another variable for stumbling, but you’d have to avoid throngs of people, old men urinating or vomiting in public, passed out people, motor scooters making bold decisions, Army soldiers street fighting, and an endless amount of cars that are driving down streets not designed for them. As in real life, the more difficult levels prove nearly impossible to navigate without hitting something.

The possibilities for obstacles are endless. It could even take the route of surreal, a-la Paperboy, the NES classic. Avoid falling North Korean bombs, try walking through an earthquake, a train station full of runaway trains, a street of food vendors in a food fight. Here’s my million dollar idea and I’m just putting it out there for anyone to use. How bloody stupid am I?

Let’s talk about talking. As a foreigner, talking here obviously entails more effort. There are those who make the effort, and those who don’t. If you are one of the former, your effort is paid off in understanding more minutiae than the average teacher. The complications that then arise perhaps sometimes outweigh the reward.

In a homogenic society like Korea, if you give them an inch they take a mile. I'm not saying anything (or not meaning to say anything) offensive with that statement. What I mean by it is that when you present yourself as having a very basic understanding of the Korean language, they assume you are as fluent as everyone else in Korea because it's still somewhat rare to meet someone who isn't. So you'll say something as simple as, "Do you have milk?" and they'll go off about whatever and the answer to your question is somewhere muddled in the madness. What we look for in asking that question is a simple "Yes, it's right here," or, "Yes, it's on aisle three," or "No, we don't." This is life, though, where answers, both literal and figurative, are not as clean cut as a textbook.

In a pertinent example of this in a reverse situation, I watched a Korean film concerning the Korean War yesterday wherein a wounded U.S. soldier was taken to a small village for treatment. The only teacher in town finds his "Learning English" book and sits in front of the soldier. "How are you?" the teacher asks. "How the hell do I look!?" The soldier answers, "I'm lying here wounded, propped up with boards in a strange village..." The teacher turns to his Korean neighbors and, pointing to the book, says, "Hmm, that is not the correct response. If I say, 'How are you?' he is supposed to say, 'Fine, and you?' and I reply, 'I'm fine, thanks.' That is the typical American response." So they assume that he is ornery and perhaps looking to fight. A humorous example of situations that come up in real life.

Neither of these topics are particularly new or eye-opening to a veteran of Korea. In fact, you don't need to spend three days here before conclusions such as these begin to take form. It's really just a matter of one observer typing emotions into a keyboard. I'll still have the same complaints (no matter how trivial) next week until someone gets those damn scooters off the sidewalk!

The Most Militarized De-Militarized Zone In the World

2011-06-27T16:17:00.006+09:00

I have a story to unravel for you folks. It involves intrigue, romance, danger, and war. I went to the DMZ: The Demilitarized Zone...of Korea. On the 61st anniversary of the beginning of the Korean War.

For those who don't know, the Demilitarized Zone is the 4KM wide de-facto border between North and South Korea. Within the DMZ are special zones, but other than that nobody is allowed within this defined area. As such, this untouched land has become a nature preserve, housing many endangered species of deer and bird. Apparently there are even tigers in it, which cannot be found anywhere else on the peninsula. Indeed, they even have DMZ spring water because of its reputation as pure nature.

With my trip, I only got a cursory glimpse of the nature part, but it was actually fairly beautiful in its purity and a welcome change from the hustle and bustle of Seoul. Unfortunately, this foray into nature was short. What I'm here to talk to you about is the Joint Security Area and Panmunjom.

We awoke early Saturday morning and were at the USO Office at Camp Kim before 7 AM for our 7:30 departure. The weather looked like it might turn for the worse at any moment, but we headed North past the civilian zone anyway. Once you cross the river North of Seoul, everything changes. Nothing but military check points up to Camp Bonifas, named after Captain Bonifas who was brutally axed to death by North Korean soldiers during the "Axe Murder Incident of 1976," which I will get into later.

Once in Camp Bonifas we met our tour guide, an enlisted U.S. soldier at the camp, who would "debrief" us and give us our waivers to sign in case we got shot or whatever. From that point we watched a fairly uninspiring video on the history of the DMZ and the Korean War and we made our way to the Joint Security Area. The motto here and at Camp Bonifas is "In Front Of Them All." I finally understood what this meant when we got to the JSA. ROK Soldiers stand at a ready taekwondo pose literally facing the enemy every single day.

The gray building beyond is crawling with North Koreans. Notice the group on the top left balcony...

As we chose the 61st anniversary of the start of the Korean War to visit, we were rewarded by seeing a North Korean DMZ tour on the other side of the border. This, apparently, is not common. The blue building on the left is where the tour goes and certain inter-Korean talks are held.

See?

Inside, we were able to step into North Korea beyond this cement plank.
I have been to North Korea...but not really. I literally stepped about three feet into North Korea inside a secured building that was built by South Korea. Pretty lame, I know.

From there we went to a lookout where we got a solid glimpse of Kijong-dong, the North Korean "Propaganda Village" and home to the second tallest flagpole in the world.
The story of Propaganda Village is a rather involving one, but I'm here and you're here so let's get it over with. Part of the agreement (with God or whatever) is that each side could have one village in the DMZ. South Korea built Daesong-dong, a farm collective of 50 odd families with odd perks and restrictions. They are exempt from military service, pay no taxes, and the government will purchase 100% of their crop yield, thus earning them a salary of around $100K a year. The restrictions are that they have to spend 240 nights a year in the village, 11PM curfew, and men cannot marry into it.

North Korea, instead of investing in a farming village, decided to build a gigantic movie set. Kijong-dong is virtually uninhabited, yet someone turns on and off lights to make it seem inhabited. Upon closer inspection, it can be seen that the windows of buildings don't have glass and that most buildings don't even have interior rooms. Then there's the issue of the flagpole. Well, that's just a manhood issue between North and South and the South finally gave up. But the flagpole in Daesong-dong is pretty big too.

We next passed by the Bridge of No Return, named as such because after the Korean War, POWs were exchanged across this bridge with options: they got to choose North or South, but once they chose there was no going back... ...as well as the monument replacing the poplar tree from the Axe Murder Incident of 1976. The story behind that particular incident goes like this: South Korea had a lookout post next to the Bridge of No Return which was surrounded by North Korean lookout posts and blocked from South Korean view by a poplar tree.

Here's a visual aid for you folks of the lookout post in question. Keep in mind that North Korea surrounds this outpost on three sides. The Bridge of No Return is directly to the right of the blue outpost and the poplar tree would be blocking the view of the building if it were still standing.

So one day a dozen or so U.S. and ROK soldiers went over to cut it down (not carrying weapons [besides axes to cut down the tree] per the rules at the time). They were met by about 15 North Korean soldiers monitoring them. About 15 minutes into it, the North Koreans ordered them to stop the tree trimming and attacked, killing Bonifas with an axe and injuring others before escaping. North Korea's reasoning was that "Kim Il-Sung planted the tree personally and nourished it and it was growing under his supervision." The tree was at least 10 years older than Kim Il-Sung.

Then we hauled it over to the Third Tunnel. More North Korean craziness there. Do you see a trend? So, four man made tunnels have been discovered under the DMZ originating from the North. It is believed that there are more undiscovered ones. The idea is that North Korea would construct a series of tunnels leading to Seoul that would effectively transport troops and artillery underground in the case of an invasion. This particular tunnel could transport 30,000 troops per hour if completed. It was discovered prematurely, however, and the tunnel ends several kilometers shy of Seoul. When North Korea realized the South was aware of what they were doing, they covered the walls in black. "Why did they do that, Steve?" Well, their subsequent explanation for the tunnel was that it was a coal mine. Yeah, pretty lame considering it's in limestone rock with no coal anywhere in the area. Anyway, the tunnel was...a tunnel. It was surprisingly deep though, at about 400 meters underground (for those dastardly Americans, that's about a quarter of a mile).

Here is also where the gift shop was, so I purchased a rare treat (and probably the only interesting, unique thing in there):

"Chiggity check yo-self."

North Korean beer. It was actually better than South Korean beer because apparently Kim Jong-il imported, brick by brick, a brewery from England to create his own beer.

Our final stop was Dorasan Station. This train station was built in the hopes of reunification. It's an unused train station with two significant points of interest: first, it is the northern most train station in South Korea and second, it has tracks going to Pyeongyang. If this reunification were ever to be realized, this train station would be one of a long, long line of train stations running from Busan, Korea to Lisbon, Portugal. Yes, it would be the longest train line in the world. North Korea is literally standing in the way of that...

"None shall pass!"

The DMZ tour offered through the USO is definitely a worthwhile experience for those visiting Korea or living here. Even to those living here, it is a bizarre look into the sensitive relationship between the North and South.

Gangwon-do Adventures

2011-06-19T17:03:00.007+09:00

Gangwon-do in Korea is the most rural, rugged, and most mountainous of South Korea's nine main -dos. Highlights of Gangwon-do include: Seoraksan National Park, mainland South Korea's tallest mountain; Pyeongchang, South Korea's 2018 Winter Olympic bid; and the home of Dokdo, the contested islets off the coast. Here's it's location in relation to Daegu:

It's the pink one, guys.

This past weekend, I took the trip up to Daejeon to meet my roommate from orientation who I hadn't seen in over a year. Since last I saw him, he had upgraded to a university job as well as gotten a car. This latter fact enabled us to explore the otherwise mysterious Gangwon-do in ways that is difficult without a jalopy in which to do it. Indeed, I had never been to Gangwon-do before this past weekend.

ROAD TRIP!!!! That's right. We took a several hour road trip to the East coast. You may not think it would take this long, but it took four hours to get to the East coast. Yeah, it's that mountainous over there. However, it is also beautiful. On our way we passed aforementioned Pyeongchang, the Winter Olympic hopeful. Upon seeing it, I could only think how much infrastructure they would have to invest in to make it Olympic worthy. It can't have a population of more than 20,000. Nonetheless, it had a sleepy Alpine feel to it as we passed. I can only imagine that that infrastructure would drown out the quaint sleepiness of it and actually put it on the map. It could even ruin Gangwon-do. Or...they'll host most of it in neighboring Gyeonggi-do where all of Seoul's influence lies and have only the skiing part in Pyeongchang. Who knows?

As we snaked down the coast admiring rolling mountains that spilled into the ocean, we came upon our first destination: The Reunification Park. This is, of course, referred to Korean reunification. It was fairly dinky with a few Korean War planes and...South Korean Air Force One from the 60s. As you were allowed inside, we got to see where da prezident once sat.

What was more alluring about the park was that down the road there were three naval displays. The first was a Korean war ship that was built by the U.S. in 1945 and then donated to South Korea in the 60s.

"Did you get your tickets?" "What tickets?" "To the gun show!"

Granted, it wasn't as exciting as the U.S.S. Missouri, but it was still kind of neat. Second, we had the small dinghy that the 2009 North Korean defectors used to paddle their way across the border.

How'd you like to live on that for a couple of days?

The last was easily the most alluring. A North Korean submarine. A real one. So, turns out in 1996, a North Korean submarine shored up on Gangwon-do to release some spies to do some spying and hopefully assassinate some VIPs attending some function in the area. On the way out (assassination mission failed), their submarine got stuck on some rocks, so the 13 agents abandoned ship after shooting the submarine crew and burning all their documents. 12 agents were subsequently killed in a firefight and one was captured alive, giving us the information we have. The submarine was subsequently made into a little museum to North Korean aggression.

The results of two starkly contrasting economic systems in one picture.

The inside of the submersible actually wasn't that exciting, but it was still worth it to see (and you had to wear a hard hat to go inside because it's as treacherous as the North Korean regime!).

We snaked down the coast some more, still taking in those rolling mountains that spilled into the ocean, and eventually came upon a landmark sight. In a sleepy beach town there lies this:
A cruise ship on a hill. "Why is there a cruise ship on a hill?" you may ask. Nobody fucking knows. I'm just kidding. It's a hotel that was built into the shape of a cruise ship. From what I hear, it's actually a pretty nice hotel (not surprisingly). The only problem is, what else is there to see in this town? Well, there is a nice beach and the added bonus of our next destination: Haesindang Park.

Haesindang Park was created under the belief that it would satisfy the spirit of a young woman who drowned in the area. After she drowned, the amount of seafood gathered in the area plummeted, so they built a park to satisfy her. Since then, the seafood yield returned to normal. This is no normal park, although it has wonderful rocky beaches. No, this park is full of giant, erect penis statues.

Not pictured: the giant, erect penis statues.

It seems Korea has an obsession with genitalia between this park and Loveland on Jeju-do. What could it be? Probably a vein attempt at getting their birth numbers back up. Either way, it makes a pretty bizarre, yet entertaining adventure for the occasional Westerner who passes through.

That night we stayed in Samcheok, in the southern part of Gangwan-do. They have some sort of specialization in seafood, so we tried blisteringly spicy grilled eel that was actually not bad despite its blistering level of spice.

The morning consisted of the mostly uneventful drive back. All in all, one of the more eventful weekends I've had in a while.

Moon Me

2011-06-14T08:15:00.003+09:00

There was a period of time that I didn't even want to acknowledge this blog existed. It was that shameful to me. Neglecting it for so long. But, something has spurred me back. The tiniest little thing. There are those of you who may fault my reasons to slink back to the keyboard, but nobody gives a crap about your negative feelings anyway. What brought me back was to write a movie review (ewww...).

Before I get into it though, I wanted to let you know that I have no less than three draft posts in my que just waiting to be finished. I had attempted three times to update since May 20th and failed miserably at each one. What did it take for me to get back? A friggin' movie. Not any of your whiney pleas for me to start writing again. Not boredom, not guilt. A movie. It must be pretty good, right? Well, let's just say that it hit a chord with me.

Moon (2009) is a sci-fi flick that somewhat pays homage to the classics (2001: A Space Odyssey, Solaris, and that one George Lucas film he did before Star Wars). Sam Rockwell plays Sam Bell, the solitary contract worker on the moon harvesting Helium-3, the clean energy of the future. His only company is Gerty, a computer voiced by Kevin Spacey. As his three year contract finishes up, Sam starts experiencing strange things and hallucinations. That's about all I knew about the film when I started watching and I really can't say much more without giving up what made it so intriguing a watch.

Moon is the writing and directorial debut of Duncan Jones, David Bowie's first son. After watching it, I can attest that Jones is a solid writer/director. I feel like he must have been an English teacher in Korea by the way I can relate to this movie. The solitude one can sometimes feel living in a foreign country, the silly projects one undertakes whilst within that solitude, the longing to see people, the monotony of a job. All things I can very well relate to. Also there are other strange coincidences that give it another level for me. The base on which Sam lives is called "Sarang." Sarang is Korean for "love" and even the hangeul is written on the base: 사랑. There you go, I helped you with a metaphor.

There are layers to this movie that you only catch by watching and paying attention. First there is the slightly humorous alarm tune that wakes Sam up every morning. Also, it is never suggested, but it can be implied that Korea in the future has a much more global role (and even lunar, asitwere). This is demonstrated by both the name of the base as well as some dialogue. At a pivotal point in the movie, a recording says, "annyeonghi kyeseyo (안녕히 계세요). Goodbye." This in Korean means "stay well," as in "you are staying here. Stay here well while I leave." According to the situation, the recording should have said "annyeonghi kaseyo (안녕히 가세요). Goodbye." This would translate to "go well." However, the fact that they used "stay well" instead of "go well" is pivotal to what happens next and you'd only catch the intention if you knew those Korean phrases. Of course, you still get it eventually without knowing. I love little things like that in movies. It shows attention to detail and foresight that most of your viewers will miss it.

Sam Rockwell definitely expanded his acting chops in this movie, portraying practically the only character we see onscreen. And, despite being a bucket of bolts, Kevin Spacey's Gerty is surprisingly warm and dynamic. All in all, a really well done film that I'd suggest to fans of science fiction. One of them thinkers about the definition of life and all that.

Mediocre Incoherency

2011-05-20T08:11:00.001+09:00

Warning: As you may gather from the title, this post has no coherency. And it's mediocre.

I sometimes wonder if the strange dreams will ever stop. I had a pretty vivid one wherein Rick Moranis was sent to an alternate dimension where all the dead people go, but he wasn't dead himself. He then had to find a way back to his family while trying to thwart the evil ghost's plans of inhabiting his now soulless body before he can get back to it. If it's not already, it should be a summer blockbuster. What happened to Rick Moranis anyway? We need you now, Rick, more than ever. In the time of our greatest need, Rick has forsaken us. Why, Rick, why?

I had another that was played through twice. First as real life events, and second as a movie (I seem to like dreams that portray themselves as movies. Or maybe I just interpret them that way). Basically, a fellow teacher (that I am actually friends with in real life) didn't like me because I was taking care of his kids one weekend, so he set my house on fire with a lit cigarette. It turns out I wasn't that angry about the house, but moreso that he'd put his kids in danger (because they were inside) just to get back at me for doing something nice for him. So, I decided to leave the country.

In the movie version, my part was portrayed by an early '90s Mel Gibson and the other part was played by John Stamos. They taught at a prestigious New Zealand university, and instead of burning Mel Gibson's house down, John Stamos only peed in his gas tank because it turns out John Stamos' kids were actually fathered by Mel Gibson. As a result, Mel Gibson left New Zealand, but as his plane was taking off, it broke and crashed into the ocean.

I saw a kid's t-shirt today and it said, "We're more popular than Jesus." Man, I wish I had that shirt. Also, I wish that kid got the reference. How many people in America do you think would freak out at that shirt? Start burning things. Ban the Beatles and such.

You know how it's funny to us when someone doesn't know enough English to form a correct sentence so they just kind of wing it with what they have? Like instead of saying, "Yes, I'm sweating," they'll say, "Yes, many water comes"? Yeah, I do that all the time in Korean. I sound like some kind of idiot most of the time and people laugh at me. It's like I'm an unintentional comedian. Since I fail at being an intentional comedian, I guess I'll take what I can get.

I forgot to mention how a few weeks ago my landlord took me out to dinner randomly. Yes, Mr. Lee strikes one more time. Like a hat trick or something. Anyway, I'm just minding my own business when he knocks on my door and immediately grabs my hand when I answer. Luckily, he only holds it until we cross the street and enter the restaurant that I've lived across the street from for over a year, but never patronized. We sit down and what occurs in the next hour is him teaching me random Korean words. Some of them actually stuck, so I'm grateful for the experience (and the free meal) but it was funny to me that I had to remind him of the English word "water" yet he already knew how to say "penis." I guess males really are the same all around the world.

A Letter To Our Consumers

2011-05-18T08:04:00.001+09:00

Dear Americans,

When you travel abroad, from time to time you will meet the occasional international traveler who readily admits that he or she "doesn't like Americans." Instead of getting angry, politely remind them that that is no different than saying "I don't like blacks," "I don't like Jews," or "I don't like gay people." Ask them their reasons. Usually, they will state, "Americans are loud and ignorant." Ask them, are Americans ignorant like the kind of ignorant that is disliking a person based on where they are from? You can go so far as to ask them if they've ever visited America. 99% of the time, they'll say, "No, I have no desire to go." You can consider the conversation over at that point, as they are unswayable bigots.

You may get tired of having to justify yourself for being American. Don't give in and claim Canadian citizenship. That would be doing your country a disservice. Stick to your guns and know that you're a better person for not judging someone based on their nationality. What your government does has no basis on your personality and who you are. Your accent does not determine your IQ, and chances are you are not the loud, fat, uncontrollable drunk that your reputation precedes you as. Finally, there are enough worldly, open people you will meet who like Americans just as much as everyone else. Some even like us more because they say we're not stuck up (unlike aforementioned unswayable bigots) and boatloads more fun (they may even use the word "smashing" in their description of us). Words of advice.

Sincerely,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Steve

Dear American Haters,

So, you don't like Americans? Tell me, how many Americans have you known on more than a cursory level? 3? So, for every one of those loud, fat, ignorant ones you knew, there were probably 10 quiet, polite ones that you didn't even notice. How many times have you wrongfully assumed that a Canadian was an American because they were loud and obnoxious? Whatever first world country you're from, I can guarantee that I've met 3 of your fellow countrypeople who were equally, if not more, disgusting and ignorant as the Americans you claim to know. Let's be generous and say that you've met 30 Americans and they were all loud and obnoxious, ignorant, drooling, obese, drug addled cesspools of STDs and drama. Essentially they were all Snookies. That's still .0000001% of the U.S. population. Do you think doctors come to blanketed conclusions based on .0000001% of the data they collect? "Well, Jim, it looks like one of your mitochondria are acting strange, so I'm going to assume that you're mentally retarded and suggest a lobotomy to fix you right up."

Oh, that's right. It's cool to dislike Americans in the international community. You can sit around the campfire on a Thai beach drinking beer all night with everyone else and bash us on how stupid we all are and how we don't speak the Queen's English and aren't part of the Commonwealth. We bomb Islamic countries and get our fingers into everyone else's business internationally and we're proud of it, damn it. It's like some hybrid car owners. You're smug and superior if you dislike Americans. What an ego stroke, eh? If I judged people based on what their government does, regardless of where they're from, I'd have absolutely no friends and hate life. Surely, every single American went down to the White House and personally shook George Bush's hand on invading Iraq and gave him $10 to keep the good work up. Are you really that obtuse?

Oh, you've got one more card to pull. Wait for it. "Americans don't travel." I am clearly case in point, having traveled. Let's take a look the geographical size of Europe vs. that of the U.S. Surprisingly, the size is relatively similar. So, let's go ahead and assume the EU is now one country. On top of it, let's put a 5,000 mile wide ocean between Europe and Asia. Now how many countries have you been to? Many Americans don't leave the U.S. because the U.S. is huge and somewhat isolated. There are 50 states with 50 different feelings. It's like containing 50 countries in one. They all have their own laws and their own governments. In addition, our visa policies make it more expensive to travel than you (again, not my fault, but my government's). It costs you, what, $40 to go to China, whereas it costs me closer to $200. Let's not even get into differences in work ethic expectations and economies. There's only about a billion things you're glossing over to reach that smug conclusion.

If there's one thing that I want you to get from this letter, American hater, is that you are a blight. If you can fall asleep at night making seriously flawed, blanketed statements about a group of people, then you have no place in an increasingly globalized world. Go home and don't reproduce.

Sincerely,
Steve

Jeju 3: The Reckoning

2011-05-17T08:11:00.000+09:00

The time has come, dear readers, to recount my final full day on Jeju. Blogger has been acting a lil' whack lately. Some posts disappeared apparently and I couldn't post anything new, but now! No more excuses. The rapture is nigh.

Our final day was spent hiking Hallasan, the highest mountain in South Korea. At a whopping 1,950 meters tall (that's 6,398 feet, children), this mountain takes around 8 hours to successfully hike. The problem with the day we chose (our final day, as mentioned before) is that it was rife with rain...the entire day. Something that is very bizarre about Korean hiking trails is how manicured they are. They include rock paths and wooden boardwalks and staircases...
...the whole way up the mountain. However, on this day a majority of our path looked more like a cascading waterfall:
We were smart enough to purchase stylish trashbag smocks to protect our precious clothing.
These smocks failed on that front. In fact, the smocks did such a poor job that, despite having gone through the wash (ah, my incredible washing machine...), my jeans still retain some semblence of that hike. That is to say, Hallasan rain smells like magic...if you believe magic smells like onions and sulfur. And I do. So, I sometimes opt to wear my onion sulfur pants out on the town and scare the locals even more than normal.

About 2/3 of the way up, there is a shop selling ramen, candy bars, and water to refuel the wary hikers (surprisingly [I'm serious about the surprise part...] no beer or soju). I can only imagine the time the shop owner has every morning, hiking 2 hours up a mountain (perhaps with boxes of ramen in tow) to open the shop rain or shine. Actually, it dawned in my mind that there was perhaps a secret road out back, and that we should have taken that back down instead of enduring the cascading waterfall.

Now for the tale of the summit. Once we passed the tree line (about 1/2 hour from the top), the climate changed so dramatically that it's hard to even express. The temperature dropped dramatically, the wind increased at least ten fold--enough that one could not stand up straight--and the rain shot in sideways strong enough to sting quite a bit. I could not hear or get a sense of equilibrium through that majestic smock. It was easily the hardest wind/rain combination I'd ever been in. After climbing up stairs for 3 1/2 hours, it was not the greatest feeling. But, we endured to the top and were rewarded with these spectacular views of the island:
...ugh. Well, here's a picture of the summit in the rain and wind (which was somehow not quite as strong as about ten feet below the summit):
The way down was when I began to feel the effects of the way up. By the time we reached the base lodge, I could hardly walk. What hurt the most was my feet. Word of advice: don't wear Chuck Taylor All-Stars on a rocky mountain hike (tap the Rockies!). You'll regret it for at least 3 or 4 days afterward. However, it's kind of tradition now that my Chuck Taylors go with me on mountain hikes so I'll next be climbing Kilamanjaro and K-2 with them.

Anyway, at the bottom we ceremoniously flipped Hallasan the bird and considered it conquered. Take that.

Jeju Day 2: Jeju Harder

2011-05-12T07:59:00.000+09:00

Before I move on, I just had to point this out: So, in Love Land there was a sculpture series that was clearly themed on large, fat women and small, skinny men trying to escape them. Now, I'm not sure if this was something that was ordered by the creative staff of Love Land or if there just happened to be enough of them to warrant a separate section, but either way somebody's got some psychological issues to work out.

Day two was not quite as action packed as day one. It was sunny, so we wanted to head to the beach. Here's our second beach experience: The beach wasn't quite as majestic as the first, but it's right around where we were staying. Here's our resort: And the interior: It had coy fish and expensive sandwiches! I'm going to go ahead and reveal to you that I am, indeed, lying about where we stayed. We stayed in a hostel that was $15 a night and definitely not as luxurious (or as expensive) as the resorts.

That evening, we tried one of Jeju's specialties: 똥돼지 (ddong dwaeji...poop pig). These are special pigs that are said to taste like tropical rainbows (Skittles?) and ecstatic happiness because they are well taken care of and they eat nothing but shit. Apparently, that's not true so much anymore, so they changed their name to black pig because they're black (racists...). Anyway, it was a tasty treat.

Afterwards, I traversed down the hill to the waterfall area to view all the Koreans taking pictures of a waterfall. Here it is: Oh, you wanted to see the waterfall. Fine. I believe up to this point, I have neglected to mention how random Jeju is. On our various excursions, we would pass a number of museums and sites scattered around the island. To name a few: Teddy Bear Museum, Citrus Museum, African Art Museum, Glass Museum, Green Tea Museum, Genghis Khan re-enactment, traditional Vietnamese village, Anti-Japan Monument (not so random), and Mini World (boasting miniature reproductions of world famous sites). We went to none of these places during our stay, but I wish we had made it to the Green Tea Museum. It sounds so interesting...

Another point to touch upon is the utter lack of driving skills on Jeju. I have never seen worse driving in my life, and I've lived on mainland Korea for over a year. My theory is that mainland Koreans come to Jeju for vacation and rent a car. Mainland Korea is very different than Jeju in that you can get everywhere you need to go via taxi, bus, or train without driving a day in your life. The most economical way to get around Jeju is by renting a car, thus that's what they do. You can guess how well that goes.

Anyway, there's still a whole day of Jeju action left to go. Tune in next time, folks.

Jeju, Day One: Lovely Love Land

2011-05-11T08:10:00.006+09:00

I would like you to know that I am aware that my blog is on life support. It would be more difficult to blame myself than to blame an external factor for why this is happening, so I'll just do that instead. I am being facetious, but the next sentence is actually true. For some reason recently, Google (and thus blogger, being owned by aforementioned parent company) has had sporadic trouble loading, both at home and at school. So, when the rare time comes that I actually feel like posting in my blog, I have a 50% chance or so of it not being able to accommodate my request. I feel cheated and violated when this happens. You are not the only one.

As such, I will move on with my most recent excursion: Jeju Island.

For those of you who don't know, Jeju Island is the Hawaii of Korea. As laughable as that may sound, it is partly true. I was surprised to be greeted with humidity and an abundance of palm trees upon my exiting the airport. Other things the two islands have in common:

Fickle weather

Volcanic activity

Resorts

Honeymooners

Higher costs

Waterfalls

Randomness

I'm going to probably hover around the "randomness" bullet point for most of these posts because Jeju Island is probably the most random place I've ever been to. I'm also breaking the trip up into days, mainly because the first day is so long. You've been warned.

Since we arrived in Seogwipo (the city on the south side of the island where we stayed) late on Friday night, we did nothing noteworthy before Saturday. On Saturday, however, much magic happened. As mentioned before, Jeju is the fickle mistress of weather. The day began pretty crappily and rainy and we had originally thought the entire day would be like this.

It began with us finding out how things work in Seogwipo: every restaurant is closed until at least noon. So, we loaded up on breakfast at the Family Mart before hopping into taxis bound for...THE LAVA TUBES!

The second thing we found out was how big the island was. In an illogical sort of way, we assumed that the bus we rode on the previous night was so long because it had to stop all over the place. We reconsidered that theory after our cab ride was about a half hour on the highway and costing $30. Alas, we arrived and were greeted with a much more varied park than we had anticipated (remember: random).

Since I mentioned it already, we'll start with the lava tubes. Somewhat uninteresting (note the lack of pictures) except that one of the two is the only place in the world where limestone formations reside in a lava formed cave. Interesting...to a SCIENCE TEACHER! I teach English, by the way.

Other things in the park: palm tree avenue, bonzai tree park, stone formations park, bird zoo, a traditional Jeju folk village, a "water garden,":

Holy crap its water!

some other tree park wherein trees were planted by various countries and we get to see ambassadors from said countries posing in front of the tree via photography, gift shop, and, obviously the best part: soft serve ice cream.

At this point the weather had given way to a cloudless sunny day, so we opted to head to the beach that was across the street. Here's a glimpse of that one fer ya:

Hey, how ya doin'?

Unfortunately, the water was still rather cold, so swimming was minimal. From there we hit possibly the highlight of the trip: Love Land.

A trip to Love Land is something that must be seen to be believed. It has been on my list of Korean attractions since the beginning, and I'm obviously glad I went. Love Land's origins are based in Jeju's reputation for being the honeymoon island. In the past (and party so still), Koreans were traditionally very naive and innocent. With a trip to Jeju Island for their honeymoon, they sometimes needed a little help to get certain sexual details correct ("You mean I don't pee in her?"). In fact, hotels even had to hire special "assistants" to coax Korean couples to consummate their recent marriage. The idea behind Love Land is to teach and "get couples in the mood." Instead of doing that, it has become a comedy scene of perversion with some pretty strange sculptures. I can only begin to post the most PG friendly of those, so if you'd like to see the good ones, ask me or gander at Facebook (or Google them [that is, if Google decides to work for you in your region of the world]). Anyway, here are some photos:

This is, apparently, how we perform intercourse in America, based on the international sculpture series.Notice the sperm swimming into the heart on the store front.

She's holding a pepper in her hand. Huh huh. Do you get it? It's subtle, right?

Forget about retaining any semblence of that Western coldness. Old ladies will be manhandling fake penises and old men will be mounting and groping sculptures, etc. Like I said, it's something that needs to be seen to be believed. Truly unique experience.

We ended the night by going to, perhaps, the only Western bar in Jeju. It indeed did have other Westerners, dart boards, and delicious Western food and beer. A treat of a day.

Bang to the Bang

2011-04-25T13:32:00.005+09:00

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a decision. A fork in the road approaches nigh, and a choice must be made as to which way the rest of your journey unfolds. I sometimes feel like I either stopped my journey to take a satisfying dump or lassoed the nearest albatross to take me away to Never Never Land. Alas, neither is true. My life, like yours is on a path through time and space to an ultimate end point. Since coming to Korea, I've considered part of my journey to be blogging. Now, I'm not having the break up talk with you, but I'm just laying it down that I find it more difficult to blog these days when life runs together and I forget to bring my camera almost all the time. Things are not divided into hilarious episodes as they once were. I believe that also is denoted by a decrease in readership?

With that said, let's see. What do I have to tell you? I thought I had something, but I drank those brain cells away. Ah yes...

Ah no...

Ah yes...

So I was finally lucky enough to visit the illustrious Woobang Tower Land last weekend. This was on Sunday with Saturday being the big bull push--er, fight. The only way to describe Woobang Land would be to say that the $20 entrance fee was pushing it. Hey, Woobang, you're pushing your luck there.

I can tell you, in detail, the experience I had on every ride I went on because there were only about six that I could tell (outside of the kiddie rides):

First, we hit that one carnival ride where they strap about twenty of your luckiest friends into one of two caged cars that subsequently swings to build up momentum (like that stupid pirate ship ride) until it eventually flips you upside down. I believed this would be a good litmus test for the rest of the park as to whether the rides could accommodate a person of Western stature (read: fatass), and it generally was. My shoulders are still a little tender from the bar. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoulder bar actually did anything to keep me in the seat. Instead I had to hold on for dear life with my feet, lest I fall through the cage bars to my, perhaps, timely death.

The second ride consisted of a single "car" (used liberally) that held maybe 40 people and teeter-tottered forward and backward on a central axis while being flung around in a quick circle. This one, instead of focusing on my shoulders as the basis for pain infliction, decided (correctly) that my balls would be a more vulnerable target. The seats inexplicably had a gentle hill where a normal man would rest himself that almost perfectly fit in sync with the shoulder bar that you lowered, creating a vice. They literally had me by the balls. This was surely planned out by the engineers as some kind of forced self-torture. Despite this flaw, I can still say it was more fun than the first in at least during the second ride I didn't hear the carney maniacally laughing as we spun.

The third ride was a roller coaster that I would rate one step above my first one ever, the Scooby Doo. It was called 'The Camel' alluringly enough because it only had one selling point: hills. It had the necessary curves to make its shape a two storied race track. You could tell it was one of the first steel coasters ever built by the Soviet style architecture. Still, those are fun in their own right. Clearly most fun ride thus far. Our fourth ride would be the culmination of Woobang Land. Do you like my use of suspense? I'm a regular Alfred Hitchcock here.

The fourth ride actually had the caliber of a ride above and beyond Woobang's low bar setting. I don't recall if it had a name or not, but it was the kind of roller coaster that brings you up the hill backward with the help of a magical magnet only to launch you forward through the housing you boarded the coaster from. Then it proceeds to go through a few loops and then up a one sided hill. Once to the top of this hill, you are sent back through the same course you just traversed but backwards, doing your best to remember what came next amid the jarring G force hurling you around at a larger object's will.

The fifth ride wasn't even a ride. I include it because it was just as adrenalitous as the other four. It was one of those stupid haunted houses, equally-stupidly named "Ghost Adventure." The reason I hate these things is not because they are lame. They totally are. The reason I hate them so much is because there are always those things that jump out at you and I hate that feeling. So, instead I slowly creep through the whole thing with my fuse at its end because I feel constantly annoyed and I just want to get out. Only...this one didn't have anything pop out at you. So the feeling was for nothing. Which, to me, was probably better than having people and spring action anamatronics scare the crap out of me.

If you tally up those numbers, that comes to just about $4 per ride. That's definitely pushing it, Woobang. Granted, one of the roller coasters was closed and we got a $5 off coupon for it, and most of it was geared toward children, what with the fuzzy Russian actors and the carousel rides. Anyway, good job Daegu. It was a fun Sunday.

Bull Pushing

2011-04-18T08:12:00.003+09:00

On Saturday, a large, rowdy group of foreigners made their way to Cheongdo, a town not-really-famous-but-famous-in-the-fact-that-there-is-only-one-thing-coming-out-of-this-town famous for bullfighting. Apparently, it's in the type of town that will let you in to the ticket-only area if you say you need to use the bathroom based on a trust that you will exit again. Don't worry. My mama raised me right and I stayed inside and cheated the system (just kidding). Once inside the people turnstiles, an open forum area awaits you (pictured). Shops line the outsides and various bull statue projects line the center walkway. We were fortunate enough to get there right when the hour long "break" of the day began, so we had plenty of time to stroll the grounds. After about 10 minutes of this, one tends to get bored, so we headed inside to view the panoply of traditional Korean performances awaiting us in the arena area (pictured...the arena, not the performances [unfortunately for you]). After what seemed like three eternities, the main event resumed. Out came one bull followed by another, entering to the sounds of monster truck death metal. Suddenly their owners were pulling their heads together and, like a polar magnetic connection, they clicked together and began pushing each other at the horns. As quickly as it began it was ended and a winner incoherently declared. This happened for the next two hours and we arbitrarily cheered for one bull over another and just as arbitrarily determined one the winner. Although foreign, it was still fun and we deemed it a success, finishing off the evening with a dinner consisting of beef. Ironic? Maybe, but not as ironic as this guy:

The English Festivus: Part 1

2011-04-11T14:04:00.006+09:00

Friday was one of those not-entirely-uncommon special days where we do something different. It was English Festival Day at my school and it wasn't that much different...except in each class groups of students performed an English childrens' song, including "Hokey Pokey," "Old MacDonald," and "Bingo." Here are some pictures:

Taekwondo cow!!!!!!!

A green breakdancing teddy bear? Hell yes.

And the award for most adorable goes to? Yeah, exactly. Anyway, if you like fun then this would have been right up your alley. If ya don't like it, then yew can gittout! I think we have to do two of these a semester, so there's something to post about. Keep it real, yo.

Thoughts Frommamind #3: MLK's Legacy

2011-04-06T12:50:00.004+09:00

Maybe I should rename this segment "Thoughts Frommalife...in Korea" or something. So, today I was teaching classes in the English classroom, as I do, and I noticed these boxes that were themed on the bookshelf. They're those small, thin boxes that have a book and a CD and a guide in them or whatever to help the kids learn the Engrish. So I parused the titles, reading down the line: Aladdin and the Magic Lamp, Greek Myths, Heungbu and Nolbu, The Happy Prince, and the second to last one, Martin Luther King, Jr.

Um...what? Is MLK now the title character in some sort of tall tale wherein he rides a tidal wave through Alabama that turns all the KKK members into pine trees?

Surfs up, dude!

I'm not quite getting the relevance of Martin Luther King, Jr., a real person who lived not that long ago, to the others in the set, all stories derived from various histories.

Hey, look! It's a black person!

2011-04-01T14:07:00.003+09:00

I always wonder, 'what if God smoked cannabis?' and then I get my answer when I look at things like the platypus. That's not the reason I'm here, though. I'm here to inform you, yeah you three people reading this, of a recent experience.

So, I mentioned before about the bigoted and ignorant opinion of some Koreans. Now, I've seen it being implanted into the curious minds of children firsthand. And I had to teach it. So, the third graders are learning "What's this?" and "It's a _______." as their target language. One of the forays into this target language is a short video offered by the textbook CD.

You can guess the dialogue, but the context is what was jaw dropping. Gina and Rahul, the happy-go-lucky stars of our ongoing 3rd grade saga, go to the only black girl's house they've ever seen and start asking about what everything is, because it's all from Africa. First, Gina asks, "what's this?" about a cylinder that looks like a tree branch and Tina (our dark friend) replies, "it's a pen!" She then showcases the prowess of this tree branch by drawing, yes, a lion. It was probably the only animal she was exposed to in her tribe.

They then go on to ask, "what's this?" about this odd giraffe/monkey thing. Tina exclaims, "It's a cup!" and fakes like she's pouring some liquid AIDS into their cup or something. I wish I had a screen shot of how absurd her house looked. There was a tribal doll next to the bookcase, which was full of African junk. All sorts of earthy colors and zebras and the like. Really disappointing, Korea.

The effects of a homogeneous society at work, folks...

Marchee Madness

2011-03-29T08:15:00.002+09:00

This post has more than one objective. First, I want to relate to you my weekend in some disjointed way. So, I should really begin with my Saturday. I have no adequate pictures of the actual event, so I took this one of Tarzan with a monkey to subsidize it. Saturday marked the day after the 30th anniversary of a friend's birth, so we headed to Herb Hillz (read: Herb-euh Hill-jeuh), the eco-theme park in Southern Daegu. The relevance of the preceding Tarzan/monkey vine swinging paper mache statue is that the big draw in Herb Hillz (when herbs are not sprouting out of the dirt) is the eco-challenge. No, not some bullshit Captain Planet "recycling saves kittens" scheme, but a physical challenge involving rope climbing, zip lining, and pedaling a bike along a narrow platform 50 feet above the ground.

Of course, you are strapped in as though you are climbing the Aggrocrag, but it's still quite fun and, at times, scary. Indeed, by the end of it, the endorphin rush I got forced a smile to my otherwise stolid or scowling face.

The second objective is to point out two funny things I saw, also on Saturday. The first was at Herb Hillz (read: Herb-euh Hill-jeuh, remember?). Here you go:

Clearly, they are attempting Superman, but what makes it work on a whole new level is that "sopa" is the Korean word for "sofa" because they can't pronounce F. So, the obese female cut out clearly just needs help getting her fat ass off the couch for the pizza delivery guy. And I'm totally stealing Sopaman's line the next time someone asks me for help. "Hey, girl OK!"

The second was at a friend's apartment. Yesssss:

I, too, am anti-calculus. I assume that with the application of this paste, you become impervious to functions. Now, before we run away with this one, we should be aware that calculus can also mean tartar, and that was obviously the intention here. However, if you ever see an American toothpaste with "anti-calculus" on it, please let me know and I'll kick my own teeth in (and all the calculus that comes with them). It seems more like a political statement than a feature, doesn't it? This toothpaste is pro-subsidized healthcare, anti-communism, and anti-calculus

On Sunday, I didn't even get dressed. That's how I roll.

Ugh, I have a food baby.

Bob Dylan Wants To Kill Me

2011-03-24T08:07:00.005+09:00

So, I've been back in Korea for a month and some change now. In that time, I have begun to have the same type of vivid, strange dreams I had been having last year when I first got here. I'm starting to think that it's not because of a sudden, drastic change in my living environment, but of a seasonal change in me...or the weather or something, I dunno. Maybe it's a nice little nightly postcard from Fukushima. Too soon?

Anyway, these dreams have ranged the whole spectrum of human emotion from slapstick comedy to romance to heartbreak to experiencing whatever my brain perceives is the sensation of death. Last night I had a dream that was somewhat tongue-in-cheek. I dreamt that Bob Dylan wanted to kill me. No, not the young, snarling, Like A Rolling Stone Bob Dylan, but the decrepid, nefarious, Dick Dastardly-esque Bob Dylan.

Oh, sorry, wrong picture.

MUTTLEYYYYYYY!!!!

So, Bob Dylan is trying to kill me for whatever reason (in fact, I don't remember if there was one), and someone in the dream had the clairvoyance to inform me that Bobby was planning to pay me a visit to take me to the cleaners. So, it is dark and I am living in a random cabin reminiscent of the one I spent the first seven years of my life in, and I see a black van pull up in the yard. I duck and hide because for some reason I'm afraid of Bob Dylan. I mean maybe he's got a gun, I don't know. Of course, it is a false alarm for dramatic effect.

Then another black van pulls up in dream time 5 minutes later or whatever. Same routine, I hide below the window sill line. Suddenly, I see this brick with a note rubber banded to it sail toward my window in what I thought was slow motion. Turns out, Bobby just threw it so softly that it just bounced off the window screen and then high-tailed it out of there, I guess in embarrassment. I never got to read the letter. I was hoping it would be a valid explanation of his Christian rock phase.

Berries and Leaves

2011-03-21T13:34:00.006+09:00

So I have two experiences to relate to you folks and they both regard dinner with Koreans. The first took place last Wednesday. The week prior, I had drunkenly promised one of my male co-workers that I would go to dinner with him. To ice the cake, he requested that I invite my girlfriend (I know, I never mentioned it before on the blogosphere, but it's true. I am a taken man). I made the request with her and it was accepted. Wait a week.

We went out to 갈매기살 집 (some galmaegisal place) and had a pleasant enough dinner. Our third wheel did not possess the highest calibre of English, but the power of translation helped. We went to a bar afterwards (that I had unknowingly and indirectly introduced him to several months ago), and this is where the mood (at least for me) changed. While sipping on our last beer of the night, he says, almost verbatim, "Frankly, I don't think Koreans should date foreigners." Well, that sure is a nice thing to say when out on the town with a Korean/foreigner couple.

The next day, my girlfriend tells me that he was asking her things in Korean like, "What does your father think?" throughout the night. I was "frankly" taken aback because he had always been a nice guy, and we were in a foreigner bar when he said it. One that he has been to before, most likely with the unrealistic and hypocritical goal of picking up Western girls.

Let me pause there for some commentary. If you didn't know racism existed here, you do now. It's also much more blatant and accepted than in America. I've been to a couple of places that have refused to serve us because they are "Korean only" establishments. Even after that, I still believe people are entitled to their opinion, however bigoted and ignorant. Just don't say or do things that upset the balance, you know? I am used to it and can easily shrug it off and generally I think the pros of Korea far outweigh the cons, but I can only imagine what it's like for a Korean dating a foreigner. The general disapproval of the parents and the looks they sometimes get in public. It's gotta be tough. This topic deserves its own post, really, so let me move on to the happy ending (no, America, my co-worker does not get impaled with a stalactite a-la Cliffhanger).

In case you needed a visual.

Fast forward to Friday, when at 9 PM sharp I step into my frequented hair salon (no such things as barber shops [except ones doubling as brothels, so legit men get they hair did at hair salons, too]) to meet "the guy who cuts my hair" for sushi. He closes up (read: left his wife to cut peoples' hair) and we head to his brother's sushi restaurant.

I am going to venture to say that my Korean and his English are on par. I think our conversation was mostly in Korean and hand gesture language, but through it I learned that he was a really nice guy and it wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it would be. We talked about life and baseball and food and all that, and it was pleasant. On top of all that, he does a good job of cutting my hair whenever I go into his salon.

So, the redeeming ending is here: after talking about his wife he asked me if I had a girlfriend. Still stinging from Wednesday, I reluctantly said yes. Is she Korean? Err, yes. Turns out, he was really happy about it, wanted to meet her, and talked about how good it was that I was dating. He said, essentially, "I hope you marry because Korean women are the best!" I, of course, laughed. However you read into it though, it was a genuine and nice statement that brought my approval of people into the positive a little more.

To sum up, in case you didn't gather: There are people who are ignorant jerks everywhere, whether it be due to lifestyle difference or difference of opinion or whatever. However, for every one of them, there are multiple people who would give you the shirt off their backs despite the fact that you have next to nothing in common with them. Those are the ones you should remember despite your mind being biologically hardwired to remember what berries and leaves to avoid in the forest...

Apsan...OWNED

2011-03-14T08:09:00.004+09:00

Look at that stunning panorama shot of the muggy, yellow dust infested skyline of Daegu from afar. That's what the commanding views from atop Apsan (or Ap Mountain for those who only now know that "san" in Korean means "mountain") offer you after a surprisingly arduous hike or a quick cable car ride wherein you pay money and stand.

And I had forgotten about the random gym/playground that rests in the woods about a quarter of the way up: Who climbs into the woods a kilometer upwards to go work out? Granted, just about everybody was using it as a rest stop and not for its intended purpose (except for all those meddling kids!). Still, I can't help but wonder if there was some government mentality that they would be raising a legion of super soldiers who trained by climbing mountains and then working out at the conveniently placed gym. Or, maybe it's a coincidental relic from the Korean War. I don't know.

Anyway, so Sunday some friends and I made the journey to Apsan Park on a whim to conquer a mountain. Conquer a mountain we did. If you remember from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I came here with my landlord Mr. Lee and we began the trek only to turn around a quarter of the way up (before the hard part) due to inclement weather. I now wonder if he was saving face and really wanted to turn around because it was, indeed, too difficult for a 60 year old jolly landlord. Although I wonder, I still doubt. That man may very well be capable of flight. He was keeping up with me admirably on the route that we took and probably would have surpassed me on the steeper incline. I digress. Back to my journey Sunday.

Once you get to the top (if you get to the top) you are rewarded with a stunning view of trees and sky. What you thought was the end of your journey is just a change. Now, after climbing straight up for 2.4 kilometers, you must make your way across three more mountain peaks to reach the end, where the cable car sits to whisk you back down. This is where the views lay:

You can just about make out me house from there, but it's a little to the right of this picture, most likely behind that shrubby little mountain top. But I did like Daegu's Woobang Tower and Duryu Park that I got in it.

Luckily, they have a restaurant (actually two) on the top of the mountain to satisfy your now ravenous apetite. You better like Korean food though.

Snippets Frommamind 2: Gellin' Like Magellan...which is a stupid rhyme in the first place

2011-03-07T14:48:00.004+09:00

So, I have to skirt the issue of racism here by saying that many Koreans I know will, when walking somewhere, often take a strange "short cut" that is not a short cut. I can't quite explain why. Just the other day, I saw some teachers walking to school only a few meters in front of me (for those who measure things in terms of football fields, they were a few yards ahead of me). Instead of walking the way I always take to school (which was straight and directly in front of them), they cut left and disappeared down a back alley. When they re-emerged next to the school, I was ahead of them. Perhaps they stopped to tie a shoe or save a dying kitten, but I doubt it. That's not the first time this has happened.

Again, I can't explain why this happens. Thus, I over-applied and over-generalized this strange little quirk to account for the Western discovery of the "New World." The reason Koreans did not discover America is because they tried getting there via short cuts.

He's scowling because he just tried kimchi for the first time.

Anyway, I've kind of worn this thought out.

Blasts From The Past

2011-03-03T09:39:00.006+09:00

Ladies, ladies, ladies. I'm about to disclose some information to you. Before I do, and before you get on your preachy soap box about how I could be doing more important things with my time, let me remind you of the hours you spend in front of the mirror applying make-up for God-knows-what reason. There, I feel more justified with my actions. I, friends and family, bought one of these: What is that, you ask? It's a Playstation 3. Don't gimme no lip. I'll list the reasons why I bought it.

1. I can play video games. New ones that are shiny and include lots and lots of gratuitous violence.

2. I can stream media from my laptop to my Playstation/crappy crappy TV (pictured here:)

via wireless internets. How spiffy is that?

3. It's a money saver! Yes, it cost money to buy, but now that I have it, instead of going out to drink all the time, I can stay in and drink all the time! Whee!

4. No more pesky friends!

5. Works great as a bookend for all those books that I'll never read now that I have a Playstation.

6. It is powered by enriched uranium.

7. Outside? What's that?

Ok, ok, I'm exaggerating. I'm not a game crazy kid (anymore), and can honestly say I've logged about two hours on the thing since I bought it a few days ago.

The main reason for this blog post, nestled in the fluff I have already presented to you, is to inform you of a blast from the past. Did I spend last night playing that expensive new gadget I bought? No, I spent last night playing Super Nintendo games with a free emulator on my laptop. It wasn't even my idea. My friend downloaded it onto my computer without my knowledge or consent. He does that sometimes. The only consolation is that I hooked up my PS3 controller to it. Anyone remember this gem?:

Or this one?:

I hated Dragon Chan more than brussel sprouts. Ah, the memories. I'm personally excited to bust out Sim City and Super Mario World or something...but I should really consider spending time with people/away from a screen.

I guess my next purchase, after I figure out how to send those SNES games to my Playstation (for free, of course), is a TV. Damn...then I'll never go outside.

Snippets Frommamind 1: Ugly Pan

2011-03-02T14:46:00.002+09:00

I'm going to try a different direction with some posts. Short and to the point, they are...Snippets Frommamind (is that a jolly hobbit name or is it just me?).

If you met a man who looked remarkably like this: ...what would you do?

The particular man I refer to owns a restaurant that has tasty, tasty donkatsu. I struggle to finish it anyway. And it ain't because the rice is filling.

Things

2011-02-28T11:16:00.006+09:00

Things I did in Amurrica:

I shot guns.

I saw the Oscar Meyer Weiner-mobile.I ate everything I wanted to.

I drank everything I wanted to.

I went to the National Portrait Gallery. Who can tell me who this guy is? High five for the right answer.

I went to Annapolis, MD for the first time.

I sawr all my friends. I don't know who these people are, actually.

I went up the Washington Monument, the phallus of Washington itself.
Look at that there reflectin' pool, mama! Ain't it purtty?

I witnessed a forest fire (that only you could have prevented). Those ain't clouds!

I ate crab at the oldest fish wharf in Amurrica. The Anthony Bordain tour of DC, to be exact.

I saw the Korean War Memorial Looks just like Korea!

Things I Did Since Being Back In Korea:

I slept.
I ate.
I drank.
I took a few poops.
I got a new camera.

Hey, look at these neat panorama pictures it can do! This one is my classroom. The next one is my street.

Ooh! Vertical! That'll come in handy!

Also, it's waterproof (up to 3 meters [the actual reason I bought it]). Ok, you got me. I bought it because it has a fish eye lens option. Gimmicks! Gimmicks! Yeah, the picture quality is about right at average, but that's OK for what I want it for and the amount of money I spent. Actually I just now discovered a bunch of other options on it that are totally unnecessary, but hey, why not? You only live twice.

Stay tuned on World Class Flaneur for exciting tales of haberdashery, glasnost, and Pete Doherty!

2011-02-23T09:00:00.002+09:00

Ok, now that I've effectively lost all my readers due to inactivity (which is understandable. I wouldn't want to read some unreliable hack either), I can start saying what I really think about stuff. Um...stuff is stupid. Remember that one time stuff asked your sister out and totally thought he had a chance? Psh, what an idiot.

Alright, so I didn't update even once in the month I was in the United States of America. Is there some deliberate, intricate plan as to why this took place? If you consider laziness and a stark change in both atmosphere and priorities a deliberate, intricate plan then yes. I am the Intricate Deliberator. I should have my own buddy cop movie co-starring Jim Belushi.

Speaking of Jim Belushi, I read an entire book yesterday while in transit across the Earth. It was David Cross's I Drink For A Reason. That guy doesn't like Jim Belushi. At least he's funny though.

So, highlights from my trip to America:

I destroyed America. So if you're wondering why there is this big, gaping sea where there used to be land...that was me. Sorry guys. I didn't know it would ruin your day.

Seriously though, I got to see just about everybody I intended to see, although I got to see none of them as much as I would have liked. I got to eat just about all the things I missed while in Korea, although I got to eat none of them as much as I would have liked. I got to sleep on all the sofas I wanted to sleep on, although I slept on them all much more than I would have liked. All in all, it felt like a vacation from vacation at times, and other times it just felt like life. I wasn't in some exotic locale. I was home.

In fact, I feel like I don't have much to say about my month long adventure in Virginia/DC/Maryland (Maryland being last for a reason...). I did do one new thing: I went up the Washington Monument.

Anyway, give my rusty mind/hands a break as we gear up to get back into what the blogging thing is all about. I will turn the crank that gets the gears to start turning. I might need to add some 10W-30 up in here though. Just wanted to let you know that I returned safely to Korea...as if you cared.

Good Morning, America. How Are You?

2011-01-21T08:53:00.003+09:00

I got four out of the five "Korean Culture" posts finished that I wanted to complete. Not bad. I'm giving up on the last one, "Lifestyle" or "Lyfestylez" as I like to call it, because there is simply too much to include. It is a complex beast to tackle a "lifestyle" vignette when, frankly, I'm just biding my time until my plane leaves.

Thus, I am scrapping it and moving on to: Coming To America. No, not the Eddie Murphy movie. The Steve Holcomb movie. And this movie is a month long. Try sitting down with a bag of popcorn and watching that, you stupid. Oh, I totally got you good. To make sure there is no confusion between Eddie Murphy and myself (I get that all the time...), I will call it Coming To America: America Edition.

The butterflies are just beginning to emerge as I have only one night of sleep before embarking on my long, long journey through time and space. On Saturday morning at 8:00 AM, I depart from Busan's Gimhae International Airport bound for Narita in Tokyo. There, I have a pretty uneventful layover before my 14 or so hour flight to Dallas and finally my last flight to Dulles. I do not look forward to the journey because of both the amount of time it will take me to fly and the airline on which I'm doing it. I will be flying with American Airlines.

I have not yet had the displeasure of flying with them, however I have heard nothing but bad things about the experience. I have been somewhat spoiled in the past couple of years with my choice of airlines always being foreign. British Airways is superb, Swiss Air is equally so, and Korean Air makes me a little weak in the knees with how courteous they are. I think the two things that make an airline great are personal media (screens on the seat back that you can control and watch whatever you want, whenever you want) and free alcohol/food. By law, American Airlines has to feed us on the trans-Pacific flight, but I'll be tickled pink if I get anything on that domestic flight from Dallas.

Hell, I'm flying with JAL Express, the Japanese Express Airline, to Tokyo and my two hour flight gets a free snack. There is no mention of such a luxury on my domestic flight to Dulles, as it only says "food for purchase" in the flight description. So generous, those AA folks, allowing me to buy food like that. It's the best because I'll be coming off of 20 or so hours of being awake and flying in three different countries, so I'm sure I'll handle that inconvenience well. I guess I'll have to scarf something down in the Dallas airport or woo a flight attendant or something.

As my final Korean post for at least a month, I will leave you with this one last picture someone found in this glorious country. I cannot claim it as my own:

The More You Know: Korean Tourism

2011-01-20T08:52:00.002+09:00

Now, judging by the title, I would say the following is about Koreans on tour. You know, the big bus group led by the megaphone wielding tour guide, whisking the visor donning masses around to every little enclave and detail at each historical site. Well, if it were about that, I'd end my post right there because I've just summed up Korean tourism.

No, today I'm referring to touring around Korea. What does Korea have to offer the average foreign tourist? If you're the average foreign tourist, you may be asking yourself, "Where is Korea?" I don't blame you for asking that question. Although I haven't been able to relate to that question since maybe 5th grade, I would like to point out the public's general ignorance to Korea and it's cultural heritage sites because it is not the public's fault. It is Korea's fault. Their growing tourism industry has...mishandled marketing in the past. There are still many instances of manhandling what could be a pretty rich tourism market in the future.

The first problem is not the Koreans' faults. I give them complete immunity from charges on this one. The first problem is that many, if not a vast majority of, tourist sites have been destroyed in the past. I have relayed information on Korea's vast history of being invaded, and since invaders are generally not privy to what's important culturally, the peninsula has laid in shambles more often than Courtney Love.

You will often go to a site that originally was built before William Wallace's parents taught him to bellow "Freedom!" Unfortunately, throughout history it has probably been burnt to the ground by the Mongols, by the Chinese, by the Japanese, and bombed twice by each side during the Korean War. They will point this out to you readily. I understand that relaying the truth is important, but, Korea, don't be so quick to point out that what we're seeing is a reproduction of the original. That makes it half as exciting, unless there's an awesome story to go with it.

Speaking of which, when you go to the Place de la Concorde in Paris, the first thing you learn about it is that it is the spot where Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette were beheaded. Cool! When you go to the Taj Mahal, you learn very quickly that it was the product of a fascinating love story. Awesome! When you visit the Kremlin in Moscow, besides being able to see a waxy old dead Communist, you know that Ivan the Terrible used to chuck animals and babies off of the walls. Totally tubular! When you go to any Korean historical site, what you will learn is that it is 5015 square feet, constructed in 1362, and has over 11,000 unique carvings in the wood. Meh.

I know fascinating stuff happened in Korea. Kings have been assassinated; heretics have been beheaded; inspiring love stories have taken place; spies have been tortured; for God's sake, they had ninjas! Why don't we hear about this stuff? Because Korea has a hard time with its own history. I can't tell if there is just a blatant disregard for history as "old stuff" or just a general ignorance to its importance, but either way the tourism industry is suffering for it. It feels like they're almost ashamed of their past and compensate by measuring the size of everything.

Hell, even North Korea does it right. Take the Seonjukgyo Bridge for example. A Korean statesman/poet was murdered by Mongol sympathizers on this bridge and there's still the rusty brown blood stain from 800 years ago! Obviously they buy the crimson paint at Home Depot and paint it back on every time it rains, but that's some good marketing if I've ever seen it.

What I'm saying is that Korea needs to up its tourism game. Let's take a look at a couple of Korea's top tourist sites as an example. First...

Namdaemun.

Korea's National Treasure #1. Numero Uno. Its name means "South Big Gate." This site is featured in every tourist publication about Korea and even has its own prime time sitcom. It must be friggin majestic, right?

Oh...it's just a box.

Turns out someone burnt it down two years ago and it's being rebuilt. You know what you do in that case? You find something else to boast about. Advertising a tourist site you can't see is kinda silly, isn't it?

Gyeongju.Gyeongju is an immensely important historical city. It is in the top ten most important ancient cultural cities in the world. Why haven't you heard of it? Good question. The fact that you haven't heard of it is actually a more difficult feat to achieve I think. It's like they went out of their way to assassinate all the people who left Korea to sing its praises. Hmm, I might be in trouble...

The DMZ
The de-militarized zone (what a lie that name is, right?) is probably the most famous part of Korea these days. It's something I plan on doing in the coming year that I haven't gotten around to in the first. I do know some friends who have gone and it seems to be a giant and expensive, but rewarding, hassle. We understand this, as it is the most heavily guarded border in the world. Land mines, soldiers, guns, dogs. It seems like there should be a lot of precaution taken for something like this. Waivers and helmets and photography bans. But wait. Apparently the North Korean side is a big fat cake walk filled with happy rose pedals falling at your feet. The Chinese tourists just roll right up to it and laugh at all the precautions the Southern side has to take. Then again, I suppose it's kind of unheard of for people to sue the North Korean government for being injured at one of their tourist sites. Regardless, why so serious? It's gotta take a toll on tourism. The price of democracy, eh?

At least Korea is on its way to remedying this poor tourism management strategy. Not incredibly long ago, my friend Kristen made me aware of this commercial for Korean Air:

Now, if that doesn't make you want to come to Korea, I don't know what will. You can draw in the desert sand and enjoy a fancy dinner on the wings of an airplane with a sexy librarian or even lie down on a bridge in downtown Seoul. It's probably the coolest thing I can think of this side of James Bond.

The More You Know: Korean Music

2011-01-19T08:24:00.003+09:00

Imagine if the only music you were exposed to consisted of talentless dancing embodiments of the perfect physical specimen lip syncing to a brand of pop music that, due to your country's previous economic instability, skipped the generational shift from rock-pop and went straight to soulless synthesized-bubblegum manufactured by corporations solely for profit. This is modern Korean music.

There are few single artists, yet literally dozens of "boy bands" and "girl bands." It seems with each passing year, each new "model," like a new car model, adds more gimmicks and gadgets to sell more product. Over the course of the year I have been here, I have been exposed to a number of Korean pop idols. I have heard all of the following songs at some point or another (I think...a lot of them do sound the same), and, admittedly, some have grown on me due to their catchiness and repetitive bombardment whenever in public. I will let you know when I mention one that has captured what's left of my hollow, withered heart. As far as I can gather, here are the top ten most famous Korean pop artists in order of number of members:

2NE1

If you say it real fast, it sounds like "twenty-one." Clever, right? This four person girl group is what I assume the equivalent of early nineties TLC without the soul and with a lot more fake crap. At least I think that's what they're trying to be. Upon closer inspection, I assume they're simply trying not to be retarded.

2AM

2AM is a four piece ballad group that sprung from the previous group "One Day" in 2008. "One Day" stemmed from a goddamn TV show. I know it's hard to tell, but this is a boy band. Try not to cry when they tell you how much they miss you in Korean.

Wonder Girls

Ok, now we get to the first girl group whose song I can tolerate/somewhat enjoy. This is because I've heard it so many times and my brain recognizes that as repeated exposure. Yet my mind, my damned mind, enjoys the catchy chorus. Let it be known that I'm not the only non-Korean to enjoy this catchy tune. In 2009, this song became the first song by a Korean group to enter the Billboard Top 100 at number 76. I find myself clapping along when it comes on. It also helps that each of the five Wonder Girls is perfect physically. But, damn it! That's not supposed to be important! Those damn record labels are good at what they do.

Big Bang

Big Bang (or BIGBANG if you care about that sort of thing) is a five piece "boy" band that is proud to claim G-Dragon, the one member who was accused of plagiarism twice on his solo output. He's the biggest douche in the video. I know it's hard to tell which one is the biggest douche, but he's there, I assure you. And his name is G-Dragon. Come on. Anyway, I don't know a whole lot more about these guys except that they, also sadly, came from a TV show.

Kara

The few things I know about Kara is that they have five members, were featured on Pizza E-Tang's pizza boxes, and were transfixed on the TV one time at Snow Bar in Daegu. Other than that, I bet if you switched the members of Kara with the members of any of the previously mentioned girl groups, I wouldn't be able to tell so long as they sang Kara tunes. I do think they are being marketed as the "cutsiest" of the groups. Here's "Lupin," a catchy one that I kinda like.

Beast

Beast is a six person boy group that doesn't seem to understand the line between men's and women's fashion. Standing for "Boys of the EAst Standing Tall" (wtf, mate?), Beast is easily (and that's saying something huge) the most effeminate boy band I know. That makes their name pretty ironic at that point, acronym or no. Here's a song for you incorrectly called "Breath." I believe they meant "Breathe" as that is what they say in the chorus.

2PM

Yes, we saw 2AM up there, and this is no typo. If you recall, 2AM sprung from a crap pile called "Big Day." Well, so did 2PM. It was a six/four split, making "Big Day" a ten person pile of crap. While 2AM took on the role of ballads, 2PM went more the route of ballad disguised as electronica dance music backing faux hip hop and a minimally catchy chorus. Have you noticed my trend between liking and disliking a Korean group? Anyway, here's their song for you.

T-ara

Pronounced "tiara," this seven member group has seven members who are younger than me. Two of them are under eighteen. Just making their debut in 2009, they are "last year's model." It seems 2009 was the year of "more is better." Five wasn't cutting it any more, so they added two more to round it out to a nice even (or lucky?) seven. They came out with this hit called "I Go Crazy Because of You" and it hasn't even slowed down since I first heard it. Probably the third most popular song in Asia.

Girls Generation (소녀시대)

The original Samsung go-to hit maker, Girls Generation has been around for ages: since 2007. That's ancient in the Korean hit making world. They hold the record for longest charting single in Korea with "Gee" running for 9 consecutive weeks. Also, Samsung is a follower of the "more is better" camp as well, as Girls Generation has 9 members, and I can name two of them. Is that scary? Anyway, this is probably the song I've heard the most in Korea, ever. Ke$ha did an English remake of it, it was so popular. Run Devil Run.

Super Junior

Not to be topped by mere women, the boys win for most members in a band with Super Junior. They need thirteen talentless hacks to win the hearts of adolescent girls everywhere. Not surprisingly, they are also a product of the Samsung Corporation. Bigger is better. This song is the reason that most students know the English word "sorry." Seriously. I'm not kidding you.

So, have you noticed a trend? Yes, I like all the girl bands and none of the boy bands. So what? They all had plastic surgery anyway. They're manufactured to be attractive. It's all about image, right? The trend I was referring to is that each song consists of a Korean verse and a partially English chorus. I can't argue with that in that it helps kids learn English, but it's pretty much guaranteed drivel that they will forget in less than a year and it will also tear away at their soul. I wonder if there's a kid in Korea who likes Led Zeppelin or Thin Lizzy. I'm not gonna hold my breath (breathe?).

By the way, I'm jam.

The More You Know: Korean Holidays

2011-01-18T08:53:00.001+09:00

Like America, Korea has a series of national holidays wherein people don't have to go to work and all the children rejoice from the mountain tops holding bonbons and spiced cider. Let's go over the major ones and call it a day...a...holiday. Har har har!

Starting at at the beginning of the year:

January 1st. New Years Day.

This day was much more like the American version than I suspected. Below, when I get to Christmas, or if you read my Christmas post earlier, you will see that I was expecting just another day. Many things are open, and unlike America, things do not close early on New Year's Eve, however, many things are closed and the day has a lazy feel the same as in America. There's the countdown and the obligatory drunken partying that takes place anywhere else in the world.

February 3rd (this year). Lunar New Year.

This, the only holiday I haven't experienced in Korea, is said to be in line with the most important holidays of Korea. Having known a few Asians once, I can verify that this day is really important. Not only do Koreans get three days off for this special time, traveling anywhere in Asia is a nightmare, not to mention expensive. Reminiscent of Christmas, anyone? It is also like Christmas in that parents give their children gifts (usually moneys) on this day.

March 1st. Independence Day.

In 1919, Korea declared independence from Japan and set up a provincial government based out of Shanghai, China. It wasn't until the end of World War II that they actually achieved some independence. This is akin to when we Yanks declared our independence from the Britons in 1776, yet still had to fight a war until 1783 (technically). This day is celebrated by flag raisings and ceremonies, the contents of which are fuzzy and lost in my memory.

May 5th. Children's Day.

This is actually an international holiday that is somehow not celebrated in the US. Why not? It's a day off of work. It is a holiday that is summed up exactly in its name. The day is to celebrate children as the bright, Facebook and computer game addicted future of the world. As it's fairly close to the beginning of good weather in Korea, many people, including ol' Number One here, spend it in the park with famiry (well, Number One minus the family).

May 10th (this year). Buddha's Birthday.

The lead up to this holiday is kind of like Christmas without all the sales and commercials. Well, what's left? Good point. I guess I mean the religious aspect of it. Everyone gets the buildings all decorated out and the temples are spruced up with effigies of a fat Asian guy and lanterns and everyone just gets down to it. What "it" is, I still have yet to determine.

August 15th. Liberation Day.

Man, how cool would it be if America had two Independence Days? Like when the Treaty of Paris was signed on September 3rd of 1783, we celebrated "Liberation Day"? I guess that would be too close to Labor Day, right? So what!? Let's make it happen! Anyway, I'm unsure which date this refers to. On this day in 1945, Hirohito announced the surrender of Japan. On this day in 1948, the Republic of Korea was established. I suppose it's the former based on the name, but it depends on how you look at it.

September 12th (this year). Chuseok.

In Korean, Chuseok means "Chuck Norris' birthday." It is the mother and father of Korean holidays. Akin to our Thanksgiving (and Canada's, unfortunately), this three day festival celebrates family and food. For me, it called for a trip to Japan. When I got back, every Korean was noticeably fatter and happier. I like that. Closer to resembling Buddha every year.

October 3rd. National Foundation Day.

Ok, imagine if we had three Independence Days. July 4th, Declaration Day; September 3rd, Liberation Day; May 14th, Foundation Day (Jamestown). It's a triumvirate of American spirit that would renew the vigor of patriotism long since lost and replaced by a marauding out of control capitalist greed. Anyway, in Korea this day represents the day the Gojoseon Dynasty was created (the first state of the Korean nation in 2333 BC). In Korean, this day is called 개천절, which means "Heaven Opened Day" (thank you, Wikipedia). They sure are modest, aren't they?

December 25th. Christmas Day.

This is a strange, strange day in Korea. To understand why, we must first see that the nation is traditionally Buddhist and only in the last 40 years has Christianity noticeably grown to around a 30% following. As such, they're still getting used to the whole Christ thing. This day is strange in that the lead up to it is minimal. I understand that cutting down trees is illegal here since after the Korean war, Korea didn't have any trees left and they cherish them and import their lumber from China, thus making the concept of "Christmas tree" a little foreign. Yes, you will sometimes see Christmas lights on trees. Yes, you will also sometimes see holiday sales going on in stores. But you and I both know that these two things combined are nothing close to the fervor and stress that is created in North America during the month of December. In fact, the most people I had seen out shopping was actually on Christmas. Since stores are open, they have the option to wait to buy gifts until the actual day as opposed to midnight Christmas Eve. Other than the increase in shoppers, Christmas this year seemed like a normal Saturday. It's a couple day, where couples will do things together, even leaving their children at home to be together.

On that romantic notion, I get to a few "unofficial" holidays in Korea.

February 14th. Valentine's Day.

This is different from the American version in that on this day only women give their partner a sign of their love in the form of a gift. Why this takes place is answered by the following day:

March 14th. White Day.

When the men give their partner a sign of their love in the form of a gift. What if you have no significant other? Well, there's a day for you too:

April 14th. Black Day.

On this day, all the single people who received nothing on either of the preceding 14ths go to the local Chinese restaurant and eat black noodles (자장면) and mourn their single life. Seriously, I'm being serious.

May 8th. Parent's Day.

Whereas we combine the possibility of both a man's and woman's separate love holiday in America, Korea combines the possibility of both a mother's and a father's separate appreciation day into one holiday. Similar to both Mother's and Father's Day though, children spend the day ignoring their parents and avoiding plans to take them to dinner while parents just end up celebrating each other.

November 11th. Pepero Day.

A much more somber and serious day in America, November 11th is celebrated in Korea by all the happy little children giving out chocolate dipped cookie sticks called "Pepero" to all their friends. This is the equivalent of a "Hallmark" holiday in that one company, Lotte, has a stranglehold on the market since they are the official makers of Pepero. They also do 55% of their sales during the lead up to this holiday. It is celebrated on November 11th because 11/11 looks like four Pepero sticks standing on end. How quaint.

I'm on a roll, baby. Check back tomorrow to see if I'm butter or jam.

The More You Know: Korean Food

2011-01-17T08:52:00.008+09:00

Hey there, kids. I'm back in action this last week to inform you, the American news-making public (let's not get into that one, Sarah Palin), about the most important things in my life. Since my last week was about as exciting as staff meeting on the latest Excel updates, I'll spare you. Seriously, I'd rather go into the minimal knowledge I have of macros than explain the banality of my week. So, I will instead foray (the dictionary definition of foray is much more violent than I had previously assumed) into the world of Korean culture. This series is a year in the making, really. I have obviously explored the topic with you all before, as I'm living in the damn country, but never in this way, I think.

I will cover with you what I covered with my students about American culture, starting with food. I will, of course, use English that is above a kindergarten level (but not above a 6th grade level) and use jokes that may be inappropriate for the age group mentioned above (read: adults). Here we go. With pictures.

Korean food is a complex beast. First of all, there's the language difference wherein the words used to name these dishes oftentimes mean something and can be recycled in different incarnations, as opposed to having a different name for every little dish we create.

When I first got here, I was unaware of this complexity. I was then a vegetarian, and my options seemed to consist of two things:

Bibimbap. Bibimbap is the vegetarian go-to. It is a bowl, sometimes hot depending on which version you get (in both temperature and spiciness), filled with rice and topped with vegetables and sometimes an egg. The sauce is what makes it delicious and I can't quite tell you what it is. If I were to guess, though, I'd say it had something to do with fish oil and bean paste. Please note that these pictures are the Emeril Legasse version of the real thing you get in the restaurant.

Kimbap.To the uninitiated, this will look like standard sushi without the fish. If you go to Japan and you see sushi that looks like this, it's not sushi and you're the big giant asshole who thinks it is. This is the "I just got my Starbucks and I'm late for work" meal. Being uncooked, it takes less than a minute to prepare and comes in a few different flavors to satisfy the pickier clientele. The tuna kimbap is killer diller.

As mentioned above, you may notice both those dishes end with -bap. Bap is Korean for rice. Both of these dishes are based on rice. Hmm. Complex stuff we're "foraying" into.

Initially, my options were limited due to lack of knowledge of vegetarian options and general laziness. I, of course, was introduced early to this magical side dish.

Kimchi.I say magical because, depending on who you ask, kimchi has the power to end all sickness forever. A common treatment for avian flu, kimchi's health properties are about as debated as fan death. One interesting thing I did recently learn about was that Health magazine named kimchi one of the top five healthiest foods out there (check me out with my links. But seriously, click them all or you'll miss out, and who wants that?). What is kimchi? Kimchi comes in many forms and flavors (just kimchi dishes could take up its own post alone), but normally it is cabbage that is fermented in some kind of fish oil that generates the same properties as yogurt mixed with a multi-vitamin and Hulk Hogan's 24" pythons. It cures cancer, it shoots Nazis, it dices, it slices, and it can go into SPACE. Take that, Burger King cheeseburger deluxe.

Alas, it is now a commonly known fact that I have deviated away from my once noble path of vegetarianism. I gave it the ol' college try, though. Since walking into the devil's kitchen, I have also entered a whole new world of cuisine. Let's discuss. First, let's talk about Korean barbecue.

Korean barbecue is a world as vast as kimchi. I will name a few options that have treated my taste buds well thus far. First, my favorite.

Galmaegisal.
Galmaegisal comes from the part of the pig which could possibly be labeled its armpit. But it's so damn tasty you would swear it came from a cow. I'm serious. People will refuse to believe me that it comes from a pig after they eat it.

Some other favorites (which, granted, look remarkably like the above picture so there's no need to post new pics of each one) include so-galbi, daegi-galbi, samgyeopsal, and makchang.

Makchang gets a special shout out (picture included) because it is a unique one. It is from a different part of the pig. The inside part. The part that makes the poop. The large intestine. Eww, so gross! No, it's not. They treat it first so it doesn't smell or really look like it should, and when you cook it, it takes on a little bit of a chewy quality that is endearing, not a chewy quality that is revolting. Plus, it supposedly originated in Daegu, defying both evolutionists and creationists.

I suppose we should delve into the world of street food and send out the seasonal dishes as a closer.

Street food. Street food is heaven for drunk people. Those early AM runs to McDonald's are (mostly) a thing of the past when you've got a sassy old ajumma cooking up some street meat for you on the cheap. Not all the standards are included in this picture, but at least the sassy ajumma is.

The most common is ddeokbokki. This is basically a bowl full of small rice cakes in a Spaghetti-Os sauce. It's the red platter in the middle of the pic. It is often mixed with mandu (Korean dumplings, also in the pic) to create a symphony of fried flavors. One of my personal favorites is the livers lathered in more mystery sauce. And don't even get me started on the dessert options.

Seasonal Eats.

There are a few dishes that are offered year round, yet most Koreans don't order it unless it is the right season to do so. Here are a few.

Naengmyun.Naengmyun is a summer dish because it is a cold bowl of noodles. There are ice cubes in it. At first, it feels like you are eating old leftovers that couldn't even be bothered to be heated up in the microwave, but eventually it comes into its own as a veritable dish. Noodles, vegetables, and an egg on top, it is reminiscent of a cold soupy version of bibimbap. But it's different, I say.

Samgyetang.
Tang means soup in Korean. Not that crappy orange drink you know it as, tang is pronounced more like "tong." Samgyetang means "three layer soup" and that's precisely what it is. It's a whole chicken (albeit a small runt) stuffed with rice and ginseng, with sometimes a date or two thrown in. It is traditionally a dish that is to be had three times in one summer for health. Once at the beginning, once in the middle, and once at the end. I somehow stuck to this methodology despite how tasty it is.

Gamjatang.Again the "tang" at the end. This is more like a stew. A good, hearty winter food. Upon first glance, it looks like it should taste like a fart, but upon ingestion inspection it reveals itself as much more than an average Sunday night football game at your Uncle Joe's. It's quite tasty, although the presence of difficult-to-work-with bones will be off putting to those traditional American cuisine aficionados.

This post is long enough without delving into Korea's version of Chinese food or the kuksu class of food. Thus, I will spare you. Check back tomorrow if I'm feeling squirrely.

The Soul of Asia

2011-01-10T07:31:00.003+09:00

There comes a time in every young man's life when he must say goodbye. Sometimes the goodbyes are easy. When you really don't care for someone, it doesn't take much energy to brush them off your life's shoulder forevermore. When they swindle their way into your black little heart and nuzzle up to it, sometimes scraping it with their stubble, it becomes an entirely different operation to say goodbye.

Thus, I went to Seoul this weekend to grant a fare thee well to several friends who live in the Seoul area. They will be moving on to greener pastures as they say (not the same they, a different they from the subject they). This blog post will weave the rather uninteresting story of my journey there.

I came up on Friday in a pack of four, saving 40% of my ticket price. We immediately went to Incheon and found Rio's, the bar hosting my sought company. Things happened there that normally happen in a foreigner bar in Korea, thus they need not be recounted in too great detail.

Saturday and Sunday were the bulk of the trip...obviously. Saturday, we:

saw Dongdaemun (finally...).
saw what feminist fashion looks like.
drank very delicious beer that my friend brewed himself and gave to me for Christmas.
had a nutritionally balanced diet.
went to a club/bar that sold mixed drinks in a bucket. Yes, a bucket. This was, perhaps appropriately, where my sad goodbyes took place.

Sunday saw us make our way to the Korea National Museum. It was shnifty enough that I was museumed out afterward. Here are some highlights:

A gazebo on a frozen lake.
A dragon tapestry.
A suit of armor.
A really tall and intricate pagoda.
An intricate tapestry depicting Buddha doing something.
We then unsuccessfully went to Gyeongbokgung, the same palace I visited maybe 8 months prior. It closed in 15 minutes, so we just got a photo op of the front and slinked over to Insadong for some grub.

We ended up having to wait at Seoul Station for an hour and a half and I discovered two things about Seoul Station. The upstairs is full of shopping and a department store. The upstairs is also full of bums and societal degenerates. We spent the hour and a half waiting up there in their midst, feeling never uneasy. Does that say something about us or does that speak to how safe Korea is? You decide. Choose your own adventure. I'll see you soon.

2011. The Man. The Legend. The 150th Blog Post.

2011-01-03T19:02:00.004+09:00

Happy 150th blog post! Oh, thank you.
Happy New Year! What? That happened already?

Ok, yes, I know it happened already. Here's how Daegu rings in the New Year (pun intended):

First, the boys call on their mystical musical instruments.
Then, the girls answer with their mystical hips and hand motions.
Then, the boys and girls get together and create a mystical sensory overload in a whirlwind stage show.Then, at exactly 12:00 the mayor gets to help ring the giant bell with the help of his camera crews and his imperial guard. And then FIREWORKS SHOOTING FROM ROOFTOPS! I have video of this, but no photographs. I can't do both at the same time and it only lasted a couple of minutes. And you know how well it goes when I try to upload video longer than 10 seconds to the inter-webs.

So afterward some friends rented a multi-room, which consists of DVDs, Nintendo Wiis, karaoke, and internet computing. Pretty much like a standard living room in America, except in Korea everyone lives with their parents so they can't enjoy it the same way. And since they did this, I invited myself and crashed their party with my uncouth presence. It only took about an hour of me screaming into a microphone until they all left. It was a good time, indeed. Ideal Friday night.

The rest of the weekend was spent in the fetal position crying at what I've become. Just kidding, I went shyopping! Shut up, betch.

This week I have my first of two weeks of winter camp. Today went well, as I was subbing one day at a different school. That means the lesson was already made up for me. I just had to show up and teach it. Tomorrow is the beginning of my own lessons being showcased. So we'll see if the kids are keen on learning 18th century British law. I hope it's a hit.

Don't Look Back In Anger

2010-12-31T08:53:00.003+09:00

2010. We've had some good times. When I was in your presence, I changed my life dramatically. Over the past 365 days, I've grown as a person immensely. I've seen some crazy things. I've been to 3 new countries and 7 new states I'd never seen before. I've immersed myself into a radically different culture, made leaping strides in learning a second language, expanded my horizons, learned some things about myself, and completed a few projects to add to my legacy.

When I put it that way, it sounds so productive, doesn't it? Yes, I should be proud of myself. Am I? Meh. I started this blog on January 1st, 2010 as a New Year's resolution and I think it may be the only New Year's resolution that I've ever kept. As it's been a part of my life this entire year, I took a little while to look back on the oldest posts in the blog to see how things have changed in my ideologue in 365 days. This is the first time I can measure and chart a change in myself over the course of the year. Granted, it would take a while and be pretty boring to read all those old posts again, but at the same time, It'd be a nostalgic look at my journey.

The top 30 things I've done (and can remember and in no particular order) this year that are not already mentioned above:

I took a cross-country road trip.
I quit a cushy government job and took a major pay cut to pursue personal happiness.
I flew over the Pacific Ocean for the first time.
I experienced what it feels like to teach children for an entire school year.
I para-sailed, snorkeled, kayaked, cave swam, and ATV-ed for the first time.
I experienced World Cup Fever, which doesn't exist in the U.S.
I had my feet eaten by fish.
I got drunk with a group of 50+ year old men who do not speak English.
I took a high speed train.
I took a high speed hydrofoil.
I got completely covered in therapeutic mud.
I saw monkeys having sex.
I saw two monumentally important World War II historic sites, from both the Axis and the Allied side.
I battled with and eventually overcame the worst and largest bug infestation I've ever witnessed.
I ate an octopus that was not fully dead yet.
I pirated a boat.
I attended more than one rooftop soiree.
I bar-tended for a night.
I played "war" for money, and won.
I ordered and received McDonald's delivery.
I prayed to Buddha.
I learned what it's like to live completely alone.
I bought a piece of clothing that cost more than $150.
I saw the greatest fireworks show I've ever seen.
I started eating meat again (yeah, that cat's out of the bag. But damn it's so delicious. And let's be honest, Koreans do it a little more healthily than Americans...and I guess included in that is that I've eaten parts of the pig that are probably illegal to eat in America).
I developed a tolerance for spicy food. In Korea, this is not an option.
I experienced squatter toilets.
I took part in a play for Korean children.
I was on TV...more than once.
I wrote 149 blog posts.

What did you do this year? Honestly, I'm curious. I'm not trying to brag or anything. I'm genuinely curious about your year so spill the beans. Top 30. Top 10 even. It's fun to look back at what you've accomplished. Some of you got married. Some of you had children. Some of you bought a house. Some of you changed your job. Some of you experienced great loss that equates growing as a person. Those certainly trump anything I did this year. But, let's see what 2011 brings, eh?

The Future Is Bright

2010-12-30T16:06:00.003+09:00

Let's talk about this link here. It's referring to my job replacement. If you're too lazy to read it, which I'd guess probably half of you are (I would probably be included in that if I were in your position), I will explain it. The Korean education system is slowly shifting from a mildly autistic happy child to a violently retarded drooling chimpanzee with its latest set of decisions.

I am, of course, exaggerating, but it seems that Korea has taken a serious interest in implementing the use of robots to replace foreign English teachers in the future. Yes, you heard me. Robots. That's good and well, isn't it? Because a robot can deviate from a set pattern of dialogue and tell jokes or inspire a student to learn. A robot can certainly be mobile and explain a game or activity using body language. A robot is an excellent lesson planner. A robot is also certainly capable of properly disciplining a student for misbehavior.

I am, of course, joking. A robot cannot feasibly do any of these things. It can only do one or two of them if it is remotely controlled by a Filipino, as they suggest it may be. The main reason they want to implement this program is the same reason why anyone does stupid things: money. Let's take a look at the last paragraph that borders on insulting:

"Plus, they won't complain about health insurance, sick leave and severance package, or leave in three months for a better-paying job in Japan... all you need is a repair and upgrade every once in a while."

Maybe someone should upgrade and repair your thought processes, brother. We're human beings. Most of us don't complain about things like that, but some of us do. If they'd rather pump money into a barely animate object instead of treating us like human beings with needs, then so be it. They will fall behind in their English ability.

One other thing stood out to me about the article. This:

"Having robots in the classroom makes the students more active in participating, especially shy ones afraid of speaking out to human teachers," Kim said.

Seriously? Let's talk about avoidance issues here (which is part of a larger problem in this country). So, instead of exposing shy students to human teachers to help get over their shyness, you'd rather appease them by giving them a robot instead of a real human being. What's the point of learning a language if you're too afraid to speak it to actual people!? I admit, sometimes I'm a little bashful about speaking Korean to Koreans, but I usually trudge forward. Why? Because I know and every reasonable person knows that making mistakes is part of learning.

Anyway, Korea is going down a silly, fruitless road if they choose to pursue this option in full. This might work in a hagwon environment or a very low level classroom, but to develop a working portfolio of English knowledge, the student must be exposed to native teachers period. They're losing out on 1) mannerisms 2) accents 3) cultural awareness 4) overcoming shyness toward non-Koreans. It could not possibly be adopted in a middle or high school level with any success. I hope they do not commit to doing that in the name of saving a buck. Future generations will suffer.

Merry Un-Christmas

2010-12-28T08:49:00.005+09:00

Yeah, I kind of missed that whole "Merry Christmas Errybody Back Home" obligatory blog post, didn't I? Well, luckily for you, you get this half assed late one instead. Yeah, boyee. Discount bin.

Right, so Merry Christmas. This year was the clear winner for the strangest Christmas I've yet experienced award. Nothing particularly funny or crazy: "Oh, look at that wacky waygook again! All his mind bending misadventures through time and space are probably good for another two or three seasons of viewership before we start exploiting it and introducing his evil brother for another six or seven seasons and then finally cancelling it. Don't forget the reunion special ten years after that either. Milk it, baby!" No, nothing like that.

It was strange in that it just felt like another day. Indeed, it's like it didn't even happen yet because they still play Christmas music in stores and nothing was closed on Christmas. It's clear to me that Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving) is the most important holiday in Korea. In a way, I can understand this. It's not religious based. It's just a time to spend with family, appreciating them and being thankful for life, no strings attached.

I never thought I'd say that I missed the season. We all complain that Christmas commercials and decorations come out earlier each year and we're annoyed by Christmas music by the time Halloween rolls around, but it's strange being on the other end of that. You expect to feel these things each year and when you totally bypass it all, it feels hollow. I didn't get sick of Christmas music this year. I enjoyed singing along to "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" when I heard it only one time. I don't really watch TV because it's usually in a foreign tongue, so I missed all the annoying overplayed Christmas commercials. No Christmas edition snuggy commercials for this guy.

Still, I am thankful that I got to talk to Mom and Sara on Christmas Day and I got to spend the evening with friends. It was really special to be able to have that many lonely foreigners in one room. The only thing missing was the fake fire on the TV and it would have felt like some kind of home.

Other than that, I'm deskwarming this week, so I'll keep it real by watching movies and playing computer games (oh, and a little preparation for camps next week). When I find out what I'm dewing for New Years, I'll let you know. It'll probably be just as exciting as my posts have been for the past 4 months. Gotta keep up the high standard of quality.

World Class Flaneur: Quality, Excellence, A Bullshit Sense of Self-Worth. Since 2010.

I'll Hit You In The Temple, Where It Hurts

2010-12-23T08:10:00.000+09:00

As part of our "End of Year" celebration, or as the Koreans call it, "푸피 팬티" (that's a 2nd grade level joke for the Hangul reading or industrious demographic), we departed our humble elementary school in a charter bus bound for God knows where. I was told that we would be attending a "teacher training" course. For those fellow teachers who have any experience with this will immediately recognize how utterly horrifying this sounds. An hour sitting in a room with Koreans speaking in rapid Korean about teaching probably equates to getting your nipples burnt off by Satan's forked tongue.

Instead, we spent a little over an hour on the bus enjoying a Korean movie called "Panga Panga." I learned that "panga panga" is a "cute" "way" of "saying" "Nice to meet you" in "Korean" (pangap sumnida [반갑습니다]). Basically, from what I gathered, the film is a statement on a very familiar theme to us Americans: discrimination. Yes, they got it over here too. You know who it's against? The foreigners. No, not us white foreigners. They see us as happy leprechauns who will give them pots of gold if they call us "handsome" or "gorgeous" enough times. The foreigners they don't like are the Pilipinas, the Thai, the Vietnamese. Sound familiar? *cough*Mexicans*cough* In the end, however, everyone wins and gets to stay in Korea legally and the protagonist (I don't remember which SE Asian country he's from) gets the Filipino girl (he'd never dare fall in love with a pure Korean woman). The proudest moment? That I just told you the synopsis of a film I watched entirely in Korean.

There are obvious reasons I could understand that much: cliche plot, body language, the actors enunciated, most of the protagonist's lines were just trying to convince everyone he was a Korean (한국사람이야! 한국사람이야!). Boy, his heart was in it though. He really wanted to be a Korean.

When it was right at the "foreigner singing competition" climactic moment, we reached our first destination: Unmun Temple.

Unmun Temple is in a beautiful location in a valley surrounded by picturesque mountains. The thing with temples that I've been to is that the surrounding landscape really makes or breaks it. In Gyeongju, Bulguk Temple is a jewel of Korea. I was not as impressed with it as other temples simply because there was no surrounding scenery other than trees. To me, Unmun is a top five. It is serene, remote, and it has a couple of things that make it unique.

You will remember (won't you?) when I went to Haein Temple several months ago and snapped illegal pictures of the Tripitaka Koreana. Well, Unmun has nothing of that magnitude in its clutches. It does, however, possess a pine tree that is fueled and fertilized with booze. Yeah, that's right. Booze. And it's pretty friggin majestic.

Yeah, that's only one weird looking tree right there. Also, this is the historic site wherein I ceremonially committed treason against Jesus. Not only am I celebrating his birthday in a heathen country, I prayed to their heathen god very near to that special date. Here's proof of my heresy:

Buddha just looked so kind and inviting, sitting up there covered in gold and smiling. It's a lot happier looking than a bloody Christ nailed to a cross. I learned how to properly pray to Buddha, but I didn't do it the proper amount of times. You're supposed to hit that guy up a hundred and eight times when you pray. That's a thigh work out times seven.

The final thing that makes Unmun unique is that it is the largest nunnery in Korea. In Buddhism, they're more like female monks though. They got the shaved head and everything. They live back here somewheres like little bald ghosts:

Hey, here's my co-teachers:

Adorable little guys, aren't they? I love 'em to death.

After a short walk through the forest and pine cone scented nature, we boarded the bus again and stopped for dinner. My leaders chose a small place that specialized in rather tasty and succulent beef. I think before we have any work function, all the Koreans gather in an alleyway (or right in front of me. It's not like it would make a difference) and they snicker about getting the foreign kid as drunk as possible.

It always starts about halfway through the meal. Someone quietly suggests to me that it would be a kind gesture to drink a shot with the principal. I agree that it would and awkwardly saunter over there. We trade shots and then the vice principal pipes up that I should drink a shot with him, too. I oblige. When that's done, the head teacher thinks I should take a shot with him. After that, the judo coach thinks it would show a lot of respect if I drank a shot with him. Then, the "group" leader teacher for the night laughs his unique chuckle and just holds out his glass to be filled and does the same for me before I can protest. In a matter of two minutes, I am 300% more drunk than before and they all laugh and ask me to speak in Korean. Basically, I am their entertainment for a few minutes. When they grow bored they make their bow and say thank you as a kind way of saying "leave now, we're done with you." I am glad to go.

In other news, aren't you proud (or at least annoyed) that I am updating so much now? It's only because classes are over and this lonely Christmas season is coaxing me to express myself. Ah, I am so cool...

World Class Event! The Unveiling Of...Venus da Milo

2010-12-22T09:00:00.001+09:00

See, family? I sometimes do productive things. Rarely, but I do. What's that you say? You see a montage of me and my friend Veronica working on our masterpiece? What else did you say? Those pictures do not even really show you what the finished product looks like? Yeah, well that was really my intention. Although I unveiled it to you, it's still kinda shrouded in mystery, eh? That's art, friend. That's what life is about. I know we'll have done a good job on the project if what you focus on in each picture is my shabby apartment in the background. What's the last thing you said? Oh, you don't get it? Perhaps you should look at it again...on weed. Hey buddy. No need to get belligerent. It's not like you paid admission fee.

Oh, also I did post something new below in case you're one of the zero people who check out the blog every day and also one of those people who can't see things right below what you are currently reading. It originally posted below my previous post in a successful effort to confuse your/my slow mind. Lovezzzz.

World Class City and SantaCon

2010-12-21T09:40:00.000+09:00

Here is a link to the "Top 10 Places to Visit in 2011." Guess which city is on the list. Go on, guess. The 10th one, the one just making the cut, the oddest and least-heard-of one present: you guessed it. My town. Daegu. I have to give props to my friend Veronica for making me aware of this list. She has an excellent blog and is a talented photographer to boot. You can find her blog here. Buy her a cookie or something.

What I originally came here to talk to you about is how I spent my time after Seodaemun Prison (see last post, lazy). I present to you...SANTACON!See hundreds of smashed foreigners blurrily stumbling down a well lit Korean street donning Santa costumes and singing inappropriate versions of classic Christmas carols that nobody around can understand because the foreigners are mumbling them. Behold the majesty.

Eventually we parted from the group as it was loud and cumbersome to be a part of and accommodate. We found ourselves in the rather lively park in Hongdae witnessing both a silent disco and a live music concert happening simultaneously. There was a roof and jello shots for Greenpeace and a Dutch guy? It was revelrous and fun and I hope to get back to Seoul one more time before departing this peninsula for a month at home.

That's it for this edition of World Class Flaneur. I'm living up to my name, aren't I?

Prison. Fo' Lyfe.

2010-12-20T12:01:00.000+09:00

Good morning, America! I'm back in action for a minute. I know, it doesn't quite make up for the absence you've felt in your heart lately. I've got enough juice for a few posts so as my final week of classes wrap up and my materials for Winter camp come to a close, I'll have a void in my life where productive things used to be. Thus, you are my new productive thing, World Class Flaneur.

First, let's do a post dedicated to those who lost their lives during the Japanese occupation from 1910-1945. Last Saturday, I made a trip up to Seoul and had the pleasure of visiting Seodaemun Prison. You usually don't put "pleasure" and "prison" in the same sentence, but this is Korea, after all. It doesn't anymore, but it used to look like this:
Now it looks like this:
...which doesn't really tell you much, but they didn't have a tidy little model for the present prison and you obviously can't see it all from any one point except the guard towers where you're not allowed to go.

The prison was designed to house the anti-Japanese dissenters and Native English Teachers who got low scores on their open classes. It was surprisingly not overly depressing. It doesn't quite compare to the Holocaust Museum or the Nagasaki Atomic Bomb Museum in that scope. It was almost like a Tower of London type of thing where you see the torture devices and they have a silly little program wherein they take your mugshot and place it on a prisoner in a video. They then show you going to prison and getting tortured and screaming for freedom in your cell.
Obviously, this was a terrible place where atrocities against man were committed. I never forgot that. But, as with most things in Korea, they have a way of defying expectations and warping your percieved feelings on something. The room with pictures of all the prisoners who died actually was quite moving. However, instead of letting solely the pictures tell the story, they had to have a digital touch screen floor computer in the middle of it to cheapen the experience and make every child who passes through the room 90% more annoying.

One thing I learned while there that is not something normally advertised in the "woe is me" themed musuems is that the prison was still used until 1987. Anyone interested in Korean history will most likely know that South Korea was effectively a military dictatorship until that very year. You can most likely guess the similarities in its use both during and after Japanese occupation. The best part? The leper building in the back. It offered the best views of the "campus" and it's where friggin' lepers were kept. You don't see those much anymore.

Anyway, it was an interesting and educational little tour in an area of Seoul that I had not previously ventured to. Also, we found a Quiznos. The first one I'd seen since leaving.

Wait For Me, America

2010-12-16T08:37:00.003+09:00

Don't give up on me yet, America. I know I haven't written for over a week. I know I owe some of you emails and/or party favors. I know that times have been rough and it seemed like there was not a light with which to guide yourself. I am sorry that you felt I had abandoned you.

Truth is, I've been busy planning for winter camp and when I'm not doing that I feel too lazy to update my blog. But! Luckily for you, I am finished planning winter camp as of yesterday. Oh wait, no I'm not. I still have powerpoints to make and some materials. Crap. Well, that sucks for both of us, I suppose.

Wait for me. Soon I will have nothing to do when the children have all left and I'm sitting in a dark, cold classroom by my lonesome. Just one more week of class...

General Update #141

2010-12-07T08:06:00.005+09:00

Look. You don't have to tell me. I get into this rant every month. I end the month strong, but I always particularly suck at opening it. I'm a closer (who else has noticed that closer is just one letter away from loser? Anyone?). What can I say?

Well, I guess I can say that I don't see this month being exceptionally full of blog posts. Sorry to get your Christmas dreams' hopes up. My desire to blog seems to have toppled under the pressure of the Siberian winds that flare up occasionally. Good thing I'm going to Seoul this weekend.

Hmm, maybe three or four things. First, I was provided this great lecture by my friend John in Incheon about North Korea called "The Cleanest Race." It's done by a guy teaching in Busan, and it does an excellent job of providing insight into why North Korea is acting the way it is. I'm going to warn you: it's an hour long. But! It's a really good hour if you are at all interested in history or the region. It puts both North and South Korea in perspective in ways you'd never think (i.e., beyond economic/military numbers, which is all that we hear about on the news because no one believes that actual people live in these places). I have been interested in North Korea for some time now, but this just enhances it. Here's the link.

I think I've touched on this before, but in many of my classes there is always one mentally handicapped child. They always sit in the same seat and are kind of ostricized from the class. It appears they learn little while there. Sometimes they are disruptive. Often they'll rip the handout into a million pieces and make a collage out of it. Sometimes they'll have a laughing fit that will disrupt other students. Other times, they'll turn their desks upside down. Once, one got into a fist fight and a throwing match with a girl classmate. Now, I'm not saying they are full out mentally retarded. Some of them have spoken to me in English or read English words and are very nice, pleasant students. I know they are capable. But, they are not in the right learning environment for what they need. There is a reason they are kept separate. To develop their ability to the fullest capacity, they need specialized attention. In Korea, it seems the acceptable substitute for this is to ignore it.

The explanation as to why something like this is often ignored or underplayed would take a little while to explain and since my desire to blog lately has eroded under various weather conditions, I'll spare you. Needless to say, both the parent and the child suffer for it. Not to mention the poor, poor Native English Teacher who has to put up with it for 80 minutes a week. Perhaps they suffer the most.

Topic number three. I bartended...kind of...not really. Well, perhaps in the most literal sense of the word. I tended a bar. But I was behind it and I did get people beers and easy things like gin and tonics. All out of the goodness of my heart (thus not violating contract, Mama Korea. Don't kick me out). I guess I've just about exhausted that subject...

Topic numero quattro: I have found a way to convert .MOV to .AVI. Fiiiiiiiiiiiinally. A special shout out goes to my cousin Jeff who was the only person to send me advice on how to make that happen. So, thank you Jeff and thanks for nothing everyone else. The method I have found deteriorates the quality of the video slightly, but I suppose the quality wasn't the greatest in the first place since I was doing it with a point and shoot camera. Anyway, hopefully I'll have something put together by the time I come home so that folks can see a glimpse of the Kow-rea I saw.

What else? I'm good for now. I don't want to empty my entire clip because that means less stuff to write about next time. So, for now...goodbye.

Thanksgiving and Hereafter

2010-11-29T15:58:00.012+09:00

Yessir, I had a Thanksgiving. Here's proof:Granted, I'm not in any of those pictures so I could have just Googled them and downloaded some randoms or something, but I'm sure you trust me at this point. That's a long way to go to fabricate a lie, don't you think? And I wouldn't keep...talking about it if I were lying because to continue to talk about it means you're trying to cover up something. Like a lie.

Anyway, I took these pictures toward the beginning of the party as opposed to the end, when there were about six hundred more people and they were stabbing each other with turkey bones just to get the last slice of pumpkin pie. Actually, the hosts, a wonderful couple from Memphis, TN, ended up having quite a bit of leftovers to choose from.

After the food digesting began, we made our way to Kyungpook to watch our friends' band play at a bar. Here's proof of that as well: So, at this point I've got visual evidence of my whole night on Saturday. Lest you think I was in Vegas partying with strippers or something. Which is totally not what happened on Saturday.

So, yesterday I stumbled on to this entertaining site called "Uncyclopedia" (erm, maybe the more easily offended should avoid it) which is just like a Wikipedia, but a bit more politically incorrect. I looked at the South Korea page specifically. Although riddled with fake facts concerning Starcraft and kimchi farts, it did actually have two interesting facts (that are true) about the Korean language:

'If you're on a date in Korea, you can say "Da-li yeppo", which means both "the moon looks beautiful" (달이 예뻐) and "you've got nice legs" (다리 예뻐).'

'Korean is the only known language in which "my place of work" and "my rectum" are both, perhaps appropriately, the same word: jik-jang (직장).'

You should check out the United States of America page, too.

Did anyone reading this ever play Doom or Area 51 or Wolfenstein or one of those first person shooter games that came out before the Nintendo 64 existed? I feel like I play that game whenever I'm in school except instead of zombies or Nazis popping out and shooting at me, it's kids popping out and saying hello. In those games, monsters pop out of secret places and scare you and shoot at you, whereas in my life kids pop out of secret places like trash cans and toilet stalls and shoot at me with "hello" and I have to respond in due time or I lose life. Whenever I pass a teacher, it's like encountering a boss because I can't just say "hello" and be done with it. No, I have to blurt out "annyeong haseyo" (안녕 하세요) and bow. Some times, especially on Mondays, I literally forget how to move my mouth to utter this phrase and it comes out "mmummmble-seyo" and I bow and they bow and we go about our day as though I wasn't an inept Korean speaker.

Gobble Gobble

2010-11-25T12:40:00.004+09:00

GobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobbleIhateyougobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobblegobble. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. While you're gobbledy gobbling down turkey or whatever substitute you like to eat, I'll be working at work on a normal Thursday. For those of you who asked if they celebrate Turkey Day in Korea, well...you better have just been teasing me about me missing it. Fear not, citizens. I will be celebrating Turkey Day with the best of them...only on Saturday instead of Thursday. Yes, yes, blasphemy, I know. But! I get a day to celebrate the greatest day of gluttony in America. What I don't get is this:Curses to you Americans in America who get to sample this fruit. You are reading it correctly. Turkey & Gravy Soda by Jones Soda Co. complete with two blue balls. The symbolism there must be coincidental. I'm really curious, to be honest. It must either betray true turkey and gravy flavor to be palatable or it must be really damn disgusting.

Either way, I'm going to Costco tonight to pick up the bestest Costco made pumpkin pie I can find. I don't care if everybody else brings pumpkin pie to the potluck on Saturday. That just means there will be plenty of it. What's Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie? You may also ask out loud, to the horror of those who can overhear you talking to yourself, "Will you have turkey on this Turkey Day of turkey days? The answer to your question is a loud, resounding, "If they deliver it to the proper address."

You see, dear readers, our local expat magazine, "Daegu Pockets," has been kind enough to find a way to deliver cooked turkeys directly to your door. Without this service, I imagine it would be nearly impossible to find a turkey. Most Koreans I have spoken to have never tried turkey. Explaining the taste is a bit difficult. "Well, it's like chicken, but not. Kind of. Uh...it's bigger?" So, props to the 'Pockets crew for getting that hurdle jumped.

Anyway, has anyone found a solution to my video editing problem yet? Get working, people! I don't pay you for nothing!

Also, may the happiest of Thanksgivings unfurl itself before you on this day (Wish the same for me on Saturday, you selfish jerks).

Thoughts on North Korea and Google Translate

2010-11-24T07:58:00.009+09:00

I was going to post on yodeling and perhaps the conundrum of farting with thin walls, but the North Koreans made my topic much more interesting. Let's talk about them. Hopefully, since this post is published so close to the last one, everyone will forget about the preceding post below. Especially since I just pointed it out.

Yesterday while I was at school, I received news that North Korea had attacked. My heart sunk immediately, until I read what really happened. South Korea was doing some routine military exercises (defense exercises at that). This involved shooting artillery rounds into the sea to the south and west, away from North Korea. North Korea fired 200 artillery rounds at the island, burning some stuff, killing two, and injuring a dozen more or so. The South reacted by shooting 80 rounds back and deploying fighter jets that make it look like the South flexed or something.

Normally, there are really imposing U.S. warships helping the South Koreans out while doing their military drills on this island. This time, they were missing, giving the North the chance to fire without much of a rebuttal. This comes at a time when North Korea is desperate. They are starving to death and they want attention.

In the wake of this, many non-Koreans are panicking. "OMG!WhatiftheNorthattacksandwe'reallstuckherewhatarewegonnadowhatarewegonnadowherestheliquorandtheguns?" To this I say, balogna. Baloney. Balonie. Baylognia. Just look at the locals. Are they freaking out? No. They've been part of this equation a lot longer than you have. To them I ask, "Is this serious?" They kind of chuckle and say, "This happen a bely opten. No wolly, no wolly." Indeed, in the Spring the North sank the Cheonan. Since I've been here there has been an instance of gunfire on the DMZ. This stuff happens. Indeed, maybe we all just pay attention to Korean news more on my behalf. It's probably akin to when you buy a new car and you suddenly see that everyone else bought your same car, too. Honestly, I'm not worried, therefore you shouldn't be either.

Since the news put North Korea in the forefront of our minds, a friend and I discussed the average cost of a meal in North Korea pretty ad nauseam. We did algebra that I hadn't done since my freshman year of college. That's how into it we were. We took the Big Mac Index in the U.S. ($3.57) over its average yearly salary ($46,381), equal to X over North Korea's average yearly salary ($1,244). Solve for X. According to this formula, the average meal in North Korea is a little over 10 cents. That's based on life in North Korea being as fair as it is in the U.S. (which still ain't that fair). Instead of a meal costing 15 North Korean Won as it would according to our formula, it ends up costing much more. Let's look at some data:

According to GoodFriends: North Korea Today, the price of 1 kg of rice, as of January 2010(which is long ago, but still after the currency went all googly eyed on them) was, on average, about 270 won. That's $1.89. Now, a 10 lb. bag of rice costs $18.99 according to Amazon.com. Let's do the math: 10 lbs is equal to ~4.5 kg. With that in mind, 1 kg of rice costs roughly $4.22 in the U.S. That's pretty close to the Big Mac Index. Let's convert how much 1 kg of rice really costs to the average North Korean into terms we Americans can understand. Using the same formula as above, that 10 lb. bag of rice would cost you $317.10 instead of $18.99. That's a pretty large jump in price, wouldn't you say? No wonder the North Koreans are starving to death.

I think I did more research for this blog post than any post before in the history of time. On a lighter note, remember that paragraph that I wrote in Korean last post that I was hoping you forgot about but definitely didn't now that I mentioned I wrote a paragraph in Korean? Well, to save you the trouble, I plugged that puppy into Google translate and here's what came up

"Today, I went to school. Student is an idiot. Now, I'm hungry too. I could eat breakfast. At lunch, terrified that I want to eat rib. Eojae 8:00 50 minutes, I saw the movie hyejinrang. 'Social network' I saw it. Okay."

It was close. I'll give it that. However, I can assure you what I really said was more grammatically correct and made more sense. Here's what I said: "Today, I went to school. The students are idiots. Now, I'm too hungry. I didn't eat breakfast. At lunch, I hope I eat a terrible rib soup (sarcasm). Yesterday at 8:50, I saw a movie with Haejin. We saw 'The Social Network.' It was good."

Here's a little insight into Korean (as if you care). Let's take a simple verb: 피곤하다 (pee-gon-ha-da). To be tired. Now, if I write it like this--피곤해 (pee-gon-hae)--it opens up a world of possible meanings. It could mean "I am tired," "you are tired," "he is tired," "she is tired," "are you tired?" "am I tired?" "who is tired?" etc. Technically, since there is no question mark the implication is that it's a statement, however, when spoken, you don't see a question mark come out of someone's mouth. It's more ambiguous that way. The interesting thing about Korean is that just a verb can act as an entire sentence, given the subject and/or the object is implied by both listener and speaker. In this way, Google translate is notoriously treacherous. We have made it a fun game to plug work emails into it to see what little gems come up. Entertainment, I tell ya. Entertainment.

Usually with single words it's fine though. Anyway, this post turned out to be real long. Good job reading all this, or at least skimming. I don't blame you. But it's all interesting to me.

Filling Up The Month A Bit

2010-11-23T10:37:00.006+09:00

Yes, I will get into a frenzy of blog posting about probably nothing or next to nothing to make up for the fact that I can't keep a schedule on where and when it is appropriate to blog. I do have one large frustration to vent here though.

I have several videos from my year here that I would really like to plug into Windows Movie Maker (WMM) and edit the crap out of. I want to make a video that compiles video and pictures from my first year here in Korea so's I can show the folks desperately waiting to see me (and I them) back in the homeland. The problem is that my camera records video in .MOV format, which is kind of retarded in the first place, but also creates a huge problem for me. Windows Movie Maker (WMM) does not recognize .MOV files because that file type is normally seen in Macs. I troubleshot with the ever helpful "Help" option in WMM, and it directed me to a website wherein I can download some nice and free program that would supposedly convert .MOV files to .AVI files.

This would be an immense help to me...except it doesn't work. It'll take its time and act like it's doing something. It'll get my hopes up, telling me that it really loves me and it'll massage my back and reassure me that I'm the only one. It'll be real sweet and cook me dinner once every month or so. It'll even go so far as to create the .AVI file to trick me into trusting it. Then I find it in a bar downtown with some other file type. It's usually .WMV or .MPG. They're the neighborhood sluts. It'll tell me it's not what it looks like, but I know better. When it comes home late from work, I can smell the processing. I end up taking it back every time, thinking next time there won't be a next time and it'll make my .AVI file for me, but alas, Windows Media Player (WMP...or Wimp as I like to call it) and WMM can never read it. I want to slug them each in their respective programmed faces. I also want to slug my camera for recording in that very elitist format in the first place. I also want to slug the program I downloaded for not properly converting my file to an .AVI.

I apologize. I should have warned you that the preceding paragraph was kind of technical and perhaps nonsensical. Does anyone have any suggestions as to a fix to this problem? It's bugging me and I have two or three weeks in January that would be perfect to just sit and edit video all day. I kind of miss that from college...

In news everyone can understand, I have an itchy rash on my neck. Yeah, it's real cute. The ladies go nuts for me. At first I thought it was from my shaving cream, as I recently ran out of the stash I brought from Amurrica and converted to a Korean brand. I stopped using it and the rash slowly receded back into its dark and lonely cave. I was certain I arose victorious. But then again, I thought the same thing about my battle with the collection agency that I couldn't prove was wrong but was definitely wrong (hint: they don't leave you alone. They hide and you hide, and you think it's over, but they find you. They are the Jason Voorhees of finance.).

Then, yesterday, it was super windy cold, so I buttoned up my wool pea coat all the way to the top and flipped the collar (no, I'm not a frat boy) to protect my body warmth from impending hypothermia. This morning, the rash had not only come out of its dark and lonely cave, but it set up lawn chairs and a grill and a little rebel flag to indicate that it had claimed my neck for at least a long Labor Day weekend. I finally determined that it must be because I'm allergic to the wool. Is that possible? Are people allergic to wool only in one place on their body? Does that piss anyone else off? Am I going to stop wearing my pea coat because of it? Hell no, nerka! That janx was Spensive. I'm gonna ride this train until it breaks down or collides into a mountain or a town or careens into a ravine. If I still have a neck rash when I come to America, you'll know I'm a war weary hardened rash veteran.

In the last bit of news, since I've been surrounding myself with more Koreans (mainly just one female one), my Korean ability has skyrocketed at least 200%. I bet I could write a whole paragraph in Korean. Let's try:

오늘, 학교에 갔어. 학생이 바보예요. 지금, 나는 너무 배고파. 아침 먹을 없었어. 점심에서, 무서은 갈비탕을 먹고 싶어. 어재 8시50분에, 혜진랑 영화를 봤어. '소셜네트워크'를 봤어. 좋아.

Ok, let's all give a round of applause! That short paragraph is about as complex as I can get. It's about the level of a 1st grader, if that. What does it say? Good question. Answers pending. Any guesses? Hush up, Koreans.

This blog post was brought to you by three nights of sleep deprivation and a poor man's diet. Come on, Thursday...

Take Me Home Tonight

2010-11-22T12:42:00.005+09:00

Yes, I realize how poor of taste I have by not updating my blog for a full seven days. Especially when I was already backlogged seven days. Yes, I realize that this month may turn out to be the one with the lowest output yet. No, you don't have to rub it in my face. It's not my fault. Seriously, blame the Backstreet Boys for making "I Want It That Way" however many years ago and it still playing in certain Korean establishments I frequent. I lay depressed in my bed instead of updating my blog. It's one of those things that is akin to when I heard that some Army guy punched Monkey, the benevolent (and tiny, like a monkey) bartender in the face. You kind of lose a little faith in the future of mankind when injustices like that occur.

Anyway, I do have some news for you. Things happened over the last two weeks that I haven't told you about. First, the most important (and expensive) news:

I have booked my flight home...and back to Korea. That's called a round trip, kids. I will be heading to the land of the hoodwinked free on January 22nd, a Saturday, in the year of our Lord 2011. I will be returning to the land of maniacal ajummas on February 22nd (leaving the 21st). During my month of 불싵ing around Virginia, I would like to:

Eat my favorite meals (and subsequently get fat)

Drink good wine (and subsequently get drunk?)

See everyone on my list of people to see

Procure a year's worth of supplies that I now know I can't get easily in Korea

Celebrate Christmas

Buy a new camera (the old one is fine, but come on, bra. It's a little silly and I get frustrated sometimes)

Visit somewhere I've never been/haven't been to in a very long time (I'm eyeing you, Mt. Vernon/Gettysburg)

Now, for the second, less exciting (but cheaper!) news: I had my play on Saturday last. Here's the full cast:
Sorry, not in costume. We were done and it was hot in those things, so we changed immediately after finishing. But, it was fun. The little chilluns liked it, and there is a video in existence. Now, there's just the matter of getting hold of a copy. Also, the kids were aware of our coming to their school, so they made these cute little posters for us:This is just a small sample of a hallway filled with posters. So sweet, those little kids. Sixth graders have a heart after all. Actually, their teacher most likely made them do it, but still. It's nice enough.

Yesterday, Sunday, I went with some folks down by the river (sorry, there was no van or sighting of Chris Farley) to toss a frisbee around. I'm actually not really a hippie. The weather was nice enough that you hardly needed a jacket and I was trying not to feel lazy. Here's a nice river shot for you folks...Yes, that's a fountain and not a school of fish putting on a visual spectacle for the Korean masses. Actually, I have felt like a semi large writer's block has wedged itself into my brain lately. Coupled with apathy, that's a death-knell for a blog. I don't want it to get to that point. I am also poor (as I have paid for a plane ticket home [round trip, remember?]) and am feeling the pinch lately. This diminishes the chance for crazy Korean mishaps. I will try to think of other things to instead fill this blog with. Oh, woe is me.

Last Monday! A Week Late! Don't Rub It In!

2010-11-15T08:09:00.004+09:00

Ahem, so last Monday (surprisingly after I made my last valid post [also, don't you hate it when food gets stuck in your laptop keyboard because you're too lazy to eat elsewhere and your spacebar gets all sticky {I'm not really sure what that had to do with anything...}?]) my school was featured in TBC's TV show of something or other involving area elementary schools.

Here's how it goes down. Basically, a big ol' van full of equipment and a control room shows up and starts setting up cameras at certain vantage points around the dirt track. When this happens, it's a signal that it's perfectly OK for gym teachers to smoke outside where students can easily see them as long as they make the excuse that all the TV guys are doing it too, so why can't they?

It doesn't contradict the healthy lifestyle they're trying to promote through their classes, it just shows that one can both be physically active and smoke a pack a day at the same time.

The only excitement in the morning is all the racket they're making: testing mics, hammering, yelling, driving, honking, etc. Gets all the students riled up for the coming attractions. The real fun begins after lunch. They get all the 5th and 6th graders together in a big rectangle in the middle of the dirt track and sit 'em down for a while. Gets the suspense building. They give them drums and those air stick things that you hit together and make noise with and let them get that out of their system for a minute. It's go time...

Cameras on cranes swoop in and out with kids continuously making obnoxious sounds and the establishing shots are gotten and the hosts come out and do their intro and there's a rocket display (our school specializes in rockets, I think) and noise competitions and trivia game competitions and teachers trying to look stoic and inconspicuous, but still strategically placed to be in all the shots and the children continuing to scream until they sound like asthmatic emphazymics (the name of my new instrumental jam band, coincidentally), all leading up to the grand finale.

There, are, it turns out two schools in attendance. The second eluded me for almost the entirety of the shoot, but soon a troupe of mothers reared and cheered for a rival school (do elementary schools even have rivals?) and out came the contenders: 8 rough looking inner city kids, their rough looking inner city gym teacher, and one of their rough looking inner city mothers. Those must have been the roughest looking inner city group of Koreans I'd ever seen. I think some of them had tattoos (you know, the tears? Where each tear tattooed on their cheek counts as one person they've killed? It might have been a mole...). Anyway, these rough-ians (haha, get it?) teamed up against a similarly comprised team representing my school for a run-to-the-death relay race.

We really had no chance from the beginning. Our first runner was mysteriously prison shanked seconds before the starting gun fired, giving the other school at least five seconds lead. When the teachers had their relay, my school's teacher was clearly faster. The problem was that the other school took a lesson straight from Dick Dastardly's Book of Dirty Tricks and switched the road signs, so he ended up going the wrong way...

I later found out that the winning school's prize was that their native English teacher got to go on a date with all the Samsung Lions cheerleaders. I'm really glad we didn't win now...

So, back in reality land, I've about exhausted everything I have. So, until next time, eh?

Forgive Me, Minions...er, Readers

2010-11-10T08:07:00.009+09:00

The alley that I live on has turned into an icy wind tunnel wherein Jack Frost breathes his cold, freezing farts that penetrate any number of layers I may be wearing that day. Why have you forsaken me, Korea?

In other alley news, why, suddenly, did I see pigeons yesterday? I didn't know birds existed in Korea. All those stray cats will make short work of them, surely.

Meat and potatoes time.

Meat and Potatoes: On Sunday, I went to Sachoom, a dance musical that was part of the Korea In Motion Festival. There were no words (for the most part). We had to interpret it through body motion and the instincts of our soul. What I gathered is that the story was mostly about a boy who fell in love with some standard Korean hottie, but she was deciding between him and the school jerk based on their dance skills. Our hero could not dance, thus she went with the jerk. The jerk continued to be a jerk and his little dance entourage continued to show up the protagonist in their superior dance skills. Finally, our hero has a series of dreams in which his friend teaches him how to dance using poles and mops and buckets. In the end there is a dance-off between the jerk and his posse and the boy and his random new posse. They, I suppose, decide that they can both have the girl? and divvy up odd and even weekends, because they end up dancing together in a friendly way and the girl doesn't seem partial to either of them. Maybe it was a little over my head.

Guys, I've got more, but I've been sitting on this one paragraph for a week now. I truly have been kind of busy at work (surprisingly) so I haven't had the time to think fo random crap to post here. I do have things to update on. I just wanted to get this out because it's been a week since I last updated you on anything. Now I only have to update you on 5 days of activity as opposed to 7. Go me. And...I'msorryHey, look errybody! I've been working out and exercising and eating healthy!:

Psh. No, that's not a picture of Dolph Lundgren as He-Man...that's me. This candid photograph was taken one day in the classroom while I was thinking of how to say something very complex in Korean. I'm practically fluent, you know.

The Style Is Everything

2010-11-05T08:15:00.003+09:00

Living in Korea, it has become apparent to me that your "style" is everything. Style is used much more commonly here than in the U.S. Stores advertise using slogans about a certain style or just style itself; kids talk about doing something "ajumma style"; ...and I don't have a third example to complete this triad, so I'll make something up...President Lee Myung-bak makes speeches about expected upcoming spring and fall styles all the time.

Thus, style is important. I want to discuss with you at least two styles that I have noticed around here. First, this pattern:

Let's talk about this pattern for a second. For those of you living here in Korea, you probably recognize it. The fact that I could reproduce it on MS Paint from memory says something. If you don't recognize it, look out your window. You'll probably see it somewhere. What I'm getting at is that it's everywhere. It took me a while to realize it. The first time I saw it was pretty early on. Maybe a month into my contract, my co-teacher gave me an umbrella with this design on it. I have since lost said umbrella during a night of drunken mishaps, but the pattern was memorable enough that when I saw someone wearing a scarf with this pattern, I noticed. "Hey, that's the matching scarf to my umbrella!" I thought, and carried on with my life.

I didn't start looking for it until I saw it twice in one day. "Hey, that's the matching visor to that scarf and that shirt and that belt and that glove set and that skirt and that flag and that throw blanket and that other glove set that matches my umbrella!" I thought. Then I stopped. Hmm, that's a really common pattern in Korea. To me, it looks like a really crappy wrapping paper from Christmas 1982. Your Atari 2600 was wrapped in that paper. Steve Perry wore that pattern on stage. That dull cigarette smoke stained off-white background and the silly red lines not really complimenting the varying shades of puke tinted black. For some reason, Korea can't get enough of this pattern. Just look for it then next time you're out. I saw it three times today in my school.

Next, let's talk about a really sad one that we all knew was inevitable:

"Hey, Steve, why is there a picture of the American flag above this text?"

"Because, Timmy, we're being sold out by The Man."

Walk around in Korea for a day and if you don't see an American flag on someone's shirt, I'll give you ten bucks. Seriously. It won't do you much good here and I'll have to go through a lot of trouble to get a ten dollar bill, but I'll do it. That's how confident I am that you won't be able to complete the temple challenge (obviously, you could walk around a forest all day and not see it, but seriously, we all know and accept that as cheating...Koreans are not qualified [see last post]). The American flag has become nothing more than a brand, a style, an image.

What if it was cool to wear shirts with the Ukranian flag on it? How would Ukranians feel? I'll tell you how I feel. I don't want to salute it when I see it on some kid's shirt, I want to punch my nearest politician in the face. Clearly, our flag is not sacred if putting it on a t-shirt with the words "American Style" below it is used solely to make money. Am I a gun-toting, Bible thumping Tea Partier? No. Not at all. I think it's on the shirt for the wrong reasons. It's exploitation of something that should be taken seriously. If it's illegal to burn the flag or even place it on the ground, this should not be ok.

"But Steve. They're wearing it because they support us."

"Timmy. Shut up. You're out of your element."

How many Korean elementary school students do you think could find the U.S. on a map? How many know what U.S.A. stands for? I'm guessing less than half. They don't know what they're wearing on their shirts. It's a statement. It's an image. It's a trend. America has become a trend to fill The Man's pockets. How do you feel about that?

I'm not sure what's worse. The previous paragraphs or the fact that I couldn't find an American flag t-shirt when the World Cup was going on. The one time you need The Man to come through for you...

Avert Your Eyes! This Is Reality!

2010-11-03T12:12:00.004+09:00

It seems almost unfair that something eventful happens right after I write a hummer-ful of uneventful turds. But then again, so properly fitting. Today (notice the date of this post [I'm getting all crazy on you folks!]) was my school's festival. What festival? I don't know, we'll call it the Happy Student Trying Festival of Lights. Were there lights? No, but most things about this festival are misleading. Basically, all the parents come in and the students show them stuff. Each class has a showcase of their students' talents, as well as a music performance (each class has a song).

I have gathered that Koreans more or less don't care if something is fake. Give me a show. I don't care if it's real life or not. This can be exemplified by the art display. Students displayed their art all over the school. I wish I had brought my camera to show you some examples of the incredible art these "children" made. Some of this shit could be in a museum. Not like a classical Leonardo type museum, but like a van Gogh or Picasso type of museum. This stuff was insane. I couldn't make the art they made and I'm an adult with an understanding of perception and a basic grasp of mixing colors. No, no, one thing is clear to me. Thier moms helped them and it's totally accepted or this country is damn naive.

"Oh, Min-ji, look at this flawless reproduction of a springtime mountain vista you made. Your expert employment of chiaroscuro shading goes above and beyond even an art student's ability. You're a talented artist! A+!" Or do they see it as, "Oh, Min-ji, you had help on your project. You must have good parents who love you very much. Good job. A+!" In America, we call that cheating and frown upon it. There was the occasional student work that was obviously done solely by the student, and it stood out. To me, it stood out as genuine. It evoked much more emotion from me, however minimal, than something that was obviously concocted with help from others (or if not done entirely by others).

Each class's show was, however, really effing cute. I saw a magic show, a hapkido show, a group dance show, and many children singing. I especially liked the integration of "empty plastic water bottleist" into a traditional Korean drum ensemble. I always did appreciate the increasingly rare empty plastic water bottleist virtuoso. The Great Figaro Dasani was probably the last one I can think of to grace our shrinking and warming planet.

Let's get back to the bigger problem. Korea's acceptance of things that are fake. More importantly, me complaining about Korea's acceptance of the artificial. This acceptance goes above and beyond looking the other way when students get help on their art projects. Let's take a look at what a vast majority of men enjoy looking at: women. I have heard various statistics ranging from one quarter to the almost unbelievable number of three quarters of high school girls having had plastic surgery by the time they graduate. Whichever stat you take, that is an alarming number of girls with low self-esteem. Granted, what they get is not Face-Off type of surgery. Usually, they get the epicanthoplasty (double-eyelid surgery) to get a bigger eye and a more "Western" look.

Between the last paragraph and this one, I've done some more research and reports vary considerably. In the end, there is no way of assessing the truth due to the internet not being reliable for data collection and me being too lazy to ask any reliable source for any data. I am just going to do what virtually everyone else does: read one piece of questionable data and base all my opinions around it forevermore, even if I later see equally questionable data refuting it. So...there's no such thing as plastic surgery here and I find myself in the middle of a beautiful woman breeding factory. The end.

I win!

2010-10-31T08:01:00.004+09:00

There, I got a ninth in...kind of...by cheating...except that there really are no rules and I can pretty much do what I want on this whole blog thing. Well, according to my rules (absolute power corrupts absolutely, mwahahaha), I made it to nine blog posts in October. I was considering stopping at seven. You know, so when you look over at the archives it says October (7)...like my birthday?

Actually, I feel pretty useless as a human being since I can't even update my blog with anything interesting in a full week. On the weekend of Halloween, no less! I am a disgrace to thrill seeking expats everywhere. Take me out to the pasture and put a steel rod in my head, why don'chya?

You're mad at me. I can tell. I know, I know. It's Halloween and I should have been out partying with the best of them, and I kind of was, but not full on debauchery style: dressed in a costume that either cost $300 or that I spent 6 hours making, doing shots off the sexy bartender and kicking the crap out of the school quarterback that everyone tolerates but nobody really likes. It was more subdued, and I was actually one of the two or three douche bags who didn't dress up in a bar full of people who did dress up. My douchiness was felt all over the bar.

How are the elections going? I haven't been paying attention too much because none of it really pertains to me since Virginia doesn't have any race going on (does the House really count? Really?). The only thing interesting is this from the New York gubernatorial race:

I would vote for this guy. At least he's got some sense. Sure he may suffer from PTSD as a result of Vietnam, but hey, is he really worse than any of the "real" politicians we put in office? Honestly.

Honestly. I'm glad to be away from all that garbage. Politics ruled the D.C. area (obviously), and I was sick and tired of it. Hearing everyone's nonsensical opinions on why they don't like this guy or do like that guy. Here, I can't understand the politics because it's in a foreign language. I can't understand idiots on the metro having conversations that make you doubt the future of mankind. I can't understand when I'm being made fun of in public. Ignorance is bliss.

Maybe I need to make something happen in order to have an eventful blog post. I think that was the idea when I started this thing, but it has just trailed off into stupidity and the daily routine. Spice it up a bit, Holcomb!

너무 추워

2010-10-27T09:00:00.006+09:00

Give me a minute to catch my breath.

What the hell, God!? What gives? Two weeks ago it was pleasant enough. I didn't need a coat to go outside. I could generally navigate my apartment in comfort. Now--psh--now I need a heavy wool coat (the most expensive piece of clothing I've ever bought) just to go outside. I've contemplated turning the heat on. I can see my breath and the wind is biting. 너무 추워!

I calculated based on when it began getting warm in spring, and I've only got six months to go before it starts getting warm. Wait. SIX!? That doesn't work out right! November, December, January, February, March, April. So we get about six months of cold weather, a month combined of warm weather, then five months of ridiculously hot weather. Hmm, why does Korea advertise themselves as having four seasons? That seems like two seasons and a garnish.

In other news, guess who's gonna be Little Red Riding Hood in this play that the Daegu College of Education is putting on in English for all the little childrens. Guess blindly as I slowly bring two thumbs up to point at my own dastardly smiling face and proclaim, "This guy!" Yeah, two showings in November of a play that I will have helped write involving a fairy tale mash-up a-la Shrek, but designed for kids who don't really speak good English. I hope we get noticed by the Tony Awards. I'm planning on making it big with this one. Banking on it. Investing my life savings on it (ha, what life savings?). Seriously, who else here can say that they've had their bank charge an overdraft fee on their savings account because a $4 maintenance fee dropped the balance into the negative? Yeah...

I really want to try to get October's number of posts up a bit, so plan on me posting random worthless crap like this for a couple of days. Actually, maybe I'll just post one more October closer (clozer, not closer).

Hey, if you haven't checked this article out, I suggest you do immediately. It's staggering in a freak show or E! True Hollywood Story way.

Last worthless thing. Without further ado, I present...

...my dream car.Can you tell I ran out of things to say? Hopefully the weekend will be more eventful.

But This One Goes To Eleven

2010-10-25T14:56:00.017+09:00

Hmm, random stuff to talk about...

Ah, let's talk about music. Let's be specific. Like Rolling Stone specific, except not paid by record companies to say one hot new band is going to be the next Skynyrd or whatever. Specific as in let's explore the top ten best skindamarinking albums of the most recent millennium. That is to say, the ten best albums that came out after January 1st, 2000...as Steve Holcomb rates them (and, keep in mind that I have not heard every album that came out after January 1st, 2000, so this list is also incomplete in scope and complete in bias. Take that!). Also, take that this list does not include live albums, compilations, or super deluxe max re-issues of old crap. So, *sigh* the top ten best original studio albums, according to Steve, that Steve has heard that came out after January 1st, 2000. As a Libra, I always have to keep things fair and am generally indecisive. As such, I could only narrow it down to eleven ("But this one goes to eleven.") and there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I ranked them from 1-10 (erm, 11). Thus they are in alphabetical order. Who am I kidding? I'll probably look at this tomorrow and think at least three of these need to be changed out. Don't gimme no lip.Animal Collective: Merriweather Post Pavilion. Since coming out last year, Merriweather Post Pavilion has steadily grown on me. Upon first listen, I thought, hey this sounds like the Beach Boys if they were born 30 years later, on acid that was made in a government lab (as opposed to the acid they were actually on), and maybe a bit more pretentious. Honestly, this album is a trip. Just look at the cover. The reason I made it so big is because it moves when you stare at it. In fact, the cover perfectly sums up the sound: trippy and maybe even nauseating, but entrancing and beautiful at the same time. On the first song, the vocalist sings, "If I could just leave my body for a night," and from there on out, the album takes you to places that you never thought you'd like. Actually, this album is fairly polarizing. Love/hate/love again/hate twice in a row/love forever.

Arcade Fire: Funeral. Arcade Fire's first album is appropriately named. Before production, various family members of the band line-up died, bringing some pretty raw emotions into production. It seems like every song is about death or loss, but not in an overly depressing way. Sometimes, it is just raw power ("Wake Up") and sometimes it is as delicate as a flower ("In The Backseat"). I can't count the times I've listened to this album. But that may go for most of the albums on this list.

Andrew Bird: The Mysterious Production of Eggs. This clown was introduced to me by my sister, who (believe it or not) influences my life considerably. Well, not lately, since I live 9,000 miles away. The first time I listened to this album, I thought, hmm, that's nice. Eventually, it got so bad that the paramedics had to pry this album off of my cold dead chest before resuscitating me back to life. I couldn't stop listening to this album and had each song from it stuck in my head at at least one point over the course of last summer. It's whimsical and light, yet heavy enough to help you feel.

The Flaming Lips: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots. Let me get this out of the way. I have a man-crush on Wayne Coyne. If I were a supple young female, I would be won by his charm. With that said, Yoshimi is a great album. I wish there were more albums like this. Weird and electronic, yet still warm and human. Like Unit 3000-21, this robot has learned to feel. I also think "Do You Realize??" is one of the best singles to come off of any of the albums on this list.

Interpol: Turn On The Bright Lights. I'm going to be honest and confess my nerdiness. I didn't know how much I liked this album until Rock Band 2 came out and reminded me that "PDA" existed. After that, I gave Bright Lights another spin. I'm glad I did, because I would have missed out on a classic that, unfortunately, Interpol hasn't been able to replicate since. This release finds power song after power song. I don't know if there is a really weak track on the album.

Iron & Wine: The Creek Drank The Cradle. I remember the exact moment I began my journey with this album. I was about to go into the chaos that is Fairfax Circle when "Upward Over The Mountain" came on my iPod and distracted me. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I almost crashed into some Asian lady who didn't yield when she was supposed to. I made it safely, and began what would be a passionate relationship with Iron & Wine. Like most passionate relationships, however, ours too fizzled out and now we are just occasional lovers.

The Mars Volta: De-Loused In The Comatorium. I also remember where I was when I first heard this album, although the story is much less remarkable. I was driving to work...and I heard it through a friend. It was really like nothing else I'd ever heard before. It sounded like if Led Zeppelin just came out and had a heavy jazz influence mixed with an interest in the psychological subconscious instead of the blues. They would just get weirder after their debut.

Radiohead: Kid A. This is the oldest album on the list, clocking in at an October 3rd, 2000 release date. It took me a while to get into parts of this album. Particularly "Kid A" and "Treefingers" and the silent part between "Motion Picture Soundtrack" and the secret song. I remember the first time I saw Radiohead in concert, it was before I had heard this album. When they played stuff from it, I thought, hmm, that's interesting. Very electronic. Yeah, but this album got me into electronic based music. Good job, boys. A solid departure from OK Computer.

Radiohead: Hail To The Thief. Yes, sue me. I put two Radiohead albums on this list. When I was narrowing my list down from 17 or so, I had three. Along with the Beatles and Led Zeppelin, Radiohead hold a place in the triumvirate of British rock bands that have helped shape who I am. This 2003 album is based mainly as an attack on then President Bush. It's pretty biting. It is also a return to a more guitar oriented sound for the fivesome, but instead of returning to their earlier sound, they grew to incorporate their electronic period into a more traditional rock set up.

The Strokes: Is This It. You may notice that five of the past ten albums listed have been debut albums. I believe there's a reason for this and it points to a trend in the music industry. It's about attention span and maximizing profit. At some point in time, record companies must have realized that it's easier and cheaper to exploit some band for maybe three albums, each subsequent one trailing off a little bit into the ether, before dumping them. This is what happened to the Strokes, this is what may happen to Arcade Fire, to Interpol, and what should have happened to the Mars Volta. Actually, all three of the Strokes albums are fine works, but this first one is genre defining. So seemingly simple yet based from a more complicated formula. Albert Hammond, Jr. is clearly the star and main talent to me in this band.

Tenacious D: Tenacious D. This is more of an honorable mention than anything. It's just a coincidence that it also falls last on the list alphabetically. I had to include this comedy album because I think, not really by choice, I heard this album during college more than any other. It was a staple between me and my friends. It's coarse, vulgar, and it rocks. The Tenacious D movie pales in comparison and a lot of people can't stomach Jack Black, but this album brings fond memories for me of times past that will never return (sometimes I'm glad for that).

So, you've made it, eh? What do you think? I should probably quit this blogging thing or "expressing my opinion" and stick to teaching, which I'm also not very good at. Well, here's to being mediocre at everything, eh? Cheers, buddy. Say, has anyone ever told you you're kind of an asshole? You don't always have to call people out on their shortcomings. Sometimes, they are well aware without your citicism. I expect an apology soon.

The Busan Four and the Fireworks Galore Happy Special Hour

2010-10-24T21:15:00.004+09:00

This weekend saw rain and an increasingly sick blog author. The highlight, however, was the Busan Fireworks Festival. On Saturday evening, I took the KTX down to Busan with three in company to see what would turn out to be the greatest fireworks display I'd ever seen.

First, however, we had to navigate the crowds. The subway was increasingly packed as we approached Kwangan-lee Beach. There were crowd control guys who would help pack people into the train. It was difficult to get lost or move, as all you had to and could do was follow the million (yes, literally there was a million people) others who were on their way to the beach. There was a point when I physically could not move from being packed into the crowd so tight. Eventually, we eyed an alleyway that led to an air conditioning unit, that led to a ladder, that led to the roof of a motel. We ended up getting some really great seats for the last 45 minutes of the show. Without further ado, here are a few mediocre pictures of fireworks taken with a mediocre camera with a nighttime picture phobia:
And to prove that I was indeed there:
It was really spectacular in person. The set up is what really made it. This marvel of a suspension bridge spanning the bay and boats exploding with fire all while pieces like "Ride of the Valkyries" played and a million people roaring at the highlights. Not to mention the panoply of lights around like a watered down Hong Kong.

Here's a picture of the most people I've ever seen at one time:And that's just one side. The other side was the same, in front of us was the same, not to mention all the people in the alleys and arteries of streets trickling back away from the beach. It was absurd how many people were there, and that goes to show that Korea can operate logically to make public urination legal in instances like this.

I also have video, but with a combination of the real name verification law for YouTube and Blogger's ineffective video upload process, I cannot show you. I think it actually may be my mediocre camera's fault. I don't know how to change the recording format (which is also why I can't seem to figure out how to make my videos compatible with Movie Maker) to be anything resembling an easy, compact file. Such is life, I suppose.

In other news, we spent the rest of the night wandering around in the rain, unsuccessfully trying to find a love motel to stay in (remember those million people I talked about? Yeah, apparently they all needed a place to sleep as well...and they plan ahead). As a result, I think I am getting sick (as I previously mentioned. Remember? Geez, you must be getting old). I can only hope that the pinnacle of this illness is not too bad and I can carry on with my life with minimal interruptions from the green sickness goblin.

It's Sunday night and I'm eagerly looking forward to Monday, wherein I can go to school and teach children who don't much care about English for five days straight before what may or may not be a crazy Halloween weekend. I will, as always (or at least sometimes, right?), keep you posted.

PACECISTS Unite!

2010-10-18T08:04:00.008+09:00

My weekend was not worth mentioning besides the fact that I spent it with friends and they did a wonderful job of keeping my hopes high and the future looking bright. Instead of talking about that (sorry, guys and gals), I am going to mention the little things that pop up in my head from time to time. The little things that matter more than whatever I was doing at 9:43 PM on Friday.

Having a shower that gives me the freedom to do all my bathroom rituals simultaneously, my thought process has turned from lazy to absurd. I now wish there was a way that I could dry myself and get dressed for work while still in the shower. On these chilly October mornings, the shower feels so good when the temperature is slightly too hot. I make excuses to stay in there for longer. "Oh, I missed washing my left inner ankle, I better rewash my entire body for five more minutes."

Stray cats are a blessing in disguise. They are an indicator of coming weather patterns, they can show you to free food, and they are a great source of entertainment. As I walked home last night, I saw three stray cats playfully batting at each other. Someone turned on the proverbial waterworks. Oh, life is so precious, isn't it? I think life needs more stray cats. I'm going to start a coalition of some sort. Persons Against Confining or Euthanizing Cats Instead of Setting Them Stray. PACECISTS. I like it. You can donate through the Paypal link below:

Paypal - Donate Now!

Doing my laundry is kind of like the war on drugs. It's dirty, messy, nobody is ever going to win and I'm pretty sure there are backroom deals being made to keep it going forever. Having to hang dry my clothes limits the number of loads of laundry I can do a week. I can get two in if I'm really industrious and the weather allows (I just listen to the stray cats). Now think about it. Between completing loads, I am wearing clothes. Sometimes multiple items (sometimes just underwear [sorry for the mental image]). These items get dirty, and for every week I spend doing laundry, another load gets added to the list. That's just clothes. What about washing my sheets, my towels, my place mats? As you can see, this method of washing just doesn't seem to be compatible with my lifestyle. And don't even get me started on how poorly my washing machine completes its job.

Why does it seem like there's always a catch when it comes to my school lunches? Are you looking forward to those fried fish filets? Well watch out, because they have bones all up in them! That soup looks mildly attractive, doesn't it? Too bad it's SPICY AS HELL. You want some drinking yogurt? How about two? Put it back! You can only have one! But have as much rice as you want. That fruit looks like it is tasty. Oh, we put it in the garbage for a week before serving it to you. Those lunch ladies have a vendetta against me for some reason.

I guess life is full of surprises. Life, always chucking surprises at me. Well, I'm gonna start chucking something resembling an overflowing toilet that many Mexican construction workers have used recently back at life. See how life likes that.

Steve-topia?

2010-10-15T13:05:00.005+09:00

Let's discuss what would make the perfect country, in my experience. I've been wanting to do this post for quite a long time, but I haven't found the time or place. Now that it's the lull before the weekend, I guess now is the perfect time and place. Nevermind that none of you will read this.

Not counting the Vatican (who would do such a thing!?), I have been to nine different countries on three different continents. That's definitely on the lower end of the travel spectrum compared to my expat friends, so don't consider it boasting. It's more like a meek confession. In my experiences, I have noticed things about a country that are better than in my homeland. Yes, believe it or not, not everything in the United States of America is best. Many things are--don't get me wrong--but you will get no blind patriotism here.

As such, I wanted to compile a list of things that are important to me in the made-up, perfect "most amazing awesometastic land in all the land" country contest. Keep in mind that the following message may reveal a bit about my personality. Here goes:

1. Let's not jump to any rash conclusions based on the fact that I thought of this first, but Public Drinking. This is legal in the French Quarter of New Orleans, a part of Las Vegas, and I think one street in Austin, Texas on certain dates. It is legal anywhere, everywhere, and at any time in Korea, Japan, and the Philippines. There's nothing like walking down the street, past a cop, drinking a tall boy. Asia -1, North America -0, Europe -0.

2. This is another Asia booster. No Tipping. Now, before all you servers and hairstylists and taxi drivers get upset at me, hear me out. Do you know why you rely on tips in the U.S.? Because you get paid crap. Blame capitalism and the individualistic attitude Western society has. Your boss is too stingy to pay you decently and you're not concerned with the well-being of the establishment you work at unless you're given incentive to do so. In Asia, they think collectively. What's good for the establishment is good for the employee. Hands down. They get paid decently so they don't need to rely on tips. Providing service is what they're paid to do. I'll give a half point to Europe because not everywhere I've been on that continent relies on tipping. Asia -2, North America -0, Europe -1/2.

3. This next one is extremely important. Nature. Yes, Mama Nature has to be thriving and well in my perfect country. Smog? Hell no. Birds? Hell yes. Give me some trees and some mountians! Although the parts of Korea that I've seen are somewhat lacking in breathtaking vistas, I still have to give Asia a half a point for Japan and the Philippines. North America definitely gets a point, and Europe gets a point for Switzerland alone. Asia -2 1/2, North America -1, Europe -1 1/2.

4. Also important for preserving #3 and keeping out that nasty smog. Bomb Diggity Public Transportation. I don't want to have to rely on a car to get where I'm going. Hell, even if a bus won't take me there, at least make taxis affordable. Ah, sorry again, America. Asia gets a point for most genius modes of cheap transport. Asia -3 1/2, North America -1, Europe -1 1/2.

5. It seems like everything I can think of is just to spite North America. Government Run Public Healthcare. Let's not even get into the situation in America. They get half a point for the half that has working healthcare (the Canadian half). All I know is that I call roll up into any joint and get any basic healthcare need for less than 10 bucks in Korea. Within reason, of course. And we all know Europe is full of communists, so their healthcare works. Asia -4 1/2, North America -1 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

6. Ok, let's get more specific. My perfect country needs to have a Vibrant, Young, Attractive Population. Damn it, America, get your act together. You're on life support here. Sorry but if you come to Korea, you'll realize that Asia is where it's at. Everyone is thin here. And not for lack of food. There must be something in the kimchi here that keeps these girls attractive. Asia -5 1/2, North America -1 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

7. I'm gonna cheat a little. It's the American way. This one's worth two points: Family and Friends. One for family, one for friends. Now, to all you Korean expat friends, don't be hasty. You are all from somewhere Western. Mostly the U.S. You will be going back there some day. Probably in the near future. So get off my back when I give both points to North America. Come on, what's a perfect country worth if it's full of strangers? Asia -5 1/2, North America 3 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

8. What about peace, love, and understanding? A Second Official Language. I don't care if the first language is Hopi and the second is Punjabi. A bilingual population is an educated population. Now, I know that every continent I'm comparing has at least one country with a second official language, but I'm going to go with majority based on countries I've visited. So, in actuality, none of the three get points. Asia -5 1/2, North America -3 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

9. This is an important cultural aspect. Diversity. This could go hand in hand with the previous point, but they are not one in the same. One thing I can't stand about Korea is the lack of diversity. It's all about homogeny in Asia. Let's just take food for example. My choices are usually Korean, Italian-Korean, Mexican-Korean, Japanese-Korean, or American-Korean. Yeah, fusion food is nice and all, but give me some diversity and some authenticity. Sorry Asia and Europe, nobody's got diversity covered like the melting pot of the world: North America. Asia -5 1/2, North America -4 1/2, Europe -2 1/2.

10. Ten's a nice, round number, right? Top ten blardy blars or top ten skindamarinks. Ok, fine. How's this for ten? Thriving Artistic Expression. I can't rightfully give Asia a full point. There is a thriving art scene in Seoul and in Japan, but where I live? Not a chance. Unless you count the fact that every Korean has a $3,000 camera, I can't swing more than half a point. We all know the other two contestants have an art scene worth boasting about.

Final tally: Asia -6, North America -5 1/2, Europe -3 1/2. Looks like my perfect utopia is more Asian than anything else. Perhaps a hint of that European feel, a dash of interesting history and culture, and that great North American diversity. What a place to live. Now, let's work on making it real.

The Just Slightly Bizarre Weekend

2010-10-12T07:53:00.001+09:00

Friday night consisted of tequila and noraebang...the interesting thing is that spell check wants me to change "noraebang" to "noradrenaline," which I guess could also be applicable. Noradrenaline would probably be more fun if artificially induced, but I do not condone the use of drugs in any way. Erm, well...the illegal drugs anyway.

Saturday turned out to be a lovely day, despite the foreboding weather forecast of rain. The joke was on them. I got to see two Korean universities face off in a match of American football. Yeah, that's right. American football. Here's a picture to prove it:
Notice the sell out crowd. Honestly, I think we were five of maybe twenty spectators who were not affiliated with one of the teams somehow. This was the regional championship, too. Kyungpook University vs. Keimyung University. I guess the winner gets to go to state finals? It was ultimately an entertaining match, with Keimyung winning 26-14. You may wonder how well they played. That's a reasonable thing to assume, don't you think? Well, it's your turn to make an assumption based on this: the jokes were coming pretty loudly from our section of the stands (luckily in English). There was no passing game, not the best running game, or use of strategy, or kicking ability. What's left? Um...the uniforms looked nice? Honestly, I understand that American football is next to unheard of in Korea. It makes sense that the players would have the ability of junior varsity high school players. I think we were subconsciously bitter because none of us could feasibly watch real American football due to the time difference. Also, they completely forgot the fact that football requires sexy cheerleaders to be fully entertaining. I'm going to write Lee Myung-bak a letter.

Now, the crux of this post: the Korean wedding. I was invited last week to my principal's son's wedding. No, I have never met my principal's son. I still can't tell you his name. Having now experienced it, I now know why I was invited. Koreans will probably tell you some traditional reason for it that includes male co-worker camaraderie or Confucian style elderly deference. The real reason is right here on World Class Flaneur. Money. It is customary for each guest to give money as a wedding gift. Therefore, when a Korean gets married, he or she makes it a point to invite as many people as he or she possibly can. The normal acceptable amount is 30,000 won (about $25) for acquaintances (or in this case, complete strangers) and 50,000 won for closer friends. The gift giving certainly seemed a little impersonal, but then, so did the entire wedding. You'd logically think, "Hey, the more people they invite, the more expensive the wedding will be, right?" Wrong.

In America, weddings are usually in a church, winery, historic site, country club, beach, back yard, etc. In Korea, a vast majority of weddings take place in a wedding hall. This particular one was called the Wedding Castle, and, as I understood it, there were going to be seven or eight weddings that day. There were three going on as ours was. Since it takes place in a public wedding hall (with a buffet lunch), it's OK to pack as many people as possible in. You rent the room regardless of amount of people.

As you come in, you get your meal ticket and you give your gift to someone who mans the gift table as though it were a soup kitchen. Give 'em your cash, get yer meal. Then, you sit in the back of the seating area (or stand) because you are not family or close friends. It's OK to talk and carry on a conversation during the entire wedding because it'll only last 20 minutes anyway and you probably don't know either party involved. The bride and groom come in together, in fairly cheesy fashion, in a cage that hovers over the crowd and moves mechanically from one end of the room to the other:
Then the bride stands in the back while the groom goes to the front alone. In case you can't see really well, they provide disco lights every twenty feet on the ceiling to help you. These will be flaring up throughout the entire ceremony. The bride is given away, much like America, but only after the mothers bow to each other in their traditional hanbok dress (which I guess bowing to each other is their way of dancing to the top 20 K-pop being played while they do so). I didn't understand much of what happened afterward simply because it was in Korean, but there was clapping and yelling and, wait for it...noraebang. The groom sang a karaoke song to his new bride. In the middle of the ceremony, they brought out the cake and cut it as though they were being shuffled through renewing their driver's license at the DMV. "Fill out this form. Put your eyes in here and read this chart. Fingerprints. Do you want to be a blood donor? Cut this cake. What's your mother's maiden name? Look at the camera. Don't smile." Also, I have no idea what happened to the cake they cut. Where the hell did it go? They just carted it off and distracted everybody with a nice piano piece while the minister and his cronies snarfed it down in the back.

Instead of kissing at the end to signify that they were now husband and wife in holy matrimony, the groom gave the bride's mother a piggyback ride down the aisle and back. In ancient Korea, this indicated that the groom was ready to bear the weight of his new wife's family, for he would now take care of them when they were too old to do so themselves. This was done immediately before the dowry of three pigs, a goat, and 5,000 won was transacted. I completely just made that up.

This was the end of the ceremony. The bride and groom walked back down the aisle, but instead of leaving, they stood at the end of the aisle in the back and greeted people as they left. Before the wedding pictures got underway, it was understood that the guests were to go downstairs to the mess hall and get some grub. Here, you use your meal ticket to prove that you indeed were attending a wedding and not just getting a free meal, and burst at the seams with buffet style goodness. Eventually, the bride and groom come down in traditional Korean dress and join whoever hasn't already left, which is probably only their parents. Honestly, including lunch (which was buffet, so you know I stuck around for a while to get my money's worth), I was in and out of there in an hour and a half. Shortest wedding ever.

Now don't get me wrong. It sounds like from the rest of this post that I have a negative feeling toward the Korean style wedding. Also, I'm not positive, but I am under the impression that there is a second, more sacred, ceremony involving only children and parents. That speculation aside, there is something to be said for the Korean wedding ceremony. It was certainly more fun than an American ceremony. You could talk, clap, and sing along to the noraebang. You didn't have to observe silence like you were actually attending the funeral of your friend's/family member's bachelorhood. The disco lights helped too.

The reception (what reception?) was certainly lacking. Now, if we could somehow combine the two and have a bomb-ass Korean wedding ceremony with singing and performances and the bride and groom coming out to a theme song raising the roof like they're professional wrestlers with a bomb-ass American style wedding reception with maybe a friar's club style roast...I'm thinking best wedding ever. New goal for my life. Is that...feminine that I just planned out my dream wedding?

Anyway, I closed the weekend with a trip to Costco and the gluttony that inherently goes with it.

The Rocktober 7th Modesty Contest

2010-10-08T08:01:00.007+09:00

Let's see...what's important about October 7th? Edgar Allan Poe died on this day. Thom Yorke was born on this day. I think Etch-A-Sketch was introduced on this day. Coincidence? Probably. This isn't nearly as noteworthy as scratching square boobs into some aluminum powder, but it's my birthday on this day, too. Let's have a recap of my day.

I'm not sure whether it is ethical to accept gifts from students, but I have two arguments for it. 1. They are not spending exorbitant amounts of money (a pen, a little notepad, candy, another pen, a card, etc.). I couldn't accept something that cost more than $5 morally speaking. 2. I, in no way, affect their final grade in the class. Grading is up to the Korean teacher, so they can't bribe me. Anyway, some kids gave me gifts. They always wrote cute little notes accompanying them, like:

"Steven teacher. Happy Birthday!
My name is [student] from 4-3 class.
I hope you have best. You are so handsome.
You love [Korean co-teacher].
I think you and [Korean co-teacher] married.
Have beautiful life!"

How did she know I love married women 10 years older than me? There must be something in my eyes that says, "I love cougars."

Anyway, I had a great dinner at an Indian place, had some pleasant surprises, and had a good time with friends. I kept a pretty low profile this year, latching myself on to two other peoples' party and having it in Seoul. My impromptu "party" in Daegu consisted of four people, including myself. I didn't want to interrupt my friends' weekly movie night. So modest, aren't I? Or does my modesty get canceled out (modestly canceled out) because I mentioned my modesty? We need to consult some monk or something. Where's the nearest temple on the top of a mountain?

This post is rather short (modestly sized, I'd say), especially after waiting for so long for me to update. Fear not, for tomorrow I have a post scheduled and it will be much more entertaining. Prepare FOR!!!!! ... ... ... my first Korean wedding.